- 3 weeks ago
I am 29 and have lived with three boyfriends so far. Each experience has left me with baggage that makes me feel uncomfortable about moving in with my current boyfriend (32) without first being engaged.
The first was my college boyfriend, and when the relationship began (for the first year), our dorm rooms were across the hall from each other. The next two years were spent living in a house with roommates, and the next 10 months after that were spent living on our own in a one bedroom. I ended up moving out two months before the lease ended because I was so unhappy and no longer felt the relationship had long-term potential.
The second boyfriend left his city and moved to mine about six months into our relationship. When he moved to my city, he essentially moved right into the apartment I shared with my two roommates and best friends. My roommates became increasingly irritated with his presence and after about three months, we moved to a different apartment with different roommates. (Right before we moved to the new place, he cheated on me with his ex. The relationship was a disaster.) We lived in that place for about seven months before he ultimately broke up with me.
The third boyfriend was living with roommates when we started dating, as was I. A few months into the relationship, his housing situation with his roommates basically fell apart, and he ended up getting a one bedroom only three blocks away from my house. About six months after that, after many requests on his part, I moved into his apartment with him. I had been hesitant to do so as I did not much care for the apartment itself and had concerns about moving into a place that was “his” rather than somewhere we had picked out together. About eight months after I moved in, he broke up with me.
After that third live-in relationship fell apart, I moved into an apartment on my own for the first time and told myself I would not “play house” with another man. Instead, I would only live with a man if it were the “real deal” and I had a ring on my finger.
About a month after I moved into my current apartment, I started seeing my current boyfriend. I have now been living here and dating my boyfriend for a little over two years. About a year into our relationship and right at the start of COVID, we considered getting a place together but both ultimately decided against it and to instead keep things as they are.
Over the last few months, we have been talking again about moving in together. In the past, I had alluded to wanting to make sure the relationship was “serious” before making the move, but in the last few weeks, I have been more explicit with him and told him in no uncertain terms that I want to be engaged prior to living together.
He was not happy about this. He is not ready to be engaged and has reservations about getting married at all (although he also revealed during one particularly heated conversation that he thinks about what a good wife I would be “every day”). Further, he feels somewhat uneasy about the prospect of getting engaged before living together. He thinks living together is a step we should take to “decide” if we want to be married.
So, here is our dilemma: I currently consider getting engaged to be a prerequisite for living together, and he considers living together to be a prerequisite for getting engaged.
Most recently, I have suggested holding off on engagement and apartment chat for the next month or so and have also suggested that perhaps we move in together in a few months as planned with the understanding that if he hasn’t figured it out by the end of our lease, I will walk.
Bees, what are your thoughts on this? Should I hold firm and possibly spend another year living apart or should I give living together with a boyfriend (instead of a fiancé or husband) another go?