(Closed) At my wits end: 4 years of dating and not engaged

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

I think you’re focusing too much on the engagement ring, and that’s why he’s not getting it. Stop talking about how you need a ring – it should be about committment and desire to marry… if his main obstacle is finances, would you be okay if he proposed with a cheap (less than $1000) ring? if you are not okay with that, I don’t think marriage is what you’re truly after.

  • This reply was modified 4 years ago by  miamia00.
Post # 3
Member
9371 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

don’t take this the wrong way, but are you sure he wants to marry you? 

your timeline is just as important as his timeline.  you should be able to have an open, honest, calm discussion about where your futures are headed. 

Post # 4
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Have an open discussion with him. I’ve been seeing a lot of bees on here that are saying they’re going to walk if the proposal doesn’t happen so I asked my SO why it took him almost 8 years to propose to me and he said it was because he didn’t have enough money saved up for what he thought was socially acceptible for a ring.  If your SO is having financial issues it very well could be what is happening.

Post # 5
Member
2897 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

View original reply
canadianbee2016: I don’t think you’re going to like what I have to say.

You met in June 2012 and started dating right after that.  How long had he been separated from his wife?  It sounds like this guy jumped from one relationship to another and had no time to be single.  On top of that, he had a drawn out divorce and custody battle. I think you were way off base to expect an engagement ring and proposal as soon as the ink dried on his divorce papers.

You say in April 2014 you “dropped hints” and you “thought” but did you two actually have a REAL conversation?  You set yourself up for failure when you started looking at rings and dresses without actually knowing where he stood.

So now that it’s 2 yeaars later and he’s buying property with his brother, it’s clear to me than an engagement ring and a proposal is not priority for him.  If money was an issue he could have bought you a temorary ring.

I really hate Pinterest because it gives people so many unrealistic expectations with so many things.  You want a “magic” proposal and now you’re mad he’s taking the magic away., but I feel you had a lot of unreal expectations by getting involved with a man that was still married.  And expecting him to do something “spectacular to make it up” really sounds kind of childish.

You have to decide whether you want him or the magic proposal because his actions have not given me any faith that you’re going to get your magic proposal from him.

Post # 6
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
canadianbee2016:  

“me picking on him, having no patience, less and less wanting to have sex with him…”

“I am so frustrated, some days I can’t stand him.”

“He has stolen all the magic in it, my little girl’s dream. He really would have to do something spectacular to make it up.”

Eww and yikes. Sorry bee but it sounds like this relationship needs a mercy kill, not a forever commitment. Neither of you can sit down and talk about the role marriage will play in your future like adults so I don’t know why you’re choosing to spend another nine months being shitty to each other. Rip it off like a bandaid–break up, cut ties and move on.

Post # 7
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

This man is fresh off of the heels of a divorce and it didn’t sound too amicable.  Are you even sure he is ready to jump into another marriage so soon?  And you are so focus on this perfect proposal, I see no mention of the desire to spend the rest of your life with him.

 

Post # 8
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

He hasn’t even been divorced for two years (separated does not mean divorced!) and is still dealing with custody issues with his ex while working through job loss and new job?

you’re 31, with him for four years, own a home together and want to get this show on the road. Totally makes sense.

Have you considered that he’s got a lot on his plate with drama at home AND work? He might not be in a place to add yet another thing to his plate at this time, which is totally understandable 

Your comparisons to other friends’ relationships are natural, but not productive. 

Have you considered that the other couples might have less drama? Or a greater capacity to deal with stress? And your partner isn’t either of those guys and you arent with them?

I suggest you take a step back and ask yourself if (1) there’s too much resentment that the love is dead; (2) how long you’re willing to wait while he works through immediate stressor; (3) if there are ways for you to independently find happiness within the boundaries of your relationshi; (4) if you can acknowledge the role you play in your current situation and own your part of your relationship and what has been effective and what hasn’t in the short, medium and long term. 

Post # 9
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

You need to have an adult discussion with him about what you want out of this relationship and what he wants.  YOU may be ready to get married, but he may not be.  If your timelines aren’t in line then you either need to wait, compromise or leave.

But like a PP said, my H waited 8 years to propose.  Part of it was saving up money for a ring, but the other part was that he waited because he wasn’t ready.  And being with him was more important to me then pushing for a proposal or a ring.  I knew it was going to happen eventually (and I would have been perfectly fine if it never happened too), so I waited until he was ready.  Nothing worse then forcing your partners hand when they aren’t ready.  That never ends well.

Also, your talks about the perfect proposal and him taking away your little girl dreams and ruining the magic and how he needs to do somehting amazing now to make up for it, are all, well, a bit crazy.  You are an adult.  Time to act like it and realize that fairy tales are not real.

Post # 10
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

my fiance waited 2+ years to propose to me so he could save up $$ to buy his own house so when we get married, we would be financially stable. I know it’s a bit different but marriage is a big commitment and if he thinks you guys aren’t financially stable maybe you aren’t ready then. You really need to sit down and talk to him. Your timeline and his timeline might be different and your definition of financial stability and his is probably different as well.

Post # 11
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Like PPs said talk to him. My Fiance knew he had two years to figure it out, I was very upfront. We started planning our wedding right before two years hit. My timeline became his basically. we talked and worked together to get what we both wanted a forever, happy relationship. Just communicate with him no hints just be frank and see what he wants and if it matches you be prepared to walk or live unmarried longer.

Post # 12
Member
5434 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

This is a cautionary tale of why you don’t get involved with a freshly-separated, not even divorced yet man. 

Why in the world would he want to get married again right after getting divorced and going through a horrible custody battle???! No way. 

Post # 13
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

It doesn’t sound like you have had a real (and calm) sitdown discussion with him about where you two see your relationship going over the next couple of years. You are letting things eat at you until you explode all over him in very naggy and passive aggressive ways. You need to eliminate the ring from the equation and ask him when he foresees you two getting married. Would you be okay with skipping the engagement ring for the sake of finances and just eloping? I feel like that would be a great compromise if all you really want is the commitment and don’t care about the jewelry aspect of it. If the ring is important to you, though, you need to discuss that with him calmly and rationally without saying things like “It sure would have been nice to go home with a ring to show to my family”.

Post # 14
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

So, I saw over and over you want a ring and you wanted to do the whole wedding thing because its your dream and you want the experience. I must have missed the part where you are in love with this man and can’t imagine spending your life without him.

Sorry bee but I think you’re more obessed with a wedding and ring than you are with this man. I can totally see why he wants to buy an investment property instead of an E-Ring if he’s worried about money. An investment property would hopefully bring extra income into the house and make you both more financially stable. Weddings cost money, lots of it. It’s not just the price of the ring and at his age I think he sees that in order to give you the wedding experience you want its going to take a bit of cash which it sounds like he’s worried you guys don’t have.

 Take a step back, stop obsessing over a ring and the wedding experience. Do you love your dream of a wedding more than you love this man? That’s what you need to figure out.

Post # 15
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

That was way, way too fast to first move in together and then to buy a home together, especially with a child involved. It’s lead to this situation, where you’re very invested, possibly before either of you were ready or really should be. I agree with everyone else that you need to have a real discussion, not just tears and hints. Do you guys really want to be married? With all he’s got going on right now, I think a courthouse wedding or other simple ceremony is all that you guys could expect for the moment. Would this still be acceptable to you? Even in that situation, it doesn’t really sound like you guys would be in a position to have children anytime soon. If your number one priority is being with this guy, elope. If your number one priority is getting married and having children and a family, I think you need to break it off. 

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