- 5 years ago
I am new here and this is my first post. I have decide to reach out becasue I am in a situation where I fee like I am at my wits end. My BF and I have been dating for almost 4 years now (it will be 4 years in July) and still no sign of a ring. From the beginning I asked questions such as “do you want to have other kids?”, “after being divorced, do you still want to get married or are you opposed to It”? It was extremely important to me to get married, and I had made it clear from the beginning. He was not opposed to it.
I am 31 and my boyfriend is 35. Here is the timeline of my story.
June 2012: We meet online in
July 2012: We started officially dating. I have had 2 long relationships before him and he had been separated from his wife for 3 years and was waiting for the divorce to be finalized (they have a daughter and were not agreeing on the custody, which is what took so long). We had a long distance relationship (we lived 5 hours away).
October 2012: We move in together in an appartment we are renting.I got along very well with his daughter, supported him through custody battles…
May 2013: we buy a house together. I knew he was the one, and by him buying a house with me I think it meant the same thing for him.
April 2014: he got officially divorced on paper. I thought “yes, we can finally carry on with our lives and get married”! I even dropped a few hints that seemed to amuse him. I start to create a pineterest wedding board, and I look at rings to try and figure what I like. I look at dresses, and start dreaming about the big day. Months go by and nothing… We both know we need a year long engagement because my family is coming from Europe and it is an expensive trip. So basically if he hasn’t proposed by September, it means that the wedding isn’t postponed to the following summer, but 2 years!! So by the fall of 2014, when I still had no ring I started to get anxious. Like many girls here this is where I started to go on pineterest and search rings and dresses all day long!
November 2014: My mom comes from Europe to visit for a few weeks. I know that when my BF proposes, I won’t likely get a chance to have my mom with me to go pick a dress so we go together dress shopping, I get to try on some beautiful dresses. Also in November, one of my best friends (who started dating her BF at the same time) gets engaged. We always thought I would be the first to be engaged becasue they have been in a long distance relationship the whole time whereas we had moved in together and bought a house. I am happy and sad, he is with me when I learn the news and is wondering why I am upset and crying. So I tell him why. No answer.
December 2014: My bestie gets married (it was a really fast engagement). I am unable to go to her wedding for passport reasons. At new years eve, my BF and I go hike on top of a mountain and make a fire, it looks like the perfect time and spot to propose and I am really thinking he will, but he doesn’t. I am super disapoitned and a few days later we have a conversation about. I got really animated, and cried and told him “You got divorced in April, what are you waiting for?” “I supported you through your hardship but you are still unsure if you want to get married to me”… He jsut tells me to be patient, that he’s got this.
March 2015: he loses his job. Lay offs in the oil patch. A part of me thinks “oh well, it doesn’t look like it is going to happen now is it?”
May 2015: one of his coworkers who got laid off at the same time announces us his engagement. He said he had bought the ring before losing his job and that he still decided to go ahead. Bitter taste to me. When I bring up “how come they got engaged but not us?” he says that some people don’t think things through and go into debt. He said it is not the right time, but he confesses that in Jan 2015 he was looking at rings, for whatever that means.
June 2015: I go home to Europe for 2 weeks. My grandma, who I am very close to, is 94 and has always wanted to see me getting married. I am upset that becausee he is taking too long, she won’t be able to. I tell him “It sure would have been nice to go home with a ring to show to my family”.
July 2015: he gets a new job. No as high paying as the previous one but still pretty good.
December 2015: My birthday and xmas go by and nothing. One day I almost lose it, and vent to my best friend. I am basically just about to throw an ultimatum. She texts with him every once in a while, she textes him on a humourous tone saying “what the heck?” and he tells her that he is seeing a custom ring person but that he is not sure of what to pick and is stressed out by finances.
January 2015: a new custody battle starts, he is going to have to get a lawyer and go to court. Which means spending lots of $$. So again, a part of me is thinking that my ring is still just a dream.
February 2015; he is talking about buying a house with his brother as a property investment. I am about to lose it. Are you kidding me? This is your priority??? You are too concerned with your finanaces to buy a ring but you will put a down payment on a house???
Here I am, March 2015. I am bitter, frustrated. He doesn’t understand why I became so unhappy and cranky. I want to tell him that it is his fault, that him not proposing to me has created a snowball effect, and that something small only got bigger and bigger over the last 2 years. I know he will jsut say “oh becasue having a ring will make it better?” He does not realize how big this issue has become in my life, and he doesnt undertand that it is the root of many problems: me picking on him, having no patience, less and less wanting to have sex with him… He just think I have changed, but doesn’t even see that this has all strated after these years of waiting…
I have talked to him a few times, but it feels like he does not understand me and why this is such a big deal. I am ready to walk away by the end of the year if he hasn’t proposed. I am so frustrated, some days I can’t stand him. I have tried saying nothing at all for a few months, threatening,… Nothing works.
I have always dreamed of a magic porposal, i am so mad at him for taking all the magic away. Now getting engaged is not even something that makes me dream, it just makes me angry. He has stolen all the magic in it, my little girl’s dream. He really would have to do something spectacular to make it up.
Thanks in advance for your advice.