Post # 1
DH and I were together on and off for over three years but do to being long distance, and him being deployed in the military all the time it was nearly impossible to keep a stable relationship going. In April he moved up here with me, got a good job, started taking classes to finish his degree, and I was sure to introduce to a bunch of guy around town that had similar interests and not he has lots of friends. I am telling you this becuase I am trying to weed out what could possibly be wrong.
Anyways, I feel like since he moved up here he went from kind, caring, patient, always out on adventures, to just plain mean and complaining about everything all the time, including me. Work recently sent me to SanFran for a week and it was the hardest thing I could ever do to get back on that plane and come back to this misery. We are constantly fighting. Even when I am just submissive and say in a very calm voice “you are right, im sorry, how can I help make this better” he will still be aggressive and yelling. We own a small coffee shop and there are certain customers who he is TOTALLY freaked out about and has forbid me to talk to, he has even threatened to throw them out of the shop for no apparent reason. I tried to tell him that I was not going to kick out a paying customer just becuase they talk to me and he got pissed and said I didn’t care about his feelings. Now it is saturday market and we are supposed to be getting ready to head down to sell espresso and cookies etc only I can’t lift our machine by my self, its 2 miles away, and he took our only vehicle all day, without warning to go hiking.
I am in a constant state of working, working on the house, working at the shop, doing homework, I think I am going to have to drop a class pretty soon becuase I haven’t gotten enough time to work on it and he keeps telling me I am worthless and never help him out with his projects etc. He has said some incredibly mean things to me that he never would have said before, he has called me a b**ch, along with some other select names, he is constantly saying “If you don’t want to respect me then ill just go ________ by my self” (usually climb in yosemitie or something long term) The part that keeps pushing me over the edge is that he is working nights and will come in (while I am allready asleep) and be yelling at me, asking me questions about what I did with some boy 5 years ago (he has been reading my old emails and texts just to dig up 3 year old dirt to yell about. I can’t handle it any more.
To add to this problem, we are obviously allready married but the ceremony for our family is in august and everyone allready has tickets and I really really don’t want to do it. I don’t want to be in a relationship like this. I would rather be single for life than to feel constantly afraid and abused like this. I know you lovely ladies have probably not even made it all the way to the end of this, but thank you if you have. I am seriously considering just dissapearing for a while.
Post # 3
I did read the whole thing and i am so sad for you. No man should ever speak to you like that. Especially your husband. I hope you have a close girlfriend or some family you can talk to about this.
I know if my sister told me this, i wouldn’t give two-sh*ts about the cost of my plane ticket. I would come up there, help you pack, support and plan the next phase of your life.
Post # 4
I can’t tell you what to do, but if it were me, I’d definitely end it. It’s just not worth it. He has shown you his true colors and relationships shouldn’t be that way. No woman should ever be abused that way. If you’re thinking about leaving, maybe it’s for the best. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 5
My heart breaks for you…
You deserve better than this.
Please, please, let your family know what is going on.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2012 - Country Club
Wow, I am sorry you have to deal with this! No one deserves to be treated like that by their SO. The only thing I can think of is couples counseling.
Post # 8
I also read the whole thing and I agree with @Mollytov:
.. If you were my sister I’d also not care about the cost of the ticket I would be there in a heart beat.
I think if you don’t want to be in the relationship any more and you seem scared which is not a good way to live, I would leave. I mean no one can tell you how to feel or what to do but you seem like you have your mind made up already. Be strong and do what you feel is right and what is going to protect you.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Post # 9
No woman should be told that she is worthless, be yelled at in the middle of the nght, be told who she may or may not talk with, be grilled about things that happened years ago.
I am afraid your SO’s true character is evident now that you are living together. I am also fearful that his behavior will escalate.
Cut your losses. Either tell him to move out or move out yourself. Cancel the ceremony and start the rest of your life without this man.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry. I would leave. I would hope your family would understand. Your DH is emotionally abusive and you do not have to live like this.
Post # 11
ugh, thank you ladies, I keep hoping its just a phase and he will go back to actually caring and being sweet, or at least civil. I have allready started looking for jobs near family on the east coast, and my mother has allready offered to come up and run the shop until I can sell it or something. I just don’t want to end it becuase it was so good for so long you know?
I tried to suggest counseling like a bee suggested a while ago and it started a mini war. I have friends that are counselors and I contacted them about the best ways to bring it up etc. it obviously didn’t work. I hate this!
Post # 12
you ladies are so sweet, I don’t have many friends I feel like I can talk to here becuase it is juch a small town, but thank you so much for all your support. Whatever happens I know it will all be fine in the end, its just a little bit of He*l to get through at the moment. Im just still in such disbelief that it is like this.
Post # 13
If you ever need to vent just send me a pm.
Post # 14
So sorry for you, that was heartbreaking to read. I echo all PPs when I say that you don’t deserve to be treated like that. No matter the costs/plans/etc, don’t stay in a bad situation just beause it may be “easier” than leaving or because people have plans to come down. You owe it to yourself to not be yelled at, harassed, and intimidated by your own husband. I’m glad your mom is on-board to help you.
Take the time to think it through, and please, look out for yourself. If you do think that you’ll leave, make a plan so that you have a place to go, somone to cover your shop and such, and money set aside for a rough patch. It’s hard work and scary, but it seems like the marriage is, too, and it shouldn’t be that way :-/
Post # 15
I am so sorry to read this… Since your DH has been deployed has he maybe been checked and treated for PTSD? It’s no excuse for his behaviour but it could explain the extreme change in behaviour. My SO was involved in an attempted hijacking and he became a total asshole. Counselling fixed that.
Post # 16
I am in no way dismissing what he is doing to you but could the change in location be affecting him? I had a friend who had SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and moved to AZ from the northwest and was a much happier person. Is there any pattern to his moods or any idea what changed him?