(Closed) At my wits end… thinking about running (long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

He sounds very unstable, and something may be not right with him. Please don’t feel bad  about leaving, and get yourself to help and safety!

Once your in a safe, non-judgmental place, you can clear your mind, collect your thoughts and go from there! 

I’m so sorry you are going through this, my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time!

Post # 18
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is verbal and emotional abuse. Your husband is also an incredibly insecure and jealous man, but whatever the reasons are for his insecurity, it does not justify his abuse, not by a long shot! Please do not stay with this man if he continues to treat you this way. I know that you may feel like you are trapped because you’re already legally married to him, but you ARE still a free woman in the sense that you still have options and choices that you can make and you have the right to apply for a divorce. You do NOT have to stay with an abusive husband, and if he is treating you this way, then he has already broken his marriage vows to love, honor, and cherish you.

As for your upcoming ceremony, I hope you tell your family what’s going on–I’m sure no one would blame you for not wanting to get any more attached than you already are to a man who is ABUSING you! I hope you will let them help you. I wish all the best for you. 

Post # 19
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This sounds like my father. First he was verbally abusive then physically. He always said my mother was to blame, but really she rarely did anything to aggreviate him. Just asking a simple question like what would you like for dinner would set him off. My mother finally divorced him after 24 years of marriage, it went on way too long. He still has a hold on her becasue he took my little brother.

Remember, what he blames you for, tries to convince you it’s your fault for how he behaves, is not true. After awhile my mother really did think it was her fault.  My best advice would be to end it sooner rather than later, especially if there are children involved. Growing up in this situation was torturous. Everyday was a nightmare. No one deserves to be abused. There is happiness out there and a person that will make you feel loved and safe. 

I hope everything works out for you!

Post # 20
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m so sorry about this.  This sounds terrible.  At the very least, I think you two need to give each other some space because I think somewhere along the way, he forgot how to appreciate and respect you.

Please dont be worried about everyone’s plane flight.  If you don’t want to do the vows, dont do it.  If the flights are nonrefundable, you can turn it into a fmaily reunion instead.  Families don’t get together anymore unless there is a reason, and it would be nice to see everyone.  

Post # 22
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m glad someone else also brought up seasonal affective disorder.  I moved from California to the Pacific NW to be with my Fiance and it’s honestly been extremely difficult for me.  It’s beautiful here, and people keep telling me that the last 2 “summers” have not been as nice as usual, but I swear if I hear that one more time I’m going to flip out on someone.  I’ve been practically climbing up the walls looking for ways we can move away from this place because the constant cloud cover and frequent rain is really affecting me.  We’re trying to wait until after the wedding to move, but thankfully my Fiance is extremely understanding and we’ve started applying for jobs in other states even though we’re still a few months before the wedding.  He realizes how hard it’s been on me, and I can’t thank him enough for being willing to move in order help me feel normal again.

The point of my story is… your Fiance could feel the same way.  It’s one of many possibilities going on, but maybe something worth exploring.

Post # 23
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Not acceptable.  As horrible as it sounds, he needs to shape up or ship out.  If he’s unhappy in a new place, then that’s something he needs to deal with.  He should not be taking it out on you.  And if this is a glimpse of the future (i.e. when he’s not liking his surroundings, he takes it out on you), then maybe it’s time to move on.

Post # 24
367 posts
Helper bee

This sounds like a nightmare, and I would want out, too.

If his behavior is totally out of character, then therapy might be worth a shot, whether it’s as a couple, or individually for him. I only say this because OPs have mentioned SAD or PTSD as possibly being a factor, and so you might want to work that out and see if you can get your marriage back on track. 

Post # 25
7309 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I concur with the suggestion that he may be dealing with one or more mental disorders.

His behavior is absolutely wrong and you need to first save yourself from his emotional/mental abuse. If left unchecked, he could get worse in his treatment of you. Please do what it takes to assure that you do not become the lead story on the local news. Think of it like an airplane emergency. You are instructed to put on your air mask first so that you can then help others get their air masks on. You are no help to him or others if you are incapacitated. It’s not giving up; it’s being smart. Save yourself so that you can try to help him save himself.

Once you are out of there, you can try to help him see that his behaviors are hurtful and destructive, and offer to be part of his team to help him get better. But he needs professionasl help to properly diagnose and treat his issues. He cannot get better on his own.

Post # 26
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think you need to get out. It is not okay that he calls you worthless, is so jealous and controlling etc. I know it’s not easy to up and leave but it’s crystal clear that you are unhappy. You deserve better. Xx

Post # 27
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I was wondering if it is PTSD, Depression or something like that.  There must be some help you can get through his post.  Maybe you could tell him that you are worried about him, and he should checked out by the dr.  or maybe talk to the chaplain?  Make sure you are safe.  I am so sorry to hear about this.  best wishes.

Post # 28
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I am so heartbroken for you that you’re having to endure this right now.  I’ll never understand how people can be one thing one moment and then transform into a completely different person. 

I agree with all the PP”s that he’s being emotionally and verbally abusive to you and that IS NOT OK.  The first thing that popped in my head was PTSD.  It’s so much more common that people are willing to admit.  And if he was deployed somewhere scary and had to do some hard core stuff then he could be holding all that in and trying to adjust to living a “normal” life is causing him to crack.  

Now, this doesn’t excuse what he’s doing at all, but i think you should talk to him about how he treats you and ask him to go to counselling.  You might want to have a friend of family member there if you’re scared of talking to him about this alone.  If there’s something worth saving, he’ll go, if he refuses… then you need to do what’s right for you.  You deserve more out of life than to feel worthless.

Post # 29
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
@ms_protea:  PTSD was my first thought too. OP, I really think it sound slike he needs counselling….I think postponing the wedding might be a good idea at this point.

Post # 30
802 posts
Busy bee

When you said he was deployed in the military, I immediately thought “uh oh”. I’m going to tell you right now, give up any thoughts about getting help for him. When he says he’s not going to counseling, he means it. 

My brother was deployed in the military. After he came back, he was a different person. Mean, moody, violent, manipulative, controlling …etc … I know that he is the way he is because of what he went through while deployed overseas. But he refuses to see someone about it. I don’t want to generalize, but I think the military has them brainwashed to believe that therapy is a weakness. It’s his way of thinking, and living now, and I can’t change it short of having him submitted to a psychiatric ward. 

There is no way for you to convince him to accept therapy and get better. The best thing to do is remove him from your life. And don’t let him charm, or intimidate you into coming back to him. And don’t expect that you walking out will make him change, because he’ll probably just find someone else to manipulate and intimidate. Or if you did go back to him, he would use it against you like “remember that time you walked out on me and made me go to therapy so I would change for you?” 
Don’t stay with him because you feel bad that everyone has already bought tickets to come to your ceremony. This is your life you’re talking about. If they knew about this, they would want to return the tickets so you wouldn’t feel obligated to stay in a bad situation. 

Post # 31
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I also want to add that I felt like this once and I felt like I had to stay. I wish I had listened to myself and gone sooner. It is up to you whether you stay or leave but the one thing I urge you is not to simply ignore these feelings and convince yourself it will get better or that you have to put up with it.

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