Post # 32
Thank you everyone. Thank you so much for all your kind words it really does mean a lot that so many people care. I thought some of you might like an update on the situation.
On Saturday night I purchased a plane ticket to stay with family out of state for a few weeks while (hopefully) things cooled down. The only people who knew about it were my best friend who was going to drive me to the airport, and my mother so she would not worry. My mother ended up leaving him a nasty message on his phone before I could get out. It tipped him off and he came home early and stopped me. It was a rough couple of days but I think things might be on an upward slope right now.
A few of the right people in town (pastor that lives next door, womens shelter, and law enforcement) are now aware of the situation and have told me they would be checking in as regularly as they can. I think he does realize that his actions are not appropriate as he said he is willing to give it two weeks and if things are not better by then he will try anger management, which is a step in the right dirrection, I hope.
Post # 33
I hadn’t commented before but had read your post and am glad you gave us an update. I hope this is a wake-up call for your DH and glad to hear he’s willing to look into anger management. Best of luck to you and keep us updated!
Post # 34
Good to hear things are going better.
Post # 35
He sounds really scary – he prevented you from flying to see family? That is chilling. How have the last two weeks been? Has he made a decision on anger management?
Post # 36
the last two weeks have been much better, still some minor snafus but nothing physical and he is starting to notice what he is doing now. Initially the police stopping over made it WAY worse, but in the long run better becuase they had to report it to our friend who is a family social worker. She came over as a neutral party for a while and worked though some things on both ends. It still isn’t easy, but hearing what I was saying from someone else too made it a little more real I think.
Post # 37
Keep focusing on your own well being. Maintain a private savings account or private vault and keep putting money into it — even if it’s small amounts at a time. Have a recreation or hobby for you to do from time to time and keep up your friendships.
Right now he’s modifying his behavior, but in my experience, that does not constitute a change. That is a temporary adjustment. It will take a spiritual epiphany for a boy to evolve into manhood and you have no control of when and how that will be — you are not his higher power nor his counselor.
So, keep taking care of you. Time will reveal where his psyche is. But don’t put your life on hold and wait for him to figure it out. I dated a man for a year and a half who I kept hoping would figure out how to show up well in a relationship with me. Then he finally told me he wanted out — after asking me continuously for a year and a half for more chances!!!
Shortly thereafter I started daing a new guy — a friend of 3 years who asked me out. At one point I asked him what his definition of “patience” was. He said it means accepting someone for where they are in life and making a decision to be okay with it, while making sure that this decision does not come at the expense of your own well being. I realized at that moment that I thought patience meant “waiting with loving intentions.” Whoah!!! I changed my definition of the word on the spot. I am now engaged to him — my friend, my love, my partner. He reminds me every day that we’re in this together, not through his words, but through his actions.
If you don’t feel like you’re in it together, then you’re in the position of being his mother, which is not a satisfying relationship, nor is that an appropriate relationship for either of you.
Take care of you. If he doesn’t have his epiphany, move on and don’t meander in pity or invest in regret. It’ll be painful, but just remind yourself that you have a lot more living to do.
Post # 38
Anger management is the wrong treatment for abusers, they just BS their way thru it.
And no competent therapist would see you together, it’s too dangerous. I’m sorry he was able to keep you from your family.
Post # 39
@globalmargaret: I hope you figure out what’s best for you. Its sounds like you are unhappy, he either needs to change or you need to think of leaving.