(Closed) At my wits' end with my parents

posted 1 week ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

You are her daughter, not her therapist or her best friend. It is not your job to fix this for her. She is an adult who is responsible for regulating her own emotional responses. By unburdening all of this on you she is unfairly parentifying you.

You need to set boundaries with her. You need to say, “I will not discuss this any more with you,” and then change the topic. If she persists, you need to hang up or walk away. Setting boundaries is hard but necessary if you want to have a healthy relationship with your mother. You can’t have a healthy relationship with her if you continue to accept the responsibility of her emotional well-being. 

ETA: Sometimes one parent is so awful that they make the other parent look good by comparison. That doesn’t mean the other parent is good; it just means that they’re less bad.

Post # 3
Member
911 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

To quote my own therapist, “Why is this your responsibility?”

Post # 4
Member
583 posts
Busy bee

^ THAT

Post # 7
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

strawberrysakura :  You’re still internalizing that it’s your job to fix her. You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself.

Post # 8
Member
859 posts
Busy bee

strawberrysakura :  I know the general consensus is for her to see someone alone, but what if you suggest attending family counseling with her? Would she be up to it if you approach it as a team? I couldn’t ignore my mom’s pain either, and I don’t think I could just give up on her because she’s being stubborn or is ashamed to seek help. I’m sorry you have to bear this burden. 

Post # 9
Member
583 posts
Busy bee

“I just don’t know how to get through to her that she needs help.”

 

You don’t. You can’t. Professional help is available. She will avail herself of it when she is ready – or maybe never. Model emotionally healthy behavior yourself and create boundaries.

While well-intentioned, your desire to fix/help is a form of control. I’d be sure to explore that with your own therapist. 

Post # 10
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I mean… I think at this point you’ve really exhausted all of your options for getting her to see that she needs help. I think the answer to your question is that there is NO way for you to help her, even if it WERE your responsibility.

So you have to move onto the next question: what are you going to do about this to help YOU? You’ll need to limit time spent with her, tell her to stop talking about your father, and/or stop telling her anything about time spent with your father to minimize the damage. Honestly, what are the other options?? There just aren’t any. Sorry, Bee. 🙁

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