(Closed) At this moment I think its over

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

You weren’t asking for much, at least you were willing to get into the christmas spirit! FH was always raised to see christmas as ‘just another day’, it took a while for him to get into the christmas spirit, I think he should be happy and supportive when you want to do christmas activities together if it is a special holiday to him.

That said, maybe taking down the tree and saying that was a bit dramatic.

I couldn’t imagine breaking up over a christmas tradition though, he’s probably just mad and needs some time to cool off.

Post # 4
938 posts
Busy bee

I’m hurt and furious for you. You asked for one thing, and he chose to spend time with his friends over you? I’d be upset too. I just have to wonder, is this a regular pattern with him?

Post # 5
320 posts
Helper bee

@jellyfishies:  (Hugs) Even if taking down the tree was a little dramatic, I can imagine that you must have reached the end point of frustration by that time. I’m so sorry you had such a bad day. Does he regularly ignore your needs/wishes? 

Post # 6
2200 posts
Buzzing bee

Good riddance to him. He shouldn’t be treating you like that. Be grateful that he left, you deserve so much better.

Post # 7
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@jellyfishies:  Yeah, you were a bit dramatic to tear down your tree.  Going forward, don’t do spiteful things in an argument.  It intensifies an already emotional state, and sends you both into a tizzy.  It’s just silly.  You have to learn how to fight fair.  (He does too, you NEVER threaten to end the relationship over something so lame… he’s being equally dramatic).

He let you down, and that was shitty.  When the dust settles you need to have a discussion about the series of events that took place.  Don’t fight, don’t insult or hurt each other.  Just have a calm, matter of fact conversation.  Express your feelings sans the histrionics… he neglected to consider your needs.  He put his desires above yours.  He let you down.  You overreacted, take responsibility for that.  Finally, set the expectation for the future.  “Mr. Jellyfishes – I’m sorry I overreacted the other night by tearing down the Christmas tree.  I understand why that upset you, so please accept my apology.  That said, I still need to express how I felt that night.  You really let me down.  I was looking forward to this event, not because of the event itself, but because it’s important for me to start new holiday traditions with you.  When you were late, I felt like you completely disregarded my feelings.  Can you understand why I was hurt?”

Let the conversation flow from there.  But really, cooler heads ALWAYS prevail.  I understand it’s hard when someone you love so much hurts you.  But you have to handle this like as rationally as possible.

Best of luck to you, I hope he sees the error of his ways and makes a commitment to better himself going forward.

Post # 8
1552 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@JemmaWRX:  This.  While definitely disrespectful to ignore your one wish regarding the season, the follow-up actions seem a bit rash on both of your parts, if there are no other mitigating factors.  

Cool off and talk about it, see where it takes you.  If this one incident is hurtful enough to both of you that you can’t imagine being together anymore, then at least you’ve discussed it.

Post # 9
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@jellyfishies:  I’m really sorry for your pain, but my husband and I are in a similar situation (albeit reversed).  While I don’t have the greatest relationship with either of my parents (I was actually closer to my grandparents and my dog than I ever was to either of them), we stll did the supper together every night, Mass together every Sunday, my father taught me to ride a bike, and we have a lot of Christmas traditions.  My husband, however, comes from a very different type of family.  His father was gone most of the time because he worked out on the boats and his mother had so much tragedy in her life (she lost three brothers before they were thirty years old and then she also lost her parents, her only daughter, and one of her grandchildren) that all of this “family” stuff is too depressing for her so she just doesn’t bother with any of it.  My husband never even used to have birthday parties growing up.  My husband also has three brothers but they’re not close and pretty much never see each other, even when they lived together, and I don’t know if they even wished him happy birthday last year. 

I deal with this by showing him that he has a family with ME now and that I will do everything in my power to try to give him the family life he never had before.  I do something special to celebrate his birthday every year, we sit down to meals together whenever we can, etc.  Even the first year we were together as boyfriend and girlfriend, I had him come over with my family and help us to decorate our Christmas tree and spend Christmas Eve with us.  He said it was the best Christmas he ever had. Now every year, I’ve been giving him his own decorations for the tree (because everyone in our family has their own tree decorations that specifically belongs to them).  Now that we’re married and will be having our own tree, we’ll be decorating it together and I’ll continue to give him more ornaments for the tree so he can eventually have as many as me.  We’ve also started our own tradition of going to see The Nutcracker every Christmas. 🙂  If your fiance only LOOKS for ways to give you the family life you never had, he is sure to find them!  I doubt he actually meant it when he said that he was done, but you two do need to have a long heart-to-heart talk.  Good luck.  I feel for you.

Post # 10
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You def acted rash with the tree but I could see my self doing the same thing. But i do think he is in the wrong here. Any update?

Post # 11
7111 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@JemmaWRX:  +1

I’m guessing your guy didn’t realize how important this was to you so was caught off guard when you had such a strong reaction. Chill out. Make up. Discuss and figure out how to try to prevent this in the future.

Post # 13
7038 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

It sounds like perhaps you are projecting your unmet childhood need for stability, tradition, and belonging on him…and maybe he thinks it is too much but isn’t sure how to articulate it or maybe even what is wrong. As someone with a similar family background to you, and with a husband with a very stable family, we often run into that issue. He doesn’t comprehend what it feels like to not have those things in his life, so he doesn’t understand the instinctual longing that comes along with having a rocky childhood. It might be worth seeing a therapist yourself and getting a handle on what relationship patterns are leading to these issues. If you’re having a reaction to guys that are stable (or at least appear to be that way) it could be over compensating for a different loss that they have nothing to do with, and that they won’t understand!

Post # 14
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@jellyfishies:  Well, you are both wrong. He’s wrong for not going and leaving and you are wrong for tearing up the christmas tree because he did not want to go do christmas stuff with you. Don’t assume, ask questions. Ask him why he didn’t want to go and say why it is important to you. Easier said than done, I know this for a fact. 

Think about this, are you ending your marriage over a Christmas carols? I’m surprised that some Bee’s are supporting the idea of him leaving and not working things out. This is the real world, not a fairy tale. You will have fights and it will get ugly when both of you lose it, but he’s not done and neither are you. Work things out with him and remember: Don’t assume! 

Best of Luck! hugs! 

Post # 15
4517 posts
Honey bee

I didn’t read the other responses but I’m hoping you didn’t tear down the tree because he was 15 minutes late… I understand that you wanted him to participate with you but sometimes things run late. He could have just snapped at you because of stress and he felt that you were nagging him.

Now if this happens all the time then thats a different story..Either way you need to think about if your relationship is worth being over because of him being late 15 minutes and making a mistake. 

Post # 16
7225 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@amoret11:  I’m surprised that some Bee’s are supporting the idea of him leaving and not working things out.

I see that this is “the standard” response for any time a man gets upset at a woman. It saddens me, greatly. Instead of working through things, people are encouraged to leave. And then, the very same people wonder why the divorce rate is so high.

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