Post # 1
Maybe I’m being a pain in the ass.
Maybe FI is being controlling.
My best friend from Chicago and I were talking on the phone yesterday and decided that over spring break, we would drive to Kentucky and meet and spend the night in a hotel so we can hang out and see each other (we obviously don’t get to see each other often).
Well we decided on that so tonight I told FI that i was going to visit her over spring break. anyway, I could tell right away that something was wrong because he got all quiet. Turns out he was mad because I didn’t “run it by him” and his rationale is that we are about to get married and when we are traveling to other states or other big decisions we should run it by each other first. Is that correct? I’m really independent so I get really turned off by anything that feels controll-y. But I also know I have to get over that a little bit since I’m about to share my life with another person. Am I in the wrong?
P.S. He already said he has no problem with me going and is happy I get to see my friend, he just wants me to “run it by him”
Post # 3
We definitely run things like that by eachother. Anytime it involves spending the night somewhere, we talk about it first. It’s not really a “permission slip” type of thing… it’s moreso just a respect thing since we are so involved in eachother’s lives.
Post # 4
We always run our plans by each other so I definitely would’ve “asked” about going out of state. Just something like, “Hey, is it a problem if I….?” We’ve done this since the beginning of our relationship.
Post # 5
@FutureMrsT1221: anytime I’m planning on driving anywhere over an hour away I usually pose it as a question ‘do you mind if…’ or ‘I was thinking of doing…’ when I talk to him about it (unless it’s something I have to do for work or whatever). We also discussed big purchases the other night and agreed that neither of us would make a purchase over $500 without discussing it with the other, and in reality probably wouldn’t spend more than $300 without checking first.
Post # 6
@FutureMrsT1221: I dont need to run it by my FI, but i know he always feels better when he’s informed. I think my FI would want to talk about the trip before making the plans definite. My FI is not controlling- he has a lot of anxiety and doesnt like anything sprung on him. And a trip without my FI would burden him greatly… He hates sleeping alone. I would run it by him. I’d be annoyed if my FI made plans to be out of town without consulting me first- only because I like to feel important 🙂 and involved in FIs life.
A lot of insecure or anxious people come off as controlling.
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016
We run pretty much everything by each other just to keep each other on the same page. Like PPs have said, it’s a respect thing and I don’t see it as throwing away my independence. We aren’t actually asking for each other’s permission, but we’re showing each other that we care about each other’s thoughts on something. For example, we check with each other about purchases over $100 (we don’t have a large income and he’s the only one working right now so we really need to be on the same page financially). I wouldn’t run something like a local lunch date with friends by him, but I would discuss plans that require quite a bit of driving with him first (like around an hour or more). Usually I bring stuff up by saying something like “Hey, I was thinking _____. What do you think about that?” and then if he doesn’t agree or if he has a suggestion/alternative then we discuss it and compromise.
Post # 8
@FutureMrsT1221: I for sure would run something like that by my FI and would expect the same of him.
Post # 9
I would definitely run something like that by my SO first, but it would be more like, “hey so and so and I want to do this over spring break, is that okay?” with his response being, “yeah that’s fine.” I would never expect him to say no to me unless there was some really good reason. I think it’s just a good gesture to make the other person feel like they are part of the decision. My SO even runs going out with his friends by me just incase I have something planned.
Post # 10
Well, I usually check major plans with DH just in case he has a good reason for me not to do whatever it is I want to do (eg “you can’t attend that conference… it’s my Mum’s birthday!”).
It’s not really asking permission though.
I also have a reeeeaaallly bad track record of doing things without his consent, including getting a tattoo, and bringing home surprise pets…
Post # 11
That’s absolutely something we would run by each other. Last year he told me that he might be planning a trip out of the country with some friends for spring break, and although it didn’t happen he sounded pretty sure at the time and I was like…what the hell you should at least talk to me about this before you start to plan anything!
I can’t really explain why it matters because of course I wouldn’t try to stop him from doing anything without a good reason. But in cases like that, I think it’s more that your partner by default expects to spend that time with you and then making other plans without consulting them feels like you’re disregarding their feelings. It still sounds kind of stupid, but that’s the closest I can get, and it seems like most couples feel the same way.
Post # 12
That is for sure something that’d be discussed with DH before I committed to it. He wouldn’t care but out of respect I’d say hey love, I want to go see my friend so what do you think of this time?
He is very easy going and unless it puts me in danger in some way or will make him worry I don’t really need to run anything by him. Traveling and especially staying over night someplace other than next to him should be discussed. This isn’t a thing that changed after getting married, even before that it’d have been discussed…
Post # 13
I think it’s just courteous to run that by someone. I would never tell FI “no”, but always appreciate him letting me know what’s going on and considering my feelings. Vice versa is true as well.
Post # 14
@FutureMrsT1221: I understand both you and your FI point.
I am also very independent, but I still run decisions by my husband.
Post # 15
Almost always if it’s something that would affect him. Me going away somewhere would affect him too.
Post # 16
We don’t run stuff past each other seeking “permission” so much as we do out of consideration.
It would be very unlikely for me to commit to anything in regards to scheduling, without checking in with My Guy to find out what’s on his schedule… in case I’ve forgotten something, or he has.
So in the case you mentioned I might say:
“On initial reflection it looks good to me… I’ll pencil it in and confirm with you in the next day or so”
Mr TTR & I are married, but we did the same for each other when we were single too… we just see it as being respectful of each other, AND always putting OUR Relationship BEFORE anything / anyone else.
Hope this helps,