(Closed) At what point are you required to "run something by" your SO

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@FutureMrsT1221:  Maybe I’m in the minority, and I have always been independent but I don’t ask Fiance permission or “run it by” Fiance in advance (which seems semantically different from asking for permission but on a practical level is equivalent).  I think I have the authority over my own schedule so that when I make plans with a friend, i dont have to pencil it in, or get back to them (that seems like asking your SO permission to me), if I make plans, then those plans are set. I do let him know about my plans though- which I think is considerate.  “Just so you know, I’m going to see so and so over her spring break.” “Okay, cool.” If Fiance is directly involved (will personally attend) then I ask him if he’s going before I tell anyone that he is going.  

Post # 48
8575 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I always run things by my fi, and he does me.. you just never know what plans are we making for a weekend away, or what family is coming into town, so we always communicate to each other.

I don’t find it controlling and neither does he.

In the summer it’s normal for me to leave at 6 am and not get home until midnight… – I always let him know of this too, so he knows he can come home and make his own dinner or pick something up without waiting to see if I’m bringing something home.

Post # 49
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I tell my fiancé about my plans rather than ask him. “The girls and I are thinking we’ll spend the first weekend of March in NYC. You and I don’t have anything planned for that weekend, right?” He does the same. I also put it on his Outlook calendar so he doesn’t forget. But at no point would I ever ask him if it was ok. This would not work for me in a relationship. Thankfully my fiancé feels the same way. 🙂

Post # 50
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I guess it depends on the relationship. This is how my relationship goes:

Me: Hey, babe, I just booked flights for my mom and I to go to Atlanta for a weekend in February, okay?

Him: Awesome. Have fun. 


Then again… if it’s something that relates to him, he gets mad if I don’t bring it up to him first. This year, I got excited and planned our anniversary and pretty much told him we were going to the mountains for the weekend. He politely suggested I run that kind of stuff by him first, which I totally get! 

Post # 51
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@nightborn:  This is how my SO and I work too, ”I was thinking of….” rather than just ”I am going to do…”, it’s just a respect thing for us. Generally every weekend we do things together, so if something was happening that we would be apart, it’s nice to run it by each other before making concrete plans.


But in the beginning it wasn’t like this. He used to make plans constantly and I would only know by overhearing him on the phone. But slowly as we grew as a couple, I could see his thinking shift, it was pretty cool.

Post # 52
683 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@FutureMrsT1221:  I think he’s being controlling and this would rub me the wrong way, too. I totally agree that you need to tell him about it in advance (Spring Break is months away!) but you did that so I dont get the reaction. Unless he was planning something in which case HE should have ran that by you before you made plans.

FWIW my husband  and I have been together for 8 years and there have been several occasions where last minute trips come up and we never ‘ask’ to go, but we always discuss logistics and whatever. 

Good luck!

Post # 53
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I definitely run things like travel without him by him first – not really permission, just a heads up before I finalize anything, just in case he has a surprise planned or something. 

Post # 54
14939 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m the one that knows our schedule so I actually dont think I run anything by him.  If I’m planning little trip without him, I already know if we have anything planned or not so I would have no problem making plans then telling him about it.  He runs things by me all the time, cause he never has any idea what plans we may or may not have.

Post # 55
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@FutureMrsT1221:  I’m very independent as well… But I do like to tell Fiance my plans. I’m not asking for his permission by any means… But I like giving him a heads up.. And he does the same to me.

Post # 56
1004 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

The way he reacted makes me wonder if he was planning something, maybe to surprise you? Or he thought you would be doing soemthing specific. My Fiance and I don’t really run things by each other per se, but we let each other know, like you did. I will or he will say “oh on this date I’m doing this.” After the plans are made. I guess if there was really some major issue we could always change plans, but it hasn’t really happened.

Post # 57
982 posts
Busy bee

@FutureMrsT1221:  I often run things by SO, like ‘do you mind if I go out for tea on Tuesday night?’ – not to say I’m asking permission, more like checking to see we didn’t have anything else on that I’ve forgotten about. He is pretty much the same, he’ll ask if I mind if he goes to the pub (although he didn’t ask me whether it was okay to invite his friend to stay at our house, which annoyed me!). I like that we run things by each other, it’s a respect thing more than a control thing.

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