Post # 1
A bit of a back story – I have 2 best friends, E & B. That’s what I typically say anyway, but the truth is two of us have grown substantially closer over the past 10 years. You see, we all went to high school together and were inseparable for those four years. However, E and I ended up choosing the same university, lived together for 6 years, bought homes a few blocks from one another and are both marrying men who get along very well. Besides, the logistics, we share more similar interests and lifestyles than we do with B. I have also found it increasingly toxic hanging out with B because she is very gossipy, always talking negatively about people, and just isn’t much fun these days at all (she can’t just loosen up and enjoy the company etc,). But, I value B’s friendship for all the years and memories we have together.
Two summers ago B got married, I was her Maid/Matron of Honor and E was a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Her wedding was at a resort a few hours away and we each had to take a day’s vacation, plus spend two nights at the resort (about $350.00). While she was very generous (treated us to hair and makeup etc.), she had picked out $400.00 Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses but split the cost with us ($200.00). We worked hard to throw her a fun, bachelorette party and helped her mother and her Future Mother-In-Law both host separate showers. I’m sharing this as a little background info, not to complain, because I was happy to do these things for my dear friend and wouldn’t expect to do anything less as a Maid/Matron of Honor / Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Fast forward two years later, and both E and I are getting married in 2012. Obviously, we are in each others weddings along with B. Well, I am beyond frustrated with her negativity. Every idea I put forward for Es bachelorette, she shoots it down. She complains about needing time off work for our weddings (they are both on Saturdays but she works shift work), and constantly complaining about costs, but points out that she can afford it just doesn’t WANT to spend her money and her limited weekends off at weddings, showers and bachelorettes all weekend. E told me she has ben saying similar things to her as well. Well, we are planning a 2-night white water rafting adventure for Es bacheorette and it costs $200.00 a person. I think that is very reasonable… well last night B called and said she doesn’t WANT to spend her money on that. A what point, do I call her out on her negativity? How do I do it in a classy way without causing ill-will? I cant listen to her complain any longer, but don’t want to have a blow up and bad blood between us… I’d rather just let our friendship fizzle out eventually because she is so toxic, but I’m not one for confrontation. Help!
Post # 3
At this point, sounds like there is no making her happy. She isn’t the bride anyway. Tell her you and E like the idea and if she can’t offer any better alternatives that she can choose to come and celebrate with E or she can miss out. Nobody is forcing her to spend the money
Post # 4
@Jamcnair: I agree.
I don’t think you should say anything. I think you just need to let it go. If you don’t want to continue the friendship after your weddings, let it fizzle then, but unless you’re looking for a big blowup, you aren’t going to change her attitude towards your weddings.
Post # 5
Yes, its not even just her attitude about our weddings but just her snarkiness, talkinga bout people, complaining in general that is making me want to scream! The wedding is just one area she is negative… one more example, E’s mom is planning her shower and has opted to do a Disney theme because that is where they are going on their honeymoon. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but its for E and she will love it. Her mom has even encouraged people to dress up in their favourite cgaracter if they would like…. of course as soon as B hears about this, her first comment is “God, that will look like a tacky 5-year olds birthday party. I dont want to dres up blah blah bla…” you had your shower, shut up complaining about other peoples ideas and events!!! Can you feel my frustration???
Post # 6
Honestly, I would just try to avoid talking to her until after the wedding. I know you’re trying to plan things together, but if she’s being so negative she doesn’t HAVE to go to the bachelorette(s) or shower(s).
Get everything that you possibly can set without her, and maybe try to deal with her more by email. That way if she complains, you can at least skim over and not waste a phone call.
Post # 7
@Ms. Stallion: honestly I would probably have the same reaction if invited to a Disney themed shower and encouraged to dress up lol BUT, I would only share my feelings with a close friend…kinda like what she’s doing with you.
Some people just have trouble being happy for other people and if you’re both getting married in 2012, she’s getting hit twice for showers, bach parties, dresses, etc. That does add up pretty quickly and she might not be fully honest about her financials. Just because she has the money, doesn’t mean she wants to spend it allll on other people’s wedding activities, you know what I mean?
If she complains about an idea, ask her if she has another suggestion. If she doesn’t then say, ok that’s it then.
I wonder if she also senses how close you and E are and she might feel left out? It’s not a good excuse to act the way she is but friendships change over time and she might be one of those that you ultimately distance from.