- 4 years ago
Brief background: Me – 25, almost 26, work full time, student. Him: 33, works full time. We both dropped out of college, I went back last spring. He kind of just fell in to his career.
We’re both the children of parents who divorced one another, as in, he has only two brothers that he totally claims because they grew up together, but in reality, there are a total of 6 half-brothers. I can see how his parent handled marriage affects him. I know how it affects me and how I come at relationships as an adult. On top of that, my last serious relationship ended when I left my abusive ex and he stalked me for almost a year.
Someone tell me I’m not crazy. I’ve been lurking around Waiting for a while now and I’m caving after a kind of fight the BF and I had yesterday before I left for work. We’ve been together for 2.5 years and we’ve known from fairly early on that we would like to go ahead and start planning a future together. Or, at least, that’s what I recall happening. He used to live alone, when we initially met, and back at the end of October/beginning of November, we moved in to my mother’s house (we rent with my brother and one of BF’s friends, mom does not live here).
Since I decided to go back to school a while back, I’ve been working 30-48 hour weeks on average for the 15 months. Part of this is for school costs, part of this is to pay off school debts I incurred the first time I went to college and build up a savings.
I’m (from what he says) the first girlfriend he’s ever lived with. It does make me feel special, yeah, but the more I’m waiting, the more I’m feeling like our relationship isn’t moving forward any more.
Again, I ask, someone please tell me I’m not crazy.
I was straight with the BF from the get-go. I’ve been engaged before, in an abusive relationship, and it was taken away from, and given back, to me like teasing a cat with a string toy. I don’t want to waste another 5 years of my life on a pipe dream. I want a relationship in which we grow and want, at least, some of the same things. We would have not so serious talks, and at one point, that talk became serious, and I laid out to him how I would like to see things progress, and at that point he told me I’d have a ring “by the end of next year” (2016). That got me excited, like I think it would anyone else. I’d ask about it, and then things kind of came to an aggressive head last fall when he told me he was going to propose on Thanksgiving (2016) because his parents were coming in to town since my mothers boyfriend volunteered the house for hosting (and his uncle’s family lives in the area) and said almost-step-dad had a family ring sitting in one of his safes.
Like. Holy shit. It’s gonna happen! Seems like a reasonable reaction to me, like this is something to be excited about.
So all through November, while we’re getting settled in to the house, I’m keeping my nails super done, nice, and do not bite them. I do what I can to get the house finished and ready for his parents and presentable for guests and hosting a holiday. My mother also decides to get all the carpet replaced in the house. On top of all this other stuff, I spend the entire month sick, with a cold. I’m already miserable and stressed.
A few days before Thanksgiving, almost-stepdad gets upgraded from boyfriend to fiance because my mother says yes.
Then Thanksgiving comes….
The Saturday after Thanksgiving, it just kind of hits me: “This isn’t happening.” The whole day, he’s prodding me, asking what’s wrong, et. al. And I told him, and we had this whole kind of knock-down-drag-out-emotions brawl in the driveway, and we’re rehashing the issues he has with why he didn’t keep his word: he didn’t want to be overshadowed by my mother’s engagement, his parents (mother/stepdad) are having issues, his father is a player, you get the idea. He says he didn’t know him proposing meant so much to me, but he just can’t do it then. I’m obviously crushed at this point, so I skip the outing his parents planned because I just didn’t want to make another scene.
Since then, we haven’t really talked about it seriously because he kind of just wants to shut down the conversation. It’s always “We’re not ready yet” or “You need to finish school first” or “We need to get our shit together first.” I can’t even look at anything online. If he sees me even looking, he gets upset, says he feels like I’m pressuring him, and the like. On one occasion, we got in to an argument and he told me that he’s so freaked out that an engagement ring means so much to me and that it makes him want to question our relationship because he thinks I’m putting so much emphasis on a proposal. He says that it makes him feel disrespected because the things he does at home and the hoops he’s jumped through with my family should be enough to prove that he DOES love me and IS committed to me.
A few weeks ago, we went to visit his hometown for an event with some very close friends of his. Yesterday, I asked if we could at least start looking since we maintain VLC with my mother and almost-stepdad. I was hoping that since we had joked about getting married at this local faire thing that maybe he’d be okay with learning about how to find a diamond and get a ring. I shouldn’t have been surprised. “We need to get our shit together. I’m still reeling from (hometown visit).”
I’m still really upset by this, obviously. I’m starting to hear, “You’re not enough” or “I want these things, just not with you.”
I’ve been pushing myself so hard for the majority of our relationship that this feels like a total slap in the face. Like I’ve said, I’m usually a lurker. I’ve already set a walk date, so the come to Jesus talk is coming soon. I want to get my feelings written down in a concise manner before I lay these things out for him. I don’t want to tell him my walk date because I don’t want him to feel pressured, but like many of you said, this is my future too, and my resentment grows with each forgotten deadline and dismissal. I’m tired of wasting all my concealer on puffy eyes instead of pimples, and I’m even more tired of being unable to sleep well. I feel like we’re just playing house at this point and I don’t want that. I hate that. I love this man to death and back. He’s a good man, regardless of his flaws.
I just want to stop crying all the time because I do feel hurt and I do feel like we’re just playing house at this point, and I want to stop feeling crazy.
Sorry for the wall of text.