(Closed) At what point does your word stop having meaning? (Rant-Ish)

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee

The positive thing is that you’re walking now instead of years down the line. I’ve read so many stories on here and also seen this play out in real life where women desire marriage but play the “cool girl” for 5+ years and then end up with a broken relationship all the same except with a lot more time down the drain. 

A man who can’t keep his word is a no go and not marriage material at all and it is good that you understand that. You’ll find so much better. 

Post # 17
Member
9259 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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wishiwasawizard :  He’s “reeling” from a baptism? That’s not a thing. It doesn’t make sense. There is nothing to reel from. Clearly he sees he’s running out of excuses so now he’s being ridiculous and grasping at straws. Absurd embarassing straws.

 

 

 

Reeling from a friend’s kid’s baptism!

Post # 18
Member
7422 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Uh…so he’s the one that promised to propose by Thanksgiving 2016, he’s the one who failed to do that, and now he’s the one reeling from it all? If anyone should be reeling here it’s you. This guy is so self centered it’s unreal. I’m sure he has some lovely qualities…but he’s right, he does need to get his shit together. And I don’t think it’s fair to expect you to wait around another moment for him to do that. It could take years, it may never happen.

Seriously, all I’m hearing from this dude is self-pitying excuses and gaslighting. He promised to propose to you and he didn’t, and now he;s making YOU the bad guy for daring to be upset that he broke his word.

He feels disrespected because you want a proposal too badly? What about respecting YOU? I mean wtf, does he have amnesia? Does he forget the time he promised to propose and then went back on his word? Has he even devoted 2 seconds of brainpower to imagining how that might make you feel? It doesn’t sound like it. He sounds incredibly self absorbed and lacking in empathy. I think you can do a lot better OP.

Fucking hell, I should probably stay off the waiting boards. Dudes like this are a dime a dozen and reading these all-too-common stories about flaky, self-absorbed, self-pitying manchildren is not good for my blood pressure!

Post # 20
Member
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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wishiwasawizard :  these moments happen, I cried when DHs less prepared friends got engaged then married and I hadn’t got my ring. Dh kept to our plan and we were engaged shortly after and married almost a year now. He didn’t get mad at me for being jealous of something he knew I wanted and we had been planing on. He also knew up front he had two years to decide to propose/make serious plans or I was out. We’ve always been very upfront.

Post # 21
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I wonder, if you replace marriage with sex and switch the two of you, how he would feel about that conversation. ‘I’m not ready to have sex yet.  November of this year I’ll be ready. I love you and I’m committed to you but you just need to finish a few things first.’ November comes and goes… ‘wait what? Sex is important to you?  All you think about is sex! Why are you reading/watching/asking me about sex, you’re stressing me out! Aren’t I worth more than my body? Aren’t I enough?’

Post # 22
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee

There will always be something that needs to happen before he proposes. He will just keep moving the goal post. 

Post # 24
Member
976 posts
Busy bee

I think you do know what is going to happen next, OP.

Post # 25
Member
7964 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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wishiwasawizard :  I’m sorry, Bee. My feeling is that if he wanted to be married to you then he would be making plans to marry you. He is not. At a certain point you have to decide if you’d rather be planning a future with someone who wants that future with you. 

Post # 26
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee

Tell him to pack his things and leave your house. And then change the locks because you never know how vindictive somebody can be. 

Post # 27
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

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Supernurse :  I have often thought about that comparison as well. I was in an LTR with a guy that would cry and whine if I wanted to wait until after dinner to have sex, rather than the second I walked in the door. But he said he wanted to wait “30 years at least” before marriage (he was 29 at the time). These guys are all the same! 

Post # 28
Member
481 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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wishiwasawizard :  a baptism? That makes even LESS sense 

Post # 29
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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Daisy_Mae :  Maybe he’s watched too many Marlon Brando films and has vastly over-estimated what his role of being Godfather actually entails. 

OP, you’ve already been given a lot of really good advice from the other Bees here. One thing that really sticks out in my mind is that he freaking well KNEW you were expecting a Thanksgiving proposal and he didn’t have the decency to tell you it wasn’t going to be happening, he allowed you to get your hopes up and wait for something he knew he wasn’t going to do. That’s both cowardly and cruel of him- and his ultra-lame and endless excuses are just the icing on the douchebag cake. 

I’m sure he does have some good qualities Bee, most guys do. But this doesn’t give them a free pass to get away with unacceptable shit. I don’t blame you for having a walk date Bee, you need to take care of your own well being and clearly you can’t count on your partner to be there for you. 

Post # 30
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

It concerns me that he says your enthusiasm/ wanting a proposal makes him question the relationship, if anything it should make him feel wonderful, that the woman he loves want to make that committment with him, to question the relationship is bizarre, imagine he wanted to get married to you and wanted to propose but you kept putting it off and told him you questioned the relationship because he wanted to marry you…it’s weird.

Maybe he doesnt understand that isn’t so much about the proposal it’s more about the confirmation of taking that next step towards a married joint life together. He should be telling you that you will have a ring by a certain time or he will propose in x amount of months if he hasnt the meatballs to back it up.

 

To be fair your relationship is still relatively early doors, I have been with my other half for the same amount of time and it has completely flown, I am ready for marriage but havent yet had serious talks and I am not yet at the stage where I feel like I am truly waiting, but every relationship is different and my other half hasnt told me I will have a ring any time soon etc.

It also doesnt sit well with me that he seems to be punishing you after an argument that happened so long ago, telling you he is still reeling, and getting upset if you are looking at things online that are wedding related, you are a woman, that’s what we do, we are different creatures to men by a long shot lol :-)…there is some definite gaslighting going on.

The only way to get anywhere in this situation is to have a proper straight talk about it, try to remain calm and to keep emotions off the table (easier said than done I know) – he needs to know that is it not acceptable to gaslight you, nor to give you false hope.

 

Good luck bee!

x

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