Post # 1
Would you reconsider marrying your fiance if you couldn’t handle his family? I don’t want to take him away from them, but they are so terrible that I don’t want to be around them because I feel unwanted. He has even tried talking to them about how terribly treat me and exclude me, but he obviously cannot control their actions. Thoughts?
Post # 2
I married my husband. I did not marry his family. The only thing that would have made me reconsider is if he had a severe, negaive personality change or joined the mob or something. Your SO needs to be an advocate for you now — Tell him to stand up to his family.
Post # 3
Hyperventilate: I feel like he does a really good job at standing up for me, but it still doesn’t change the way they act toward me 🙁 I absolutely love some of his family members (cousins, aunts mostly) while his mother, step-father, brother, and sister-in-law are just terrible when I feel like I try to be the sweetest I can be to them. It is also hard when everyone always talks about marriage as two families becoming one and all of that.
Post # 4
summersparklebride: I have issues with my fiance’s family too. But, as a pp wrote, I’m marrying him, not his family. Whenever I’m around his family I just do my best to be polite. Fiance has two teenage sisters, which can be a challenge sometimes, but if something happens where they make rude comments or I feel uncomfortable, I usually wait until we leave their house to bring it to my fiance’s attention and he will talk to his mother or sisters and tell them they were inappropriate.
I guess all that matters in the end is that he give you your place and stands up for you when needed. If he wouldn’t stick up for me with his family, then I would reconsider, but I’ve been lucky enough that he’s always put me first.
Post # 5
If your fiance will stand by you, then you can deal with his family. What do you want your relationship with them to look like, realistically? I would think about that, and then discuss with your fiance how yiu can work towards that.
Post # 6
summersparklebride: I absolutely agree with Hyperventilate: and kmartinez: in that I married DH and certainly not his family. While they’ve always treated me well his step-dad and mom were not good parents to him as a teenager and I have a hard time respecting/liking them after hearing his stories. Luckily, we don’t see them much and DH doesn’t have much of a connection with them (but we both do really love his grandparents and aunt and uncle). That being said, I’d would have only reconsidered if he became a totally different person, cheated, or was abusive.
Post # 7
summersparklebride: IMO, his most important role is to to draw boundaries to reduce the effect this has on your lives. I would expect him to not spend a ton of time with them (lets say max 1x per week), to be open to moving away from them, to stand up for you, and to generally take your side over theirs. At that point, I think he’ll have done all he can and I’d have no reservations about him and his loyalty to the family you are creating together.
Just like you can’t choose your family, he can’t choose his. Don’t hold it against him.
Post # 8
summersparklebride: I felt like I should reconsider for a bit, as I went through a really really tough time with FMIL. However, I found a way around it. As others have said, you’re marrying him, not his family, but they will always be there and you need to be able to accept that.
I actually sought help, and had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – where I was taught that the only things we can control are our own thoughts, feelings and behaviour, and try to control our negative thinking patterns. And honestly it’s the best thing I’ve ever been taught. And it’s made me care less about her opinions, and she’s stopped her poor behaviour as a result, and we’re now working towards a much more positive relationship! It isn’t easy at all – but you have to find your priorities, and your limits. There’s no point having a life that is miserable, but there are solutions out there.
I really hope it all works out for you x
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
This would really depend on my FI’s handling of the issue. If he was going to make it into a battle or not understand my wanting to keep distance or something else, I might reconsider the relationship. But if he were supportive, I’d make it work.
If he’s already talked to them and they didn’t care to make an effort, none of them can really be surprised if you keep your distance. THere’s no reason why he can’t have a relationship with them without dragging you with him all the time.
One major consideration: I’d have a really serious discussion about any potential future children, and what expectations you both have for that situation.
Post # 10
summersparklebride: as long as he stood up for me and put me first, and was willing to distance himself if they continued to be abusive to me, I would not leave him.
If his relatives are terrible to you, he should be immediately saying “this was very rude of you, and summersparkesbride and I are leaving”.
Post # 11
summersparklebride: My brother is an asshole and my fiance still wants to marry me. You’re not marrying the family. You’re marrying him. If you’re uncomfortable with them, then make it clear you’d rather not be around them, and then don’t go to family functions.
Post # 12
My FI had a major family crisis in Jan. I had some split second doubts due to the nature of the rift but they were literally less than a minute. I love him, family or no. That said, he acted reasonable and set good, healthy boundaries. How he acts is WAY more important than how they act.
Post # 13
Your FI shouldn’t let his family treat you poorly. if they do, he should limit communication with them and tell them that you’re a permanent part of his life and he’s only welcome where you’re welcome, that treating you wrong is treating him wrong and he won’t stand for that. But he can only do and say these things if he wants them and believes them on his own.
This is the stance my FI eventually had to take. We now have our own life, holidays, etc separate from the non-supportive family members and we are both much happier now. We’d be happiest if those relatives would just act normal, but we can only control our own choices. I never had to consider not marrying my FI because he was always clear with me and with his family that he would choose me anyday if they made him make a choice. We also have been very clear on future kids and that they will not be around anybody who doesn’t treat and think of both of us respectfully.
Post # 14
I’m not sure I agree to the whole ‘marrying him not his family’ notion… Let say you decide to have children. Those aunts/uncles and grandparents would be a part of this childs life. That would be important for me to consider…
My ex’s family was fairly horrible, in the way he and his siblings were raised/treated and the way they treated new family members. The only saving grace was that he agreed that his family was fairly horrible so we made choices for us, and avoided them.
I think for me it would come down to my children and how important I feel extended family is in their lives…. and how FI/SO handles the situation but that’s just me.
Post # 15
summersparklebride: This is a tough one…I too don’t believe in that “when you marry him, you marry the family too!” crap because I don’t believe that sharing DNA is an end all be all reason to accept poor treatment. I think the real question is not whether YOU can handle his family, but can HE.
I believe when you marry someone, that person becomes your true life partner and you must both come first in each other’s lives. You say he’s “tried” talking to them and does a great job standing up for them, but it sounds like you are still being subjected to awful treatment. If that’s the case, talking and standing up don’t work, and therefore it’s time for him to change the strategy. For example, mom, dad, whoever else, I’ve stated that XYZ treatment towards my fiance is unnacceptable, and yet you continue to do those things. The next time it happens, we will leave your company on the spot and won’t see you again until you apologize. Then he must FOLLOW THROUGH and SHOW them that he actually means it.
If they simply cannot treat you properly, he needs to consider limiting or even cutting contact with them. If he can’t do that, then yes, I would reconsider. There are many, many men that either have families that won’t mistreat you and/or would never continually subject you to that mistreatment if they do. Stakes only get higher (kids, aging parents, etc etc) as life goes on so if this doesn’t get under control you will only be more unhappy over time.