Post # 1
I need your thoughts on this situation. It’s actually kinda funny but I’m a little annoyed at it at the same time.
My husband has a friend/co-worker who does wood work. When we got married he made a beautiful wooden box for us with our last name initial on it. His wife (who I did not know at the time) also made cards for us to go with the box so our wedding guest can sign it which I thought was super sweet. After coming back from our wedding I asked my husband to invite him and his wife to dinner so we can say thank you (we were planning on paying for the meal or cooking for them). It never happened though due to various reasons such as them needing a baby-sitter or my husband’s co-worker continuously saying we didnt need to do that. This happened from April-September.
In December, I went to my husband’s christmas party for work and I saw his friend’s wife. Through casual conversation I mentioned to her how we been wanting to hang out with her and I made a joke how we been trying to get her husband to let us say thank you to them for the box and cards. We ended up exchanging numbers. Later that same night she texted me and asked if we wanted to go to a certain restaurant that is very high-end and famous in our town. She said she would make reservations and I agreed to the plans.
So this past Friday we went to dinner and when the check came she began saying thank you for dinner. My husband and I looked at each other like the world came crashing down on us. The restaurant bill was about $400.
We paid for the bill even though we were not prepared to and played it off. Her husband looked mortified. The wife did not seem to notice.
Now do not get me wrong, my husband and I really really appreciate what they did for us for the wedding BUT I was not planning on thanking them by taking them to one of the most expensive restaurant in our city. Also from my POV it was never established that this was our thank you dinner.
I know there is nothing I can do about it now..the dinner is paid and that’s that but I’m just curious what do you guys think? I took her inviting us out as just that..inviting us out with them. I would have never chosen that restaurant to say thank you.
Post # 2
Saying that you want to go out to eat to thank them for their gift does sort of imply you’ll be picking up the tab. I do find it rude that they suggested such an expensive restaurant. I couldn’t imagine expecting someone to pick up my $200 bill. I think this was just poor communication all around.
Post # 3
If someone was taking me to dinner I would never pick such an expensive restaurant. Sounds inconsiderate of the wife, did the husband try to pitch in or just stand there looking mortified. Maybe cultural differences? I would chalk it up to miscommunication
Post # 4
I can definitely see the miscommunication. You specifically told them you’ve been wanting to hang out and thank them, did you mention dinner? You did earlier in this post, but its unclear if you mentioned it to her specifically. In the grand scheme of things $200 as a thank you for their box and wedding gifts isn’t that crazy, and it would be weird to say anything now.
Post # 5
- Yes, that was ballsy and inconsiderate of her to pick a super expensive restaurant.
- Im sure her husband has mentioned to her that your husband had asked him a few times if you guys can take them out for dinner as a thank you. I probably would have assumed the same too if I was her.
- If the above is true, and that they assumed this going out is the “thank you dinner”, she should have picked a moderately priced restaurant. I’m thinking like Outback or Cheesecake Factory level. lakebee :
ETA: I re-read your post and you said that right after your honeymoon, you told your husband to invite them for dinner. Then when you finally met her in December, you “joked” about wanting to take them out. So which one is it? Perhaps next time don’t joke around something you did not mean to do. Some people will take you seriously and take you up on your offer.
Post # 6
jellybellynelly : in person during the christmas party, yes I did mention saying thank you to them and taking them out but we made no plans. Later during the text messages “a thank you dinner” was never talked about. She just asked us if we wanted to hang out and go to this restaurant and she said she will make the reservations.
I guess I would have rather just pay for the stuff outright. It was the unexpectedness. Especially coming out of the holidays..we were not ready to take on a bill like that.
I guess culturally I just thought that if someone wanted to say thank you, a person should let them do it on their terms? But I guess I can be wrong. I see the miscommunication and where it could have been confused.
Post # 7
lakebee : miscommunication aside, I’m cringing into my wallet for you. I’d’ve turned green! 🤢
Post # 8
To be fair, based on your account of things, I also would have been shocked that this was a thank you dinner and you were expected to pick up the tab. If it was intended as you thanking them, the invite would have come from you and not the other way around.
And then even on top of that, why would she suggest such a fancy restaurant if she was expecting you to pay? I’d be annoyed too. $200 for a box and some cards? No thanks.
Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anything you can do at this point. I’d just chalk it up to rude people and avoid future social outings with these folks.
Post # 9
I can see where the communication problem happened, but who in the hell chooses the most expensive place and makes the reservation for a dinner that is supposed to be a thank you gift?!?!
What a dick.
Post # 10
That was ballsy of her. BALL-SY.
Post # 11
Given that you’d invited them to dinner previously I guess I can see how she assumed you were buying, but agree that it was super tacky and ill mannered of her to suggest the most expensive restaurant in town when it was on your dime.
Post # 13
- Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY
lakebee : That was very tacky of her to choose an expensive restaurant with the expectation of you both paying. I don’t think that you wanting to treat them to dinner gave her carte blanche to do that. So sorry that you were put on the spot like that!
Post # 14
The box was apparently a wedding gift, or part of one. Only a thank you note was necessary in return. Any specific offer of hospitality, regardless of intent, should have come from you. The wife was unpardonably presumptuous, rude, and tone deaf to assume you’d be paying for a very expensive meal of her choosing. Inviting you to join them then sticking you with the bill was NOT any sort of miscommunication.
Post # 15
I agree that it’s strange and extremely presumptuous to choose the most expensive place in town and make the reservations themselves. But I can also see how this was a miscommunication.
lakebee : You told her that, “We been trying to get her husband to let us say thank you to them for the box and cards. We ended up exchanging numbers. Later that same night she texted me and asked if we wanted to go to a certain restaurant that is very high-end and famous in our town.”
You then say that, “Later during the text messages ‘a thank you dinner’ was never talked about.” Yet you had specifically mentioned dinner as a thank you (by inviting them for dinner several times) and then after you reminded her and exchanged numbers, she texted you that same night to follow up and, it seems, take you up on the offer. It sounds like she figured you felt like you’d been having difficulty getting them to accept your offer and so she decided to take you up on it and suggest someplace that they actually wanted to go.
Now, I’m not saying she handled this well. But I can see how it was assumed that you’d be paying for the meal after you reminded her you guys wanted to treat them to something as a thank you, and exchanged numbers presumably for that reason, and then she followed up almost immediately to suggest a restaurant.