Post # 31
Is there anything you can do that would give some sort of nod to Christianity and how important it is to your family community & culture, while not actually incorporating the religious stuff into anything like the vows? (It’s one suggestion. I also agree with the person about taking a stand and allowing atheism to be visible, but it’s easy for me to say that without religious parents.)
(I’m trying to figure out how to do this with incorporating cultural Jewish elements without anything religious, but I don’t have the confounding issue of a religious family.)
Post # 32
This is very tough and I don’t envy you. All I can say is be yourself and true to your belief, your parents and family are and so should you. Also walking in their shoes understand they will be devastated because they will look to themselves to see where they failed to instil their beliefs in you. Best of luck.
Post # 33
alto82: I’m sorry you’re in this position! I’m getting married next summer, and we’re both atheist, but we’re going to do the 2 Corinthians 13 reading for sure. You know, the “love is patient, love is kind” verse? It’s nonoffensive to my views, but I’m hoping it’ll throw the family off a bit. There will have been some bible! Maybe they won’t notice the lack of Jesus!
But I’m definitely worried about it. So sympathy and solidarity from me.
Post # 34
Sorry that you’re in this position – it’s never fun having to go through this kinda stuff. I would say that the best course of action is honesty. You could go with throwing in some religious stuff if that doesn’t bother you, but don’t feel like you have to conform to other people’s beliefs on your special day. It is all up to you in the end, and your family may be upset about it, but they will eventually get over it.
Post # 35
alto82: Hi! I guess I am still getting notifications for this post! So basically we did add religious elements to our ceremony and wedding without going overboard. During the ceremony, we had my Dad (who is a pastor) do a prayer. And then at the end of the ceremony, our officiant did this benediction:
“May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.”
Which, despite being an atheist, I can still find beauty in those words and it’s a nice sentiment. So those were the only two religious elements we had in our ceremony. For our reception, we did have one of my Dad’s pastor friends do a quick prayer before eating. And I swear, I REALLY stressed the issue of it being quick. Really really. It all ended up going great. Our ceremony was full of US in it. We wrote our own vows, we talked extensively with our officiant about what we wanted and didn’t want. It was beautiful. And it didn’t feel like too much to give it a little bit of a religious influence. I don’t even remember the blessing before the meal. It was overall very secular. But my parents were pretty happy. My Dad was happy to have had his role in the ceremony, beyond just giving me away with my Mom. 3 years later, people in our family still talk about our wedding and how great it was. Since then we’ve had kids and the next tricky thing to navigate was the baptism and recently I got questions from my parents about whether I make sure to have my kids pray every night. Oh goodness…
My thinking on this is that there would have been no benefit to us to take a stand and have the wedding be completely secular. It would have only caused heartache. It didn’t detract from the day at all to have two prayers and a benediction. You have to weigh the pros and cons. If having religious elements would hurt your soul or really tarnish your experience of the day, by all means, skip it. But for us, those religious elements were tiny tiny blips in the day. Hardly noticeable. Plus, I like making my parents happy, and I have rarely seen my parents so happy as on my wedding day.
Post # 36
redstarburst: Thanks for adding that, nice to see a happy ending there! It also sounds like the perfect compromise – allowing your parents to add their best wishes toward you as a couple without having to falsify your vows and all that good stuff. Nice!
Post # 37
In a similar situation myself. Fiance is aethiest. I’m agnostic. Told my dad several months ago, and he disowned me. He has a severe problem with short term memory, though, so he forgot the conversation. I’m not about to remind him. We are having the ceremony in a church as a nod to my family’s faith with a somewhat sandwiched ceremony. The pastor will do the intention, sermon, and declaration, but a family member will do the vows and rings part with no mention of God. Mom is all bent out of shape about it, and Fiance isn’t completely thrilled but this is the best compromise we got. The family can have their parts to wish us well via their faith but our actual vows to each other will be 100% what we believe. The ceremony battle makes you seriously consider eloping, though. Good luck!
Post # 38
My fiance and I are both athiest, and whereas my family has been supportive overall, his family is PROFOUNDLY Christian. So I empathize. We’ve been getting a lot of passive aggressive “Oh but maybe if we found a pastor then……” or his mom trying to find one behind our back. The two best suggestions I have are finding tasks (ideally menial but time consuming tasks like writing out invitations) to get them to help out with so they feel involved OR (and my fiance unfortunately had to pull this card…) tell them that if this continues they will not be invited to the ceremony.
Post # 39
Alysa : Hey Bee. Please refrain from bringing back dead threads. You are absolutely welcome to start a new thread to comiserate or get opinions though!! This OP is long gone though. Closing.