Attachment parenting?

posted 2 months ago in Babies
Post # 136
4929 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Your husband is awful. My husband works rotating 12 hour shifts in a demanding job and he still took over for me when he came home from work and made sure I got sleep. Stop making excuses for yours.

Post # 137
1743 posts
Bumble bee

Not sure if you mentioned this, but does your husband work 7 days a week? If not, what does he do on weekends/his days off? That’s when you should at least be getting some sleep in. 

Post # 139
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You are making excuses for your husband. Stop. The days are long gone where raising children is the job of the mother. Hell to the NO! I’m sorry, but my husband would never watch me suffer while he got a good night’s sleep.

As far as BFing. Please just move to formula. I won’t get into a debate about this, but BFing is not always better. You will not make me believe that the breast milk of someone who eats a bunch of fast food or suffers from malnutrition is better than my Alimentum. Furthermore, if the mother is suffering as you do, there is no way that is better. I Boyfriend or Best Friend for 6 months, and then I moved to Alimentum. My daughter became much less fussy when I moved to Alimentum, so she may have been allergic to my milk. Eventually, after the smoke cleared, I let go of the idea of what a mother should be, and just concentrated on being the best mother I could be for my daughter. Kill all that other noise. 

If you want to know another perspective on the manipulation that is BFing, go to youtube and type in Adam Ruins Breastfeeding. 

Post # 140
1412 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

If your husband won’t help you with any parenting I hope he’s at least doing the cooking and cleaning before he trots off to bed at 10pm every night!

Post # 141
46 posts

Hi, I didn’t have time to read all the responses but wanted to tell you that you are not alone and please believe that this stage will pass. Your experience sounds like my own, and it sounds like colic. Starting when he was two weeks old, my baby cried and screamed day and night, even when held. Our days at worst were 16-18 hours of crying. Sleep periods were brief and only happened in our arms. I couldn’t effectively breastfeed because he couldn’t stop crying and thrashing so I started exclusively pumping. Sometimes, he would cry so hard he would hold his breath and his lips would turn blue, and he would then pass out (and start breathing normally). My mother raised four children and said she had never seen anything like it. I had experience working with infants in a daycare and I had never seen anything like it. My husband and I were terrified.

In our case: Our doctor believed our baby had reflux and a milk allergy after finding blood in his diaper. I stopped consuming all dairy and we met with a pediatric gastroenterologist who confirmed the allergy with testing and the reflux with ultrasounds and x-rays. He said this was what he and many doctors believe is colic. He told us not to worry too much about the breath-holding episodes, that he would breathe normally if he passed out (we still took CPR courses). He gave us a prescription for colic drops (which didn’t really help), 2 forms of reflux medicine and a hypoallergenic formula because I couldn’t make enough milk. It didn’t get better overnight, but things slowly improved. When our baby finally came out of it, we saw his true personality: bright, curious, wildly excitable and happy. It seemed he had no memory of the period. 

Perhaps there are levels to it, but sometimes I think people mistake typical newborn fussiness for colic or call their baby “colicky.” In my experience, there is a difference. True colic was hell. It was a soul crushing experience and unless someone has been through it, I think it’s impossible for them to understand. The feeling is beyond the usual exhaustion and frustration that comes with caring for a newborn. For me and my husband, it was extreme exhaustion but more significantly, a feeling of overwhelming despair that we couldn’t help our precious baby who was screaming out to us in pain and fear. There was nothing we could do and no end in sight. 

I would keep talking to your baby’s doctor to make sure things are Ok, and hold your baby when she cries. You’re not doing anything wrong; she needs you and I know it’s so hard when you’re so tired. Hang in there ❤️

Aside from walking around the house, bouncing / jostling and swinging baby in our arms, here are some things that helped us get through this period:

– You need breaks. I wish I had asked for more help from my family. When people came over I felt I had to stay in the room. I handed the baby over to my husband when he got home from work each day, but just sat there shell-shocked. I wish I had left the room for an hour and taken a bath or a nap out of earshot of the cries. I needed it and he would have been fine with it.

– Rock & Play (recalled / NOT recommended): After a couple months, my baby would nap in it for short periods. It held him in a semi-upright position so I think it helped with his reflux. These are recalled now due to infant deaths so I am NOT recommending their use!!! But they sell wedges you can fit under a mattress that may provide the same benefit. I advise checking with a doctor if these wedges are safe / beneficial if you’re interested in using one.

– Music: Our baby would stop crying if we played piano music, sometimes we had to play it loudly so he could hear it but when he did, he would stop crying and listen for a little while. I tried to find relaxing piano music rather than anything that felt frenzied.

– Change of scenery / situation: I would take the baby into another room and take his pants off. I’m not sure why but the act of taking his pants off would always make him stop crying and sometimes make him smile.

– Baths: Giving our baby a bath in warm water relaxed him and changed his focus. 

– Swaddling: Our baby had a strong startle reflex and he broke out of every swaddle we made for him, including Velcro swaddles. We finally tried the SwaddleMe zip up pod swaddles that fit very snugly and found he slept better when wearing them.

– Dangling toys / hands: I would lay baby in my bed and dangle some toys in front of him, sometimes just use my hands and make movements with my fingers in front of his face. This also distracted him from crying.

– Lightly blowing on his hair would stop him crying, and he still likes when I do this now  

Good luck, mama. You have my sympathy. Wishing you all the best as you get through this stage ❤️ 

Post # 142
5567 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

zoraneale :  my husband was sleeping, heard me with our crying baby, got out of bed, took the baby from me, and told me to go to bed


Post # 143
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sansa85 :  That is exactly how it’s supposed to be. My brain can’t wrap around anything else. 

Post # 144
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Bee, hire someone. You’re beyond exhausted and your husband seems to be living on another planet and/or likes watching you suffer. (I would have murdered him by now but that’s just me and some other Bees). Anyways a babysitter who is used to newborns isn’t going to quit because the baby is crying. They aren’t hired to watch a sleeping baby for four hours while they watch TV. A babysitter knows newborns cry, sometimes endlessly. Hell, when I was like 14 I babysat for my neighbors for a few months. Baby was super colicky and wailed constantly. I did everything I was meant to do, baby was fed, changed, burped, etc. it was just a screamer. And it was my job to deal with it. Because I was the paid babysitter and mum and dad needed a weekly date night to stay sane.

Also, for what it’s worth, I apparently also never slept and screamed constantly as a baby. Whenever my parents speak about me as a newborn they get this kindof shell shocked look of horror just from the memories. Apparently switching to formula helped, and as an adult I was diagnosed with a lactose intolerance so maybe that was part of the issue. Either way despite months of not sleeping and screaming my head off and being formula fed I’m a well adjusted adult and was a pretty chill child.

Also, who are these weirdos you know who keep saying newborns are easy, or easier than older kids?!? I don’t know ANYONE who thinks that. Newborns are hard and boring, and I LIKE babies.

Post # 145
1228 posts
Bumble bee

I remember the dark days of the 4th trimester.  I remember feeling despondent, out of control, isolated. I remember feeling like I was a failure, wondering what I had gotten myself into, knowing exhaustion like I’d never known in my life. I remember crying, I remember praying, I remember spiralling into deeply negative thoughts…

Bee – I really wish what you were describing was not an all-too-common part of parenting, but it is.  I have seen lasting effects of those first difficult months: I have seen friends change drastically because of what they went through with their newborns.

I have also seen many many more people come out on the other side and go on to have even more children or – get this! – talk nostalgically about those first few days (WHEW HORMONAL AMNESIA!).

Get help.  See your pediatrician about reflux/digestive issues. See an ENT about anything else that might have been missed (e.g. lip tie). See a lactation consultant who might diagnose issues with breastfeeding (e.g. forceful letdown). See an infant chiropractor.  Find a postpartum doula, night nanny or sitter who can come over and let you sleep for 6 hours.  See your doctor about PPA/PPD – I know you are not sold on this because you think this is exclusively a sleep issue, but the problem with PPD/PPA is that its difficult to self-diagnose because you are dealing with so many other changes that could “explain” your poor mental state (lack of sleep, overwhelmed by new schedule etc).

Make changes. Cut out dairy to see if that changes anything. Switch to formula – breastfeeding is great but your mental health is far far more important. PRIORITIZE YOUR SLEEP – everyone else can sacrifice a little.  Throw out the parenting books – whether it is because they are giving you confusing advice or because of the argument “our parents did it without books”, they are clearly not helping.

I am a strong proponent of the oxygen mask approach to parenting.  You cannot possibly take care of a baby if you are struggling yourself. Prioritize your physical and mental health so you can be a happier person and a happier mother.

P.S. I have NOTHING good to say about your husband but I don’t think you should make him the focus right now.  There will come a time when you have more emotional space to take a step back and really look at your life and the role he is playing (or not playing) in it, but now is just not the time. 

P.P.S. I am due with my second in a few months, so I’m obviously someone who came out on the other side, talked nostalgically about the baby days and decided to go for another.  But I still remember how rough the beginning was.

Post # 146
2182 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

What about your health??? Your husband should be concerned about you. How can he sleep soundly when you are having to stay up all night with your baby. It is his baby, too. He absolutely needs to help you with this. 

Post # 148
8162 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

helixthecat :  I’m glad it’s getting better! And there is no “right” way. It’s very common to babywear all the time with a newborn. I’ll never comprehend the people who think holding your baby is wrong – you can’t spoil a baby! It’s really scary going from mommy’s nice cozy womb with lots of noise and motion to a cold, quiet, stationary crib. 

Post # 149
1265 posts
Bumble bee

You’ve had so many responses that I usually wouldn’t bother. But I literally CAN’T with your replies about your husband and your excuses for him. The poor man can’t form senteneces or think at work? He needs to concentrate? Please – what do you think women do all day? And don’t assume I don’t know what your dealing with, that maybe my husband had an ‘easier baby’ to ‘help’ with. We had twins. Twins are no joke. And my husband was with me every step of the way, every hour of the night. Your husband needs to be a better human. 

Post # 150
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

helixthecat :  did you speak to your husband??

I had a relatively normal baby, but he was in NICU for a week and I never produced milk (so stressful and felt so guilty, I would pump 12 times a day and produce 2 oz total combined). Switching to formual helped me so much.

Also, I was a stay at home mom and my Darling Husband had a v stressful job…and he still did 90% of night feedings himself so I could sleep.

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