Post # 166
helixthecat : I don’t understand why she still won’t sleep in her crib since she’s obviously not in distress, but I may never figure that one out.
It’s because she spent 9 months in a cozy, moving, loud, warm little cocoon and it’s hard to adjust to life on the outside. A lot of babies don’t sleep in their cribs well for the first few months.
Have you read about the 5 S’s? Lifesaving for many, many people.
heartbreaking to know that she’s so unpleasant that her own grandparents are rejecting her.
Girl. Deep breaths. Look, no one likes a screaming baby in the moment. It’s a noise that is evolutionarily adapted to be piercing and terrible. Granddads in particular are from an era when they didn’t do a whole lot with screaming babies. I remember my dad being a really hands-on dad, but even now, he hands off the grandbabies when they start crying. Yes it sucks that he didn’t stay and help, but it’s not your baby’s fault he can’t handle a little crying. It’ll get better.
Can your mom come help some more in the meantime? When my baby was in the throes of crying fits at 4-8 weeks old and my parents were here, my mom held him and rocked him and fed him every night from 8-10 pm while we napped. My dad cooked dinner and cleaned the kitchen every night. Each was great in its own way, but having someone on baby duty while you nap is key.
Post # 167
Do you use white noise for baby? What about swaddling?
Post # 168
KittyYogi : The 5S (except the stomach/side positions, which make her furious) are helpful for downgrading the screaming to crying, and sometimes from crying to whining, but they are useless for helping her sleep. It seems like the #1 problem with sleep for her is being flat. I can easily get her to sleep if I’m holding her, but the second I transfer her to a crib or bassinet, she starts screaming instantly. That’s true regardless of how long it’s been since she ate.
I can sometimes prop her in the boppy or her bath sling to give my arms a break, but I obviously can’t nap or leave the room since those are illegal maneuvers. I actually love it when she’s in the front pack carrier and I lean back on the couch and let her rest on my chest because it’s close to the sweet baby snuggles that were so prominently featured in the “So You Wanna Be A Mommy” brochure, but I can’t quite let myself fall asleep like that.
Post # 169
helixthecat : I would read up on safe co-sleeping practices. I know, I know, co-sleeping is officially a “no-no” BUT most parents have done it intentionally or not and I think it’s better to do it intentionally and safely rather than passing out without meaning too (guilty).
Post # 170
Is it possibly for your husband to stay awake with you so you can allow your baby to fall asleep on your chest while getting some rest yourself? We did this for a few days, my husband sitting on the couch next to us, while my little one and I napped. This worked really well instead of fighting putting her down. Do what you feel is comfortable but as long as he was wide awake we felt this was a safe arrangement. If he got sleepy he would wake me up and then I would stay up drink coffee and let her sleep.
Forgive me if you mentioned it already, but have you considered a side car crib? My little one also hates sleeping flat, but have the crib next to our bed she usually sleeps a in 1-3 hour increments since I can soothe her easily. Also I can nurse her side lying with her safe in her crib, kind of co sleeping but her in her own space.
Post # 171
Also chiming in on this comment because I agree – good, tight swaddles and womb sounds / white noise helped our restless baby sleep.
I thought my baby didn’t like being swaddled until we tried the SwaddleMe zipper swaddles. Very highly recommend them. Baby looked like a little sausage in them and he finally stopped startling himself awake.
White noise machines didn’t work great for us but playing womb music such as sleep-o-phant’s Baby Einschlaf-Hilfe (on iTunes and YouTube) did help.
Post # 172
Okay, I can’t not comment on this anymore.
zzar45 : FFS, I don’t care how hellish things are at work, NOTHING compares to the torture of not sleeping more than an hour a night for weeks on end! So far this guy reminds me of my dad when I was an infant—my mom took on every single thing re baby so he could sleep because heaven forbid he get less than eight hours a night. Fun fact, I’ve never been very close to my dad. I mean, yes, we ladies have the boobs, but hunger is just ONE of the possible reasons a newborn might be screaming. Everything else is a sex-neutral task.
Sansa85 : 1000% agree. Right and wrong don’t live here. As long as you and your baby are healthy and you’re marginally sane, you’re doing great. Who cares how/where she’s “supposed” to sleep by now?
EVERYONE is different in terms of what they need in moments of transition (your baby has spent more time inside your body than outside it at this point; of COURSE she’s more comfortable being as close to you as possible). Comparing yourself to others or guidelines from parenting books will only cause you frustration. I’m so sorry this is such a struggle. You deserve some real help, not in spite of how difficult this time with your daughter is, but because of that.
LilliV : Absolutely. People all over the world co-sleep with success. There are even some studies that claim that it’s safer than crib sleeping when done correctly. And before you ask, no, it will not turn your child into an asshole 🙂 .
Hang in there, Bee!
Post # 173
helixthecat : Do you have a bassinet or baby box with a removable liner/mattress? For a short while, my baby would wake up as soon as I put her flat in her bassinet, but if I took the liner out and sat on it while I was feeding her then she would usually sleep once I put her on the warm bassinet. Kind of requires moving like a ninja to get the mattress out from under you and back into the bassinet one-handed but you do what you gotta to keep baby asleep.
Post # 174
helixthecat : It was kind of validating to see I’m not alone in finding her hard to cope with but also heartbreaking to know that she’s so unpleasant that her own grandparents are rejecting her.
Bee, I am going to strongly reiterate that you really see a doctor about possible PPD/PPA. The discontent, bordering on hostility, that you apparently feel towards your daughter is a) very troubling and b) an all too common sign of PPA/PPD.
As zzar45 : pointed out, your baby is not manipulative. She is not a “diva”. At her extremely young age, it is impossible for her to be an “entitled asshole”. She is not trying to be “unpleasant” and it is not her fault by any means that some of the adult (males?) in her life have proven themselves to be unreliable, responsibility-shirking losers.
She is adapting – and struggling as all babies do – to the new physical world she exists in, the overwhelming cognitive stimulation she’s receiving, the pain of developing her digestive system, raw motor cycles, sight… She is reacting on pure animal instinct with extremely limited communication abilities. She cannot speak, self-soothe or reason: she can only cry and hope something responds.
I am not writing any of this to make you feel bad or incompetent or a failure. But I am telling you that the language you are using to describe your helpless daughter is extremely alarming. Especially when contrasted with the myriad of excuses you have for your husband. Think about it Bee: you are willing to consider your 2 month old might be a scheming or even spiteful person but are reluctant to believe your husband who is at least 18 years old is being deliberately selfish? Come on Bee – you have to know something isn’t right here.
Make an appointment with your doctor and tell them honestly that you are – very rightfully! – exhausted, overwhelmed and starting to have troubling thoughts about your child. If your doctor doesn’t decide to look into possible PPA/PPD, I’d find a new doctor.
You can and will get to the other side of this, but you have to start by prioritizing your health, both mental and physical.
Post # 175
livster : Think about it Bee: you are willing to consider your 2 month old might be a scheming or even spiteful person but are reluctant to believe your husband who is at least 18 years old is being deliberately selfish? Come on Bee – you have to know something isn’t right here.
+10000, so well said.
Post # 176
livster : Totally agree, interpreting the emotional motive behind a newborn’s wailing is not helpful. As we age we learn to associate crying/screaming as signs of anger/sadness and persistent screaming/crying/whining as signs of manipulation/unrest/being a “diva” or a “terror”…..but this is an infant we’re talking about here. OP, It’s a little worrying to hear you speaking about the baby’s behavior in terms of intent, when her distress is definitely NOT a personal attack on you or anyone else. On the other hand, I can understand how this logic flies out the window on the amount of rest you’ve been able to get.
Post # 177
You’re hearing things I’m not saying. What I actually said was that I don’t want her to BECOME an entitled asshole. I have worked with college students for most of my career and I can spot the ones whose parents have solved every problem for them at 100 paces. Mom usually comes with them to their meetings with me to help them complain about things like the fact that their professor expects them to read outside of class. I don’t want to be that kind of mom and I don’t want to raise that kind of future adult.
I also never said that she was intentionally unpleasant.
Babies are capable of learning even at this age. I watched her yesterday when she dropped her binky and she craned her neck with her mouth open trying to get it back for several seconds before she started crying. She was trying to take care of it herself. She wasn’t successful and I had to help her, but damn, I was proud of her for trying before she cried for help. If I hold her 24 hours a day, I will (1) die and (2) cut off all opportunities for her to learn how to soothe herself or get in a more comfortable position or basically do anything for herself. I don’t want to teach her helplessness and, no, babies are not totally helpless. She can’t make a sandwich, but she’s already learning skills. I make her calm down and take a breath before I give her the bottle so she doesn’t choke on it, so she is capable of controlling her emotions to an extent.
Very soon, she’s going to have to go to daycare. I have to go back to work—being a Stay-At-Home Mom is not an option. No daycare is going to put up with a baby who demands to be held every minute of the day or screams the whole time. I have 6 weeks to get her to the point that she can function without the complete undivided attention of an adult 24 hours a day because all of our daycares have 8 babies and 2 teachers in a room.
Post # 178
I do. I’m going to try that.
Post # 179
helixthecat : when you do start daycare, send her with a shirt that you’ve been wearing. My daughter started at 9 weeks and they suggested bringing a shirt that I wore the day before so she would have my scent to comfort her. They would wrap it around her while she was swaddled so she would feel close to me
They suggested that with all of their new babies
If she lets you put her down, you could try that at home too, to see if it will help her settle out of your arms for a bit
Post # 180
LilliV : cosigned someone who coslept with baby until one year
We all had some peace this way.