Attachment parenting?

posted 1 month ago in Babies
Post # 16
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

My daughter had to sleep on me, in the car or in her swing from birth until 6months when I sleep trained and crib trained. Your baby has been on this earth for .2 seconds and you’re complaining about her crying while switching boobs. Not sure what you thought babies do? But they CRY..that is normal..And I know SEVERAL people who had to hold or wear their baby 24/7 so idk why you’re acting like that never happens every baby is different.  your baby could be colic, have reflux, be too hot or too cold…there could be something wrong but you assume she is crying for no reason which at 6 WEEKS crying is to be expected. It sounds like you are overwhelmed and need help, please reach out, where is your partner in all of this if you have one??? Babies these age NEED you to respond to every need it is essential for their development…they are too young to be “spoiled” or to self soothe so sorry but that’s what comes with being a mom.

Post # 17
Member
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

You need some help ASAP. You can’t be the sole one taking care of her 24/7 and it sounds like you’ve reached your boiling point. It’s good that you recognize how dangerous the situation is right now and you need to call for help RIGHT NOW. TODAY. please please please reach out to a health professional and family as soon as possible.

Post # 18
Member
213 posts
Helper bee

Hi, my firstborn only napped at that age a) while being driven around in the car or b) while attached to my nipple or c) while being worn in a sling as I walked. I have four kids, and honestly, all of them were horrible sleepers. For most of them, they really didn’t nap on their own for about 6 months. Which is insane and torture for new parents.

My only other friend with a baby at the time had a baby who was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks and would be able to be placed in a crib wide awake and just fall asleep. So that was my expectation. I was brutally proven wrong.

Because this is your first you have the luxury of being able to do everything you can to get that baby to sleep. I know I was worried about creating bad habits, but honestly, sometimes you do what you can to get your kid to sleep for both your sakes. My son would nap on his boppy in my lap after nursing. Sometimes when I was exhausted I would clear off all the blankets/pillows in my bed, lie down with him, and nap while he nursed. I tease him now about how attached he was to the nipple (and pacifiers weren’t a good substitute) but the kid is 15 and turned out to be a lovely, normal kid, I promise.

Our other strategy was to go for hour-long car rides n a carefully mapped out route which minimized stoplights because that kid would wake up as soon as the car came to a stop.

Now this all sounds crazy, I know. And I remember my brother coming to visit me in the thick of it (before he had kids) and shaking his head and telling me to just put him in the crib. But babies need sleep, and they’re not trying to manipulate anyone at that age. Sometimes they lack the ability to self-soothe. My brother ate his words when his secondby refused to nap and he resorted to driving him around for his naps!

My babies also averaged about a year before sleeping through the night. I remember asking my pediatrician at  my second baby’s one-year visit if he could still really need to eat or if it’s just comfort nursing, and she told me that yes, some babies still wake up hungry in the night. 

You’re in a fog of sleep-deprivation and hormones. It is pretty awful, I know.

Nap when you can. Soothe your baby when they cry, they’re impossible to spoil, I promise.

Post # 19
Member
8866 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

helixthecat :  “I am starting to wonder if it’s realistic to guarantee that your baby never ever cries even for a minute.” Sweetie, this is absolutely NOT realistic. Nobody ever said it was. I actually noticed in your OP that you say “my efforts to not allow her to cry” — the effort should not be to not let her cry, it should be to meet her needs. For most babies, meeting their needs results in them not crying, but if your baby is colicky or touch sensitive or any number of other reasons, she might still cry more than usual. It is not realistic to set a goal of your baby never crying. I’m wondering like a PP — is her dad around, do you have any help or support?

Post # 20
Member
224 posts
Helper bee

Daisy_Mae :  Her husband is the same man who she said would be immensely annoyed if she made any unpleasant faces or sounds during labor…

Id be surprised if he was game to do much with a colicky NB…

Post # 21
Member
224 posts
Helper bee

It definitely sounds like colick. It’s very hard, but you’re not alone!  25% of babies are considered colicky!  It peaks at 6-8 weeks so it’s normal you’re really at your limit right now.

If anyone can help you, be it a sitter, friend, or family member… Whoever, so you can get some sleep.

All you can really do is survive this time.  It should start to improve by 10 weeks or so and be done by 3m.  Baby will still cry, but not 24/7.

Look up colic and PURPLE crying, see if it sounds right.

Post # 22
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

emilyofnewmoon :  I know all about sleep deprivation so no need to clue me in on that.  Most mothers of newborns are experiencing varying levels of sleep deprivation. Parenting a newborn is challenging at best. I was not trying to be unsupportive to OP. However,  her referring to her baby as a diva strikes a nerve, as does talk of somehow spoiling her baby by responding to her needs.  It literally is a parents job to do so.

OP where is dad in all this? Can he take a shift so you can sleep? 

Post # 23
Member
8866 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

anondotcom :  Ohhhh…. wow, I remember that post and did not realize it was the same person. Yeah, not very promising. 🙁

Post # 24
Member
386 posts
Helper bee

angieawesome :  See I read the diva line as a call for help. That’s not a rational thing to say about one’s newborn baby for sure….but given what OP describes re only getting 30 min of sleep a night for six weeks now, I can’t imagine she is possibly feeling particularly sane at the moment.

PPD strikes in many ways, and feelign detached from your kid, even feeling antagonism toward your baby, can be very common symptoms. I had intense baby blues in the first couple weeks when my baby was born. I felt like I was giving 125% of myself to her and had nothing left at some points when she would be screaming for hours no matter what I did. If I needed to vent about that to someone, and the response I got was “this is your job,” I think that would have set me over the edge. Like, I think she knows this is her fucking job…she’s just at her breaking point. I also don’t think it’s at all relevant that other moms in this thread may have handled the newborn sleep deprivation better than the OP is doing…like what’s the point in saying that? Do you want a cookie?

I think moms need to show each other compassion and support, because this shit is HARD.

Post # 25
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

My baby was just like yours!! For the first 2 to 3 months needed to be held and also I had to be moving . Couldn’t sit down or she would cry. I was so annoyed and frustrated but I also learned you can’t spoil a newborn baby and I took that to heart. My husband and I both baby wore. I eventually trained her to sleep in a vibrating swing for naps . You are not supposed to do that according to the sleep experts but I said screw that. Anything I need to do to promote sleep and rest for both parent and baby. Also I had to cosleep in our bed at night for about 3 months because she would cry once placed in bassinet .  We’d take her out on stroller walks , used a pacifier , whatever it took. Recommend warming a swaddle blanket in the dryer or other warmer And  swaddle with that . Newborns like warmth and movement.  Honestly raising a baby was hell for me and not what I expected but we got thru it and my daughter is a pretty cool toddler now. And sooo much better . Sleeps thru the night and takes her afternoon nap like a champ. My husband stayed home with me for 4 months and helped a lot! You need some sort of help whether it be family or hired help to get u thru this challenging period.  I totally empathize with you!!

Post # 26
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

emilyofnewmoon :  not all first time mothers have a solid understanding of infant development and have unrealistic expectations of their babies which sets them up for a world of frustration. For example,  expecting a very young infant to be able to just fall asleep in their crib alone…not super realistic.  Thinking that a baby can be manipulative. Not developmentally accurate.  That is my point. I think other posters responses to this were likely responding emotionally and out of concern for the baby. No one is saying this isn’t hard, its probably the hardest job any of us will ever have! 

Post # 27
Member
386 posts
Helper bee

angieawesome :  I understand what you’re saying and it’s true, most first time mothers have no idea what they should expect. Never bad to remind people of what is developmentally normal. I think the “this is your job” line just struck a nerve with me because I can relate to the frustration OP is expressing and I know what I needed when I was at my lowest point postpartum was compassion more than anything. Clearly these types of posts strike nerves with all of us moms in different ways!

I do think what the OP describes re her baby almost never sleeping, crying all day, and needing to be held and in motion almost 24/7, is on the extreme end of the spectrum. Not unheard of or developmentally abnormal for sure but definitely on another level if that’s how her baby is all the time. My baby would occasionally have a bad day like that, but by and large she was the type that pretty much only cried when something was actually wrong (i.e. hungry, poopy diaper, tired, etc). I could put her in the bassinet from day 1, and she’d USUALLY sleep fine (she wouldn’t sleep long lol but she didn’t need to be held, which gave me a break). And I STILL struggled. 

Post # 28
Member
386 posts
Helper bee

OP, just wanted to add that it’s okay to put your baby in a safe place for 5-10 min, like her crib or bassinet, and walk away if you need the time to take a deep breath and collect yourself. Your needs matter too and your baby will be okay.

ETA: I also have friends who’ve had great success with baby chiropracty for relieving colic. Maybe ask your ped?

Post # 30
Member
8099 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

helixthecat :  I haven’t read all the comments but 6 week old babies aren’t manipulative. Shes crying because she needs you! It’s hard but hang in there – it does get easier. 

We do some aspects of attachment parenting and my daughter is a happy healthy smart 2 year old. I nursed her to sleep every night for 14 months until she decided she didn’t need it anymore. I let her breastfeed until she decided she was done at 20 months. We never let her cry it out and we never sleep trained. Just this week she was having a rough night and I rocked her to sleep in her glider because sometimes you just need your momma. She also has chores! And we don’t give in to temper tantrums! But we make sure she knows we are always here for her. 

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