(Closed) Attachment parenting vs. Baby Wise?

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

BabyWise was written by a religious radical (not a doctor) but was later revamped by the publisher by removing all the references to the bible.  It is a “spare the rod spoil the child” philosophy which has been attributed to the death of two infants, and is denounced by the American Academy of Pediatrics.  Check out the biographies of the author and co-authors.  No doctors or child psychologists among them.

There is a very small amount of good information in that book, but I found most of it to be rubbish, unfounded advice by a man with no children and no experience with children or childcare.  Infants cannot “manipulate” parents with crying.  When an infant cries it is because they have a physical need.  Toddlers are a different story, but the book makes no distinction.

I don’t think attachment parenting is the solution for every parent, but even reading the words “Baby Wise” makes me bristle.

Attachment parenting requires a lot of dedication and pretty much eradicates your personal space.  If it’s something you’re interested in, it’s worth a try, but if not maybe just stick with what your pediatrician recommends.

Post # 6
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@MissDareDevil: I used the sleep/wake/eat/wake time/sleep with DS from babywise but made a schedule that worked for us.

I would suggest not leaning to much on it though b/c like MightySapphire said he is NOT a doctor and hospitals do not react very nicely about hearing about “BabyWise”… my midwife has known parents that had cps called on them b/c of it.

Post # 8
1932 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

I’m not familiar with baby wise,  but very familiar with the Attachment Parenting book by Dr. Sears. I have to say it was one of the first parenting books where I agreed with mostly everything.

I agree with MightSapphire that the “cry it out method” is a joke, babies cry because they have a need that needs to be met, and you as a parent are wired to fulfill that need, I have heard from countless mothers that hearing their baby cry breaks their heart, esp when they try that stupid cry it out method. It’s not the way babies were designed in my mind! 

I really like the idea of baby wearing, though moreso for convenience. I know from much experience as a nanny that babies sleep better while being held and do cry less, I could do many chores or take walks with baby in sling/carrier, so I never felt restricted.

Breastfeeding is an obvious AP choice but I know circumstances are SO different for everyone that I won’t say anything on this.

Like I said above, if there is ANY parenting philosophy that irks me to no end, it’s that babies cry to manipulate parents, to annoy them or to be annoying and that is simply not true. Perhaps as a three year old, yes, but not as a child under 1 yrs old.

Post # 9
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

🙂  Glad you did some research for yourself!  A lot of people get very defensive if they liked the book and won’t look into it. 

Creating a schedule is great for babies, they thrive on routine!  But punishing an infant by witholding food…that’s just asinine.  There was a bunch of other stuff like that in there that implied that babies can understand more than “I feel hungry” which isn’t really true.  I think that the book mostly misses the mark with how a baby thinks.  Infants get impulses which make them wake, cry, or sleep.  They act mostly on impulses.  Therefore they can’t understand why mommy put them in their crib if they are crying.  They are crying because they are tired, hungry, or uncomfortable.  If you fix whatever it is, they will stop.  But just putting them in their crib to CIO isn’t going to “teach them to stop manipulating you.”  Older babies/toddlers have much higher cognitive funtions, and will learn from past experiences.

Sorry to get off on a bit of a tangent.  I think each mom develops her own style and what works for her.  We co-bedded (after researching the safe way to do so), and we did use a sling/carrier most of the time.  We did not let the baby cry all night, and I mostly Boyfriend or Best Friend on-demand.  All of that because I was willing, and because it worked for our family.  I think as you go along you will see what works best for yours.  Some families sleep much better if the baby is in a separate room.  Some don’t use carriers.  Some formula feed.  Whatever keeps the baby HEALTHY and HAPPY and works for you and daddy is all that matters.

Post # 11
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@MissDareDevil:  I’m a big believer in co-sleeping, but have relatives who prefer putting the baby in their own room nearby (after the initial first weeks, b/c it’s just exhausting to walk to another room while you’re healing). 

The biggest mistake I made was not moving one of my sons to his own room when he outgrew the co-sleeper.  I think I’ve moved into attachment parenting territory… lol.  I didn’t plan on him being with me 24/7 and it is exhausting, especially compared to his siblings (who did learn to soothe themselves to sleep in their own rooms as infants). 

I don’t let my kids cry it out, ever.  (I really dislike the idea)  I think the most important thing we can do is respond to those early cries, regardless of the source.  Routines and reassurance go a long way towards calmer, secure babies, I think.  I save crying it out for when they’re old enough to learn the concept of time-out.

(I know you didn’t ask for the info, but thought it might be interesting)


Post # 12
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

We started to leave the baby in the crib when we knew that she had learned enough that she was only crying to get picked up and back out.  That was at maybe 10 months old.  We would put her down for a nap and she would cry but be sleeping within 5 minutes.  I don’t think CIO is bad, just used at far too young an age.  I think I’ve become one of those hippy moms, LOL.

 @MissDareDevil: You said you plan to Boyfriend or Best Friend as of now, is there anything else you think you are interested in?  You said that hearing about your cousin’s friends really turned you off on attachment parenting, what are they doing that you weren’t up for?  Just trying to figure out what advice to give you, maybe point you in a direction of sorts.

Post # 14
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

We co-slept but Dirty Delete went in the crib at 6 months.  We do EC, but we don’t obsess with it.  We cloth diaper because Dirty Delete is allergic to disposables.  We used slings, but we took time to put Dirty Delete on the floor to play too.  I think that there is an extreme side to everything, and there are varying degrees to which you can dedicate yourselves as parents.  You can mix and match styles.  I think that someone crying because they missed a poo is VERY extreme.  Reminds me of a mother who kept her son’s foreskin.  It’s just too much.

Attachment parenting is not the same as obsessing over your children.  Attachment parenting means choosing to sling or carry instead of putting your baby in a stroller.  It means answering cries at night.  It doesn’t mean becoming so attached to your kids that you can’t spend a night without them or being afraid to let people babysit.  That’s just crazy.  I think that in the 80s parents were encouraged to separate themselves from their babies and now parents are being pushed to be there every moment.  There is a healthy medium.  It just takes a little trial and error to find it for yourself.

For example, my Darling Husband leered when I brought home a giant workout ball and told him that it was for bouncing with the baby.  But lo and behold, I come home and there he is with the baby in the sling bouncing on the ball while playing video games to soothe her to sleep.  🙂

Post # 16
2025 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MightySapphire: I agree with most everything you have mentioned. I am pregnant now, and have been given both books by friends, but feel like we will be more “in the middle” type parents. I don’t want my child relying on me for every.single.thing, but I also certainly don’t want their needs to go unmet. Maybe I’ll just start praying for a super easy baby. 🙂 

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