(Closed) Attended Bridal Shower But Wasn't Invited to Wedding?!

posted 7 years ago in Parties
Post # 47
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

So someone did confront her about it? Good for them. What she did is super rude.

Post # 50
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Glitch… will repost.

 

Post # 51
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

As a bride, I had to deal with this situation.  My dad is a pastor and has a congregation of 180+ (all who feel like they’ve adopted me and are part of the family), my family is huge (7 siblings and about 14 aunts and uncles), Darling Husband worked with a college ministry and had 150 ppl there, we just could not invite everyone!  There was no way we could do a wedding for 600 people (we easily could have hit that).  I didn’t want to do a wedding shower at first because the people who were invited to the wedding, all had to travel 2+ hours.  

 

 

So, my BM’s threw me 2 showers, one for my dad’s church and one for family and friends from where I grew up. When they invited everyone (most people got a personal phone call), they explained that we were having a smaller wedding, but if someone wanted to celebrate early, they were more than welcome to come to one of the showers, but they did NOT have to bring a gift!  They asked everyone to share a recipe, but that was the extent of it.   At the shower, they explained (beautifully!  They did an awesome job!) how we had to put space limitations on the actual wedding, but they wanted make sure that Darling Husband and I got to celebrate with everyone.  

 

 

I know that wedding etiquette says that you’re not supposed to do it this way, as a bride I was uncomfortable with it at first and yes,  there were 2 people who were offended.  But, everyone else completely understood and loved that they got to see me all “grown up” and how happy we were together and most of them brought gifts as well. I made sure my thank you notes from those showers were super personalized and that they realized how much it meant to have them part of our day.  It worked for us.

 

Post # 52
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Reposting… hopefully the fonts will work this time round… they seem to be either too small… or TOO BIG) for whatever reason

@Vanielle:  Thanks for the UPDATE.

Now it seems even worse… in that it sounds like she absolutely knew, and as you say needed to send out an email to “take care of business / get this out of the way” and get on with HER NEEDS.

Now that I’ve read all the other replies, I also have to agree with the other Bees who said it was BEYOND RUDE.

Knowing as she did about the Shower, and having input to the Guest List and then sending out the mass email was just more RUDE & TACKY.

I assume she even took the “cowards way out on that” (if I read your info correctly) and the email went to one and all who came to the Shower.

So infact, she did a PUBLIC DIS on all of those who were at the Shower, but now not invited to the Wedding

Yikes !!

The ONLY way she should have righted this wrong was a personal phone call as I said in my previous post… profusely apologizing… and an offer to return the gift.

Lol, from your perspective, IF I read right this drama might not be over.

You could very well be on her Wedding Invite List… and be getting one in the mail (in that everyone at the party got the massive mailing… both those invited and those not)

I can tell you that if that should happen, I’d be quick to DECLINE.  Because just of how embarrassing / poorly handled all this has been.

I’d be embarrassed for any friends that wouldn’t be included, and out of respect for them, choose not to go too.

Even if you are invited, I’d be distancing myself from this person because they don’t have your feelings at heart I am afraid… they seem to be all about themselves and “appearances”… gosh I got to say this sounds so high school cliquey.

Lol, never mind that I never addressed the whole aspect of it being a Money Shower in my first post… that just puts the icing on the cake… it was most definitely seen as a FUNDRAISER as her Honeymoon. Missionaccomplished… now everyone go back about your lives / day.

8-} *rolls eyes*

— — —

TO @Wonderstruck: Reply # 8… Agree whole heartedly !!

TO @Overjoyed:  Lol, could well be.  We’ve definitely seen that type of thing often enough here on WBee.  It always kills me when these situations come up on the ETIQUETTE BOARD… Brides asking for advice on what are the Rules of Etiquette… but then if they don’t agree / like what you have to say, they are quick to rally… “I will do as I please… Etiquette is dumb”

— — —

TO @mjwyatt84:  you said,

I have been told SEVERAL times from bees that the bride is not supposed to be “in charge of” the guest list for the shower when I have commented on other boards about giving my guest list to my Maid/Matron of Honor. THIS IS THE EXACT REASON!!! I would have been mortified if someone I didn’t plan on inviting to the wedding had been invited to the shower and I most certainly would have added them to the guest list. I find that incredibly rude and inconsiderate especially since you gave a cash gift. I stil stand by my thoughts that the bride should most certainl be the one to compile the guest list, so that things like this don’t happen!

You are correct… but it is a fine line.

The Bride may or may not be consulted on a Shower.

Consulting her, or someone “in the know” if it is a SURPRISE SHOWER is paramount for the exact reason that the OP presented.  Any potential Shower Guest List needs to be checked with an “insider” who has knowledge of the Wedding Invite List… be that the Bride, MOB, Fiance, etc.

But that is all… the fact remains that the Bride is the Honoured Guest at the Shower… NEVER the Host.

What the Bride SHALL NOT DO is dictate the event.  She should be gracious of whatever is planned for her.  So she should not say “it needs to be 30 people”… or “Do a Honeymoon themed Shower because we are short on cash… you can get everyone to chip in” etc.  She can tell the Hostess her preferences, but that is it.

The Hostess is the one who dictates the party.  And if she has good manners, then she can hold her head high as having met any obligation she may have to the Bride (MOH, Sister, whatever) and having done things right.  BUT if the Hostess has poor manners / knowledge of the Rules of Etiquette, then it is the Bride who needs to hopefully make things right in the aftermath.

This is why in my first post on this topic here, that I gave the Bride a bit more latitude… as I wasn’t clear on HOW the Guest List was developed.  Based on the UPDATE by the OP, it looks like it was a case where the Bride was in the know, and sadly, the event went ahead with the faux pas being made (and many others).

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 53
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO

View original reply
@hogoboom2012:  Sounds wonderful and FILLED WITH LOVE

As for Etiquette… you can relax.

The types of showers you are mentioning are covered by regional and cultural customs (see my first post on this topic back # 40 at the bottom of Page 1)

Your situation and the one the OP is telling us about isn’t quite the same whatsoever.  This was an intentional set of circumstances where the Bride & Host invited friends, got them to contribute to the Honeymoon Fund as a Shower Theme… and then went “ooops.. guess what we have no room day of for you on the Day of the Wedding”

Your situation, the parameters for the Guests were clearly stated upfront.  A Gift wasn’t solicitied (let alone a CA$H one) and in your case it was more of a case of a broader social get-together to wish the Bride well (or in some cases it could also be done to welcome a Bride to a new community)

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 54
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

View original reply
@This Time Round:  Yes I agree with you 100%. IF the bride is consulted about the guest list, that should be al of the input she has and should not be picky about what else happens.

Post # 55
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Vanielle:  Oh hell no. Stop payment on the check. Seriously.  these people used you, make no mistake about that. I’ll be damned if I would help pay for somebody’s honeymoon when they used me and in such a calculatrd, greedy way.

 

Post # 56
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds like high school when a girl invites everyone to her party just to get the gifts! LOL seriously I am in shock reading this. A bridal shower has the word bridal in it for a reason, and you can’t use it just to get money for a honeymoon. Honestly, it is so tasteless to ask for cash gifts to go towards the honeymoon. I feel like when I am a guest to a wedding that wedding should be paid for, and even if I decide to pay cash I don’t want to feel like i am paying for the wedding. 

Post # 57
Member
1186 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@imabridesmaid:  I agree with you totally. Sounds like the bride is a gift grabber and needs to live within her means, wedding planning or not. 

 

And- definitely decline the baby shower, if/when it happens. 

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