(Closed) Attending a Wedding you don’t believe in?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

You’re right.  It is not your place to say anything, despite what you may be feeling about it.  It’s up to you about whether you attend, but remember that you will likely have to answer questions as to why.  Boycotting their wedding will not keep them from being married, so you can either choose to celebrate with them or not attend and have to explain to them that you think they’re being irresponsible.

Post # 4
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

1: I’ve heard sevreal people talk about my future marriage and people have told it will fail because we are young. Me being 22 and him being twenty, but I know beat down in my heart that we will make it with hard work and compromise. With that said though no one has expressed not coming because they don’t support me and my fiance, but I do know what it’s like for people to think you are going to fail and personally why would someone want people their that are just going to be snickering and waiting or watching for it to fall apart. I would say don’t attend not for your benifit, but for theirs. If it’s a mistake…than it’s their mistake to make no one elses and no one except the too people getting married should  have a say in it. Just my opinion

Post # 5
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

This is a tough one. I think by attending you are supporting the marriage to a certain extent, especially since often guests are asked by the officiant to support and uphold the married couple. That in itself can be a type of vow. I guess it depends on how close the bride or groom is to you and how important that relationship is, and if you are willing in the future to help that person by giving good advice that will strengthen the marriage.

Post # 6
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I don’t think attending means you support the marriage necessarily – it can mean you support and love your friend.  Its not your job to assess the union unless you are asked.  If it isn’t a good friend, then don’t go.  But you will probably not maintain the friendship if you boycott the wedding. 

Post # 7
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I second Janna.  Whether or not you support the marriage or if you think it will fail or not, you should go out of love and support for your friend on the most important day of their life!  If you boycott it, or even mention anything to them that you don’t really support the marriage, things will not be the same between you and you friend.  If you care about the friend, go to the wedding and just act like it is a big party and enjoy yourself!  If you feel that strongly about the marraige failing, make up an excuse to skip the ceremony and just attend the reception. 

Post # 8
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I third Janna. If you care about maintaining a friendship with either the bride or the groom down the line, go.

He or she will need your support if things go south.

Post # 9
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I second HannahT’s post – which fourth’s Janna. 😀

I’ve been there – worse, I was in the wedding party.  I gave a speach about the "family" rather than the couple and just kept on smiling.  They proved me wrong – well they broke up for a bit (trial seperation) but got back together.  So you never know.

They cared enough about you to invite you, so be happy for thier happy day I guess.

Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I think, as has sort of been covered, whether you attend or don’t attend really depends.  If you consider yourself good friends with either one of the couple, and you value that friendship at all, you should attend.  (The same if you are immediate family, and you value that relationship.) After all, we love and support our friends and family whether they are doing something stupid or not – and when they do something stupid, we maybe try even harder to be there for them, as they are going to need us even more when it falls apart. 

A possible exception would be beyond stupid – there are certain people who seem to make the same mistakes over and over, and past a certain point the line between "supporting" them and "enabling" them becomes pretty thin.  You don’t have any obligation to support a friend, or even a sister, who is clearly going for the third or fourth or fifth time down the path to ruin… although you might keep in mind that even people who repeat their mistakes are often eventually redeemed, and what looks like a mistake to you might be something different altogether.

If your friend is just doing something that you personally think is ill-advised – like marrying young, or marrying someone they haven’t known for long – you might just try giving them the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe you just don’t know enough about them or their relationship to actually predict the future.  Plenty of people do things outside the norm, and end up perfectly happy.  A choice that you would not make is not necessarily a wrong one.

And if you somehow are invited to a wedding for a more distant relation (for instance, a cousin), or someone who isn’t a close friend, and you really don’t approve, I would say that you can probably make a polite excuse, send a nice card, and do something else with your time.  You really don’t have to take a stand – and in this type of case, probably nobody cares what you think anyway, so stating your opinion just makes you unnecessarily unpleasant.  But in the case where you don’t have a close relationship, and don’t approve of the marriage, the right thing to do would be to decline and hope the couple can fill your seats with someone who wishes them well.

 

Post # 11
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

I went to a wedding for a couple whose marriage I didn’t fully support (for a WHOLE long list of reasons…)

 The reason I went was basically that it was one of my best friends’ weddings, and I knew it meant a lot to her that I was there. I never said anything to her, because ultimately, it’s her mistake to make, and frankly, what do I know?  It didn’t seem like a good idea to me, and if I were in her shoes, I wouldn’t have been at the altar, but the point is it’s her life, not mine, and there’s a limit to how much judgement I can pass on a relationship I’m not in.

 I think basically it comes down to how close you are to the bride/groom, and what it would mean to them if you were there (or if you weren’t). I also think it’s a different story if you’re asked to be in the bridal party… to me, that implies a lot of support on your part. But overall I say go, celebrate, and hope you’re wrong abou the relationship.  Of course, if you think the relationship is unhealthy in a way that could be abusive, that’s a different story and I think you should speak out. 

Post # 12
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

free drinks, free food..it’s a party…try to enjoy the occasion and treat it like a party…not a wedding….and who knows, maybe they’ll last!

Post # 13
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

That’s a toughie.  If it’s a friend or relative of yours, and you haven’t expressed your concerns up until this point, then unfortunately it may be too late.  I don’t think anyone gains anything by you sitting the wedding out though.  Even if you feel like the match is a mistake, it’s not your decision to make, and the best thing to do it just grit your teeth and be supportive.  If it truly is a bad match, the parties involved will realize it sooner or later.

Post # 14
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Just remember this.  You are not responsible for other people happiness.  Therefore, whatever decision they make in regards to their future you have to respect.  I had a situation among my group of friends where the groom marries the girl who he cheated on his fiance with.  It was really awkward since we all hangout together.  In this case,  I decided to stay neutral and not attend the wedding.  Like you said it’s not your place to say anything.  If you don’t feel comfortable being there then don’t put yourself through it. 

Post # 15
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I’ve definitely been in that situation … I went to a vegas wedding and let’s just say … the guy was a convicted criminal and hardcore drug addict.  It made me so sad.  I wasn’t going to go but I was kind of guilted in to it, and it was literally the bride, groom, a friend, and myself (does that put me in the wedding party?)  They’ve since split up for the better.  Had to draw the line at signing the license though!!   No one could talk her out of it though, and I didn’t say anything.   A very sad situation. 

You don’t HAVE to go, of course, but it would probably be nice if you did.  Not everyone has similar ideas on what marriage means to them, and I do hope everything works out for the best for you and your friend. 

Post # 16
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018 - LDS Seattle Temple & Hotel 1000

One of our groomsmen is gay and brought his partner to the wedding. He is a former LDS guy who seperated badly from the church. This was one month from the election and he lives in California, and he knows that both of us and all other guests present support a proposition that I am sure he despises. They came and laughed and smiled and enjoyed themselves, even though they were surrounded by people who don’t agree with their views on life.

 It means so much to both of us that we were able to have them there. Go and support your friend.

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