(Closed) Attending SIL's graduation alone with MIL I cut off present?

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I remember your previous post! Given how stubborn your Mother-In-Law seems, I believe it’s worth trying to at least reach out to your DH’s little sister to talk to her directly about her graduation, congratulate her on finishing high school, and tell her you wish you could attend but cannot because you have to spend Mother’s Day with your mother.

If it were me, I would call your DH’s mother with no notice and politely ask to speak to his sister. If she does not allow you to, I would then say goodbye and hang up and call it another solid attempt to be the bigger person. 

 

Edited to add: It would be disrespecting yourself to spend the day with your Mother-In-Law after she overstepped her bounds by MILES with the FB photo. Don’t subject yourself to that, Bee! Enjoy the day with your Mom! 

Post # 17
Member
11359 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
kharpe6 :  since you won’t be able to do Mother’s Day another day and this is the last line before you become a mom, it would be super important to me to see my mom. My mom and I are really close, and this would be a milestone I would want to mark with her. 

While I do think there are reasons to possibly attend the graduation, it doesn’t take precedence over your own relationship with your mom. 

I know she might not get it, but I would send his sister a gift and a card, inviting her out for a nail / spa day or something to celebrate. She will be busy with her friends anyway on graduation day, and on the scale of importance, your presence with your mom for your last Mother’s Day before you start your new family is bigger to me than representing your husband for his sister who will have other family there. 

Post # 18
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Stop acting childish and go have a grown up talk with your Mother-In-Law. 

Post # 22
Member
11359 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
kharpe6 :  yes, that would be lovely! I’ll bet he would appreciate that and who knows, it could be a fun bonding time. 

Post # 23
Member
7881 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If DH feels bad about not attending himself, one of his siblings can represent him and take pics, etc. I doubt his sister is going to be devastated if neither one of you attends. It is reasonable to prioritize your own mother on Mother’s Day. 

Post # 24
Member
632 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
kharpe6 :  Send flowers or something similar with a congratulations message to your SIL who is graduating directly to her high school in the next few weeks and include in the card your regrets on not being able to attend. Include an email address or alternative way for SIL to reach out if she chooses to in the future. 

Your Mother-In-Law is verbally abusive and beyond redemption currently so don’t be convinced to subject yourself to that for 5 hours on Mother’s Day.  You need to focus on staying happy and healthy for your sanity and the baby because there is nothing you can say or do to make your Mother-In-Law a rational human human being.  Enjoy your day with your mom guilt free bee. 

Post # 25
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds like I’m going against the grain, but I think that a high school graduation is a once-in-a-lifetime event, whereas Mother’s Day happens every year. Personally I would prioritize the graduation over Mother’s Day, and I’m VERY close with my mother. Is there not a way to both attend the graduation and spend time with your mom?

Post # 26
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Honestly this is tricky but as a mom in my opinlife on Mother’s Day does not trump a graduation.  There is nothing special about celebrating a mothers daybefore you become a mom yourself either.  A graduation even if it’s just high school however is a big and unique milestone.  This is something that is clearly important to both yoUr husband and your SIL.  I could understand your point of view if he was available and wanted you to go but let’s face it, once married You are his representative as he is yours.  That’s why another sibling can’t go on his behalf.  I think in his situation you need to be an adult and do what’s right Whig is go to the graduation.  Now clearly you don’t need be cozy and mushy with your Mother-In-Law, he’ll don’t even sit together.  But be present, congratulate your SIL and present a gift if that’s part of the gig and then leave.  By doing this you are being the bigger person and showing everyone that you won’t compromise your morals or hurt others (who have nothing to do with this) because of your vindictive Mother-In-Law.  

If however your SIL is mean towards you I would not do any of this and visit your own mother.

Post # 28
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

To be honest, nobody else should be having to be affected by the fact that you and your Mother-In-Law don’t get along–your SIL included. It’s entirely between you and your Mother-In-Law, if either of you can’t put aside your gruff with each other to support mutual friends and family, then that’s on you both.

That being said, I would reach out to your SIL because you clearly want to spend the day with your mother, and that’s entirely understandable. Mother’s day is important, and I’m sure she’d understand as well. What I would never do is bring up the fact that there’s tension between your Mother-In-Law and you and cite it as the reason for not attending, that’s just going to make her feel inferior. 

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