(Closed) Attention all attention hogs!

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
6245 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

Are you giving her your full attention when you two are together?  If so, then I agree, it’s healthy to spend some time apart.  But if you want to play video games during your time with her and she doesn’t like video games, well then that’s not really you giving her the attention she warned you she needs.

Have you sat down and discussed this with her?  Maybe you could explain that it’s healthy for couples to spend time with others… and that it often makes you cherish the time you two do get to spend together.

Post # 4
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Hmm.. that’s a tough one for sure.

I absolutely do NOT think it’s wrong of you to wany some “you time”. In fact, I think it’s extremely healthy for the relationship. Fiance and I spend a lot of time together, but if either one of us gets invited to go do something (few and far between since we moved to a brand new state/city in June and are still meeting people), the other is completely supportive in saying “GO HAVE FUN!”

Even better, I have a son from my previous relationship, and my Fiance never hesitates to shoo me out with some girl friends while he stays home and plays with kiddo.

The absence makes the heart grow fonder is so true… and it also improves your mental health!

I will always say that relationships are work.. hard work. They are worth every second of it, but they do NOT come easy. If they did, we wouldn’t care about making good impressions.

I see why you would think the “needy” deal is getting not so cute anymore. I personally would be put off because I’ve never been needy, nor have I dealt well with guys who were. *Shudder*.

BUT… it seems like you really love and care about her. My suggestion is to sit down again and try talking with her in a calm and adult manner. Something like, “You know I love you, and yes, I want to be around you as much as you want me around. I do think that having time with our friends and family on our own is extremely important too though. In order for this relationship to be as happy and healthy as possible for us, we need to spend time with other people who are important to us, too.”

If she comes back with a snide comment of how you don’t really want to spend time with her, or just gets defensive and says “FINE THEN”, I suppose it would be time to reevaluate your approach. If she is unwilling to let you out of the house, it’s almost like being a prisoner in a relationship (Been through it) and it leads to resentment and hurt like no other. You can’t lose yourself and your life for another person… it’s not right.

Whatever you do, good luck!

Post # 5
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

It’s unhealty for a couple to be together 24/7. My Fi and I went through a really rough time cause we saw each other every day.

Talk to her, maybe tell her a story about someone you know whose relationship ended cause they spent all their time together. Tell her you love her and like to be with her but you start to feel the need to have some time of your own and don’t want to end up like that friend you mentioned. This is a lifetime commitment, the same way she likes your attencion you like your time alone and if you don’t reach a middle point you won’t make it.

Post # 6
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Honestly, I’d bring it up during a non-fight with a line like, “I notice that when we do argue, it tends to be about the time and attention I give you.” And then ask her how much time per day/week she feels should be dedicated, quality, one-on-one time and go from there. She needs to understand that not everyone wants to be with someone ALL THE TIME. I certainly don’t. She needs to learn how to be independent and enjoy her own company too.

I was going to suggest you buy her a book and tell her to get a hobby, but something tells me that won’t go over the greatest.

Post # 7
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My Fiance also likes to have his own time, which upsets me if I was realy looking forward to  our time together.  

We have found that by scheduling and discussing what we want to do, we fight less. In the morning he’ll say something like, “you know I’ve been thinking I haven’t sat down with my guitar in a long time, maybe I’ll do that tonight” and then I won’t spend all day thinking about what I’d like to do with him that night because I know he is going to want to be alone in the bedroom with his guitar.

As long as I don’t feel rejected or that he doesn’t want to spend time with me, I don’t get upset. But it works both ways. I have to be able to say “hey, tonight I want to this” and then he can’t blow me off to play a video game.

Communication is key.

However, another thought I have on this is about how she did preface the whole relationship with this being a big requirement for her. Its pretty unfair for you to have agreed to it then, but now you’re taking it back.  Let me put this in man terms for you.  Say on the first date you told her you needed lots of sex and blow jobs every day and thats just how you were and she was like, oh, sure no problem. But then she decided that that was suddenly not so cool any more. How would that have gone over?

Best of luck. 🙂

Post # 8
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
@Elliemae27: “and then I won’t spend all day thinking about what I’d like to do with him that night because I know he is going to want to be alone in the bedroom with his guitar” THIS.

Calmly sit her down and tell her that you know that she has been feeling neglected lately and that you are sorry and want to fix it. But also explain that for you to be a better SO you need your own “me” time to recharge so that when you are together she has your full attention. 

Then if you are planning on spending some “me” time, give her a heads up so that she doesn’t spend the whole day thinking about the time you’ll spend together. It’s disappointing to come home thinking you’ll watch a movie together when all you want to do is surf the internet.

Schedule “me” and “us” time if you have to, whatever is needed so that both of you feel that your needs are met. 

Good luck! I hope things work out well, come back and let us know. 

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