(Closed) Attention Bees my cousin is not picking the same wedding date

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee

Yes! Well, let me ask you this…why did she decide to push it back again?

Post # 4
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

If she wants to and if you forgive her ;).

Post # 6
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Oh I’m so glad to hear that! That was a completely unfair and awful situation you were going to be put in. As for MoH…. hmmm. Tricky. How has she reacted to changing her date? Has she made it explicit that she did it for your benefit? Has she apologized for almost picking your date in the first place? I’d say if her attitude is good and she is apologetic and really sincerely understands that she was in the wrong, then yes keep her as MoH. If, on the other hand, she’s acting like she’s doing you some huge favor and is carrying a grudge or giving you some attitude about it, then forget it. If she’s got a bad attitude or resentment, it might carry over into her shirking MoH responsibilities and just generally not being there for you when you need her to be. You want your MoH to be someone who is 100% there for you and supportive of you.

Post # 7
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

why is there still an issue! you got lucky! 🙂 she changed her date, don’t ruin your relationship. Maybe she was just blind to certain things before and has no realized her mistake. Don’t make it a big deal… keep her in your wedding as your Maid/Matron of Honor and be in hers and support each other!

Congrats!

Post # 8
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

OK, I just read your last post. It sounds like she’s sorry and is excited for both of your weddings. From what you’ve said it seems the two of you are close and if she considers you a sister and would be hurt if you didn’t, I say forgive her. Family is family, and sometimes we have to forgive and forget. I think ultimately you will both be happy being there for each other and sharing in each other’s day.

Post # 9
Member
997 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010 - The Pierre Hotel

Yay, I’m glad everything worked out for you!  I’d say if you still wish her to be a bridesmaid, there’s certainly no harm!  If you’d rather not though, it might be better to not ask her rather than strain your relationship. 

Post # 10
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

If it were up to me sounds like she wants to stay close to you and you have your wedding and she have her wedding; take the peace offering like it was intended, she’s your family, how can you not be there for each other? It’s sweet that she want to be at your wedding and wants you to be at hers; just be prepared you won’t have her full concentration as she is planning her own

 

aw I love families who love each other and try to make it work

Post # 11
Member
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Yay! I’m so glad this was resolved.

I would definitely keep her as Bridesmaid or Best Man because the conflict has been resolved. She had a change of heart & realized how awful it would be if you had your weddings back to back (or on the same day). She’s trying to repair the damage she has done– so let her know you’re good & start planning your weddings 🙂

Post # 12
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

If it were me, I’d agree to be in her wedding & her to be a bridesmaid in mine. But I don’t think you should give her back the Maid/Matron of Honor position. It’s a HUGE responsibility and the main part of being a Maid/Matron of Honor is being there for the bride (which she failed miserably at the first time).

Gently tell her that, after the wedding date "confusion" (I choose that word to be nice), you asked someone else to fill the role & they would be hurt if you took it away. It’s a "move your feet, loose your seat" situtation.

Good luck & I’m glad it worked out this way. Isn’t it funny that, after having a huge freak-out about something, it always ends up working out in the end?

Post # 13
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee

I  am so happy for you!  If it will make you happy, be in hers and keep her as your Maid/Matron of Honor.

Post # 14
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

She made a concession to avoid hurting your friendship. You should definitely keep her in your Wedding Party to return the gesture of friendship. If you already asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor, then she stays Maid/Matron of Honor. (You can always have two, if necessary). If not, you can have her be a regular Bridesmaid or Best Man.

Post # 15
Member
815 posts
Busy bee

Yeah!  So happy that worked out for you!  If you forgive her, then definately be in her wedding.  Would she even want to be Maid/Matron of Honor though?  Or would she be happier being a Bridesmaid or Best Man instead because of her wedding?

Post # 16
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I know it’s tempting to say, "Oh, when you said you were getting married on the same day, I went ahead and picked a replacement Maid/Matron of Honor — so sorry!"…but I would advise keeping that in the realm of fantasy. It sounds as though she temporarily lost her mind and has now (with some assistance) regained her sanity. Put it another way — she’s acting the way you want her to. When people act the way I want them to, I try to reward them. I think this is a situation that calls for a reward.

That having been said, I think you’re well within your rights to sit her down, tell her that you’re going to be expecting some significant help from her (nothing outrageous, mind you), and while you will totally understand if she wants to drop down to "wedding guest" and focus on her own wedding, if she decides to go ahead as Maid/Matron of Honor, she’s going to need to be committed to the role. No last-minute cancellations of dress-shopping appointments for anything less than a medical or other emergency, no dragging her feet on helping to plan the bachelorette party…you get the idea. You could couch it as this being the perfect way for her to learn what to do and what not to do for her own wedding, and offer to compare notes with her after your wedding in preparation for the role switch at her wedding, but this will not be a situation where she just shows up at your wedding in a matchy dress. You don’t want to get in a situation where she commits to being your Maid/Matron of Honor and then starts flaking out because planning for her own wedding is overwhelming her life. If she’s smart, she will go about being a kick-ass Maid/Matron of Honor and thus totally mend her relationship with you, OR she’ll back out if she feels she’s not up to the job.

(Note: One of my MOHs is pretty much just showing up in a matchy dress on my wedding day, but she’s also been a stalwart friend who was a wonderful bride back in her day, plus she lives thousands of miles away. When you have to deal with MOH-related drama, I think you should be able to count on a certain level of help if you decide to keep the Maid/Matron of Honor around. YMMV.)  

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