Post # 1
My Maid/Matron of Honor is my best friend to the point that we are more like sisters. She drives me absolutely crazy sometimes and I do her, but we know it and love each other beyond that. I was the Maid/Matron of Honor at her wedding in May 2012, and when I got engaged last month, I asked her to be mine immediately. We set the date immediately due to the fact that we want an outdoor wedding/ reception in Mid-Michigan and options get snatched up pretty quickly. We have the date set for May 25, 2014 and my Maid/Matron of Honor had made mention back in May that she is going to go off birth control, and has made it known to anyone and everyone that she is trying to get pregnant. Currently, if she is to concieve within the next two months, she will not be able to hardly even attend my wedding (We live in Orlando, Fl and flying would probably not be an option; and I am sure that a 20 or so hour drive during the holiday weekend wouldn’t be an option either).
Everything that I mention to her regarding my wedding (and anything else) is responded with “I may be pregnant by then.” I’m so sick of hearing that (as is everyone else), that I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m happy for her to want to have a baby, but also feel that I deserve the same special things that I did for her (and we have done for all of our friends) – Two bachelorette parties, a shower, overly involved in all aspects of the wedding (including on the day of). I don’t even need her to do all of this for me, I just want her to at least be there to support me and I feel already that she won’t be if she is pregnant. I feel horribly guilty that I’m having these feelings, but she is already giving me issues (she can’t fly for free – her husband works for an airline during the holiday weekend, she wants to wear long dresses, she is saving money for baby so doesn’t want to go away for a bachelorette party). I just feel like my time to be a bride and enjoy this time and planning is being compromised by her. I also understand that people will say that I have lots of time to plan, but the fact is that in a month I start a new job two hours away that will encompass my life completely for 60+ hours a week and I will be traveling home every weekend. I’m just trying to get ahead of the game, but I don’t want to have to keep waiting on everything because she is TTC…Especially, when the only reason it seems that she wants to is because people around us are having babies, her husband is really pushing it, and needs something to focus her attention on. How do I go about this situation from here on out? At what point do I start going about my normal things without her always pushing this “if” on me? I feel so bad that I feel this way, but it is rubbed in my face every time I have any contact with her!
Post # 3
@jll10: If you want someone to focus on you completely between now and your wedding date, then ask her to step down and tell her why. Just be aware that when you tell her why, it will be the end of your friendship.
Look, you should never do things for people expecting that you’ll get something in return. She got married, her husband wants her to have a baby and that right now is on the top of her list of priorities. You have the information you need to make a decision, but you have no right to ask or expect for her to put her life on hold because you’re getting married and want to be the center of attention. Look at it this way, you’re accusing her of being attention seeking, but you too are seeking attention.
The bulk of the wedding work is on you anyway, so I’m not sure what you want her to do, but nothing between now and next year really needs to involve her. If you want to get ahead of the game, go for it! You don’t need her to do it.
Post # 4
She’s adjusting your expectations when she says “I could be pregnant by then”: you should be greatful! I don’t understand what your ideal outcome here is? She’s not going to put her TTC plans on hold a YEAR for a wedding. I don’t know if you realise this but you’re really belittling her reproductive choice. I think you need to take a breath & realise that the world doesn’t revolve around your wedding.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Try to put yourself in her shoes. She’s been tasked with Maid/Matron of Honor duties and your have VERY high expectations. But she’s also TTC, and that can be a very mentally and emotionally consuming time. And if she succeeds, she will suddenly have the ginormous responsibility of being responsible for another human life. Trust me when I say that NOTHING puts life into perspective as much as pregnancy and new parenthood do. If you want to keep your friendship, you are going to have to adjust your expectations. She’s right. And while she may be annoying you with it, every time she reminds you of her (hopeful) pregnancy status, she is implicitly asking you to understand that she may not be able to perform as you expect her to. Things have changed. You can either roll with it and be happy for her, or fight the change and be upset. What do you choose?
Post # 6
@jll10: “Especially, when the only reason it seems that she wants to is because people around us are having babies, her husband is really pushing it, and needs something to focus her attention on.”
*That* is pretty insulting. Let her know you feel that way, and the problem will solve itself.
Post # 7
Speaking as somone whose best man is pregnant and his wife’s due date is our wedding day (and might not make it due to her being in labor)? That sucks.
But it isn’t fair to hold it against her. This is one day in your life. For her this is a life that will hopefully outlast you. If you don’t think she can commit to this, talk to her and explain that. You need to see if a) she is willing to hold off for 2 months for you or b) if she’ll step down and let someone else take over the MoH duties.
Just know that no matter what you do, you’re going to sound selfish. I’m not saying you are, but this day is only that important to you and your fiance. For everyone else, they’re happy but it isn’t the center of their lives. Just remember that.
(My FI’s grandmother and great aunt might die, his aunt is in the hospital and his best man’s wife is due on our wedding date…I REALLY want to yell “what about us?!” but I realize how self centered it would sound. What about us? Good for us, but no one cares as much as we do.)
Post # 8
@jll10: One of my BMs told me she was starting to TTC shortly after I got engaged. I went ahead with all the planning that I could do, and told her that we’d hold off dress shopping until later. Other than her dress, what are you waiting on doing??
You have a while to wait and see if she does conceive, so maybe you should just wait until she does, and then find out from her if she still wants to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. She may want to step down because she will also have a lot going on. You can’t be upset with her because she isn’t going to put her life on hold for a year so she can be your not-preggo Maid/Matron of Honor…that’s just ridiculous.
@badabing88: +1…yes, if my best friend said that to me, she would be my former best friend…
Post # 9
@jll10: You don’t need her to help plan your wedding. The bachelorette party and bridal shower are usually quite close to the wedding date. So carry on planning your wedding (mainly without her) and see what happens.
If she does get pregnant, and you want an expensive bachelorette party which she can’t or won’t attend, then ask some of your other friends to plan it. Because it sounds like you have a group of friends who have done this for other weddings.
I agree with other posters, that you can’t expect her to delay getting pregnant.
Post # 10
- Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center
My Maid/Matron of Honor is pregnant. I knew she wanted to get pregnant when we got engaged. I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor anyway because she’s my best friend/cousin, I was her Maid/Matron of Honor, and at the end of the day I want her standing beside me at my wedding and holding up my dress if I gotta pee.
That said, you knew what you were getting into. I understand how annoying it might be with her saying ‘I might be pregnant by then’ to everything, but you have to understand she’s probably excited about TTC. You should be excited for her, too. It doesn’t matter what everyone in your friends did for their weddings and for their friends’ weddings, it’s not about that. It’s about having the people you care about with you on your big day. The end.
If the material events are more important to you, then ask her to step down. But think about this – as much as she says she could be pregnant by then, she also could NOT. You can’t ask her at the last minute to be the Maid/Matron of Honor if she’s not pregnant, so make up your mind now before you ruin your friendship by approaching this subject.
Post # 11
You can’t expect your friend to put her life on hold for a year just so you can have two bachelorette parties. It sucks that you put a lot of time and effort into her wedding events and may not see that effort returned, but in the end that’s life. Your wedding is over ten months away — try not to get wrapped up in these details now. If she does happen to become pregnant, hopefully other family/friends will step up and host pre-wedding parties for you.
Post # 12
You need to just roll with the punches. Two of my threee bridesmaids (including myy MOH) were TTC from about a year out from my weddings date and so we knew that there might be a risk one of them might not be able to make it. Turns out the both deliviered a couple months before the wedding. Still some last minute alterations and dealing with nursing, but we’ll manage. One way or another this will work out and it does no good whatsoever to stress about it. Just wait and see when she gets pregnant and plan from there. And be understanding if she doesn’t want to be super involved or plan elaborate events. Tit for tat doesn’t really work. She’ll do what she can, but it doesn’t do any good for you to get all in a huff. Just try to enjoy what she is able to do and don’t pressure her to do more. Only take on what you can do yourself (and your fiance) so you don’t have to rely on her for things, in case she is unable to help. Above all, just try to be a gracious friend.
Post # 14
What everyone else said. It is completely unreasonable to expect anyone to put their life on hold for someone else’s wedding.
Post # 15
@MrsRugbee: @badabing88: +1
I’m finding to really hard to sympathise with you. What’s the saying I always see on the bee – “no one will care about your wedding day as much as you and your Fiance.” You should be over the moon your friend is TTC and is getting ready for motherhood, not feeling bitter. Either keep it to yourself or be prepared to lose a friend. You also should probably stop insinuating she’s being an attention seeker for contemplating starting a family.
Post # 16
It is really not fair of you to ask someone to put their life on hold for your wedding. I am TTC now and let me tell you it takes up a lot of time and energy. At least for me because I can’t stop thnking about it and hoping. She probably can’t stop talking about it because she is just so excited. It sounds like you don’t think she wants to be TTC and is being pushed into it, but you don’t really know that. It sounds to me like she needs just as much support from you as you expect her to give you. Why don’t you take a second to think about her life decision and how she is feeling instead of focusing on how it will affect you.