(Closed) Attn: Mothers of Toddlers & Older help me with something PLEASE

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Um, my kiddos are 8 and turning-5-this-month, and they STILL get into bed with Fiance and I sometimes! So I’m probably not the poster child for keeping toddlers in their own beds. ๐Ÿ™‚ And I stopped letting my kids see me in the shower when they started asking, um, “questions,” which was around 5 years for my daughter, 4 1/2 for my son.

Listen, you know your Fiance and his feelings deep down for your daughter, so I don’t want to be the outsider who sounds really harsh, but I would not be pleased if my Fiance was that impatient with my kiddos. In fact, he’s more patient than I am sometimes!! We balance each other out, happily, but even though Fiance doesn’t have kids of his own, he has reasonable expectations for their behavior. That’s not to say we give them permission to be brats–on the contrary, we do expect them to behave and have good manners, but I also know what is genuine misbehavior versus what’s “growing pains,” as I like to call them. I expect a lot out of my kids but I also know that sometimes, they’re going to be kids!!

Anyway, I digress. I believe you when you say she’s incredibly well-behaved…sounds like my daughter at that age. Based ONLY on what you said in your post, it sounds like your Fiance needs a reality check about toddler behavior, and the sooner the better. You’re her mom and YOU, more than anyone else, knows what she needs and what’s good for her.

Post # 6
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Many children her age want to get in bed with their parents. That is not unique to her and he shouldn’t be so hard on her for that, though personally, I don’t allow our daughter in the bed with us because I just don’t want her to get in the habit. I prefer for her to remain in her bed and let us have ours to ourselves. And although you say he’s great with her, and I’m sure he is, I’m so puzzled why he would say the reason he doesn’t want kids with you is because he’d have to spend 2 hours twice a month away from them to pick up your daughter? That just makes NO SENSE and frankly, I think it’s putting quite a burden on her. If he doesn’t want them, that’s his choice, but it’s unfair to pin it on a 3 year old. If I were you, that would make me angry; not for the fact that you’re not having any kids, but that he’s saying you’re not having any kids because of your daughter! That’s just… ridiculous!

That being said, he is probably harder on her than you are simply because he’s not her parent and although some people are great step-parents, they just will never love your kids as much as YOU do, and because she is not “his,” I’m sure it’s harder for him to brush off small things that would never annoy you, or to overlook less-than-perfect behavior. That is something he will just have to work on, and it will take work, because unlike a natural parent, that love is not inborn and instinctual- it takes real effort to love another person’s child like they are your own.

And my sister and I sat in the bathroom and talked to our mom every evening for the longest time when she came home from work, because the first thing she liked to do was soak in the tub. That was when we sat down and caught up on our days. To be honest, THAT is not any of his business. If it were a boy, I could see be weirded out, but your daughter is not having any harm done to her by spending time with you in the shower or tub or in the bathroom, and if it’s not bothering you, I think he should butt out. 

Post # 7
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

I can’t speak from experience, but here are my two cents on your questions, if I put myself in your shoes ๐Ÿ™‚

1 – No not at all. I don’t know if I would want my kids sleeping in bed with me, but I am not a mommy yet either,  a lot changes! I don’t have memories of ever sleeping in my parents’ bed so by the age of 5-7 I know I wasn’t, but that’s not to say I didn’t every single night when I was 3. Do you think maybe your Fiance wants more “alone” time with you in bed?? But — I do think in her situation and the inconsistency her father has shown her, she probably does see your bed as a safe, comfortable place to be in!

2 – Heck no! I remember accidentally seeing my dad’s penis one time (LOL, that feels so weird to type) and asked about it so that was the end of that! But I had to have been older since I remember it, and I definitely remember taking showers w/ mom, so I don’t see any reason that should be a no-no. The bathroom is probably a safe place for her too because she knows she can be with you uninterrupted.

3 – This is tough, esp. since he has no experience or children of his own. It seems like he doesn’t understand the maturity levels children go through. I absolutely agree w/ tarheelgrad98’s  last paragraph!!! Unfortunately, it might just be a matter of the “waiting game” for her to get older and him to finally figure it out. When someone has it ingrained in their mind that much that a child should act a certain way, I’m sure it’s hard to get them to believe otherwise :/

 

Post # 9
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

She’s told old to sleep in the bed with you. It’s not good for her development and her ability to self soothe.  She must begin to learn to be independant. Studies have proven that children that are too attached then have a hard time being alone and it will efffect their adult relationships for their entire lives.

Now with that said, the rest of it is crap. She’s 3. Going to the bathroom with you or taking a shower with you is normal.  There’s nothing you can do to make him understand she’s a toddler. He knows this. You are probably just going to have to deal with it, but if you think it’s abusive that’s another story. 

Darling Husband has a 3 year old son and so I understand his side of it. Even though I love my bonus son (have been around since he was baby) I see my Darling Husband “baby” him as well. Some of the things he does are bad for him, but he feels different about it because it is his son. Please don’t get me wrong, I view my bonus son as my own, but there is still that line that makes us handle things differently when it comes to him.

Post # 12
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@mwitter80:

Oh, precisely. FH’s son is going to be 13 in June and FH still CUTS HIS MEAT FOR HIM SOMETIMES. Like, for crying out loud, he’s 13, tell him to cut his own meat! However, I bite my tongue. It’s much easier for me to see these things than him, and far be it from me to tell someone how to raise their child. This is where I think OP’s SO is stepping over boundaries; he’s telling her how to raise HER child. Step-parents get some input- they don’t get equal say. He needs to let her parent how she sees fit because she is the little girl’s mom- not him. She knows best.

OP, I applaud your restraint, because I DON’T think your Fiance is a bad guy (just ignorant when it comes to kids, which is to be expected when you don’t have your own) but some of the stuff he does, I’d have popped off by now if a man tried to tell me about MY daughter!

Post # 13
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My daughter just turned two and she still sleeps in our bed. It’s a personal choice and Fiance is actually the one who is against moving her to her own bed. He works long hours and likes to cuddle with his little girl. She does nap like a champ in her crib and is extremely independent. She still goes in the bathroom with me and actually showers with both of us a few times a week. I see being naked as natural and normal and when she’s old enough for any of us to feel uncomfortable we’ll stop. Fiance definitely has issues with her tantrums and also seems to expect her to stop crying immediately and has some unrealistic expectations for a toddler. I think men aren’t as patient as we are. I think your little girl is perfectly normal and your Fiance needs to be a bit more understanding. I also slept in my mom’s bed till I was 3 or so and then crawled in bed after having nightmares probably till I was 10, lol. I never had an unhealthy attachment to her and I’m very independent and have normal relationships.

Post # 14
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

THere are studies BOTH ways showing positive and negitive sides of sleeping together. They say as PP said it can stop self soothing, but others say it makes them feel more independant because they know you will be there if they need you. I think it depends on your parenting style, and really there is no way to know and it wont make it so your college student doesnt go out of town cuz he has to sleep with mommy. Saying that, I would move her because it is causing issues with your Fiance. You two need time alone, and you need to show him you are putting him as a priority. Also maybe he just wants to to be heard and have you actually accept him as a dad. If you veto ALL his ideas then your really saying yor her parent and he is not. Guys are more about actions. (BTW my daughter still sleeps with us on occasion and my younger son REFUSES… ๐Ÿ™ FH likes the little cuddle and later puts her in her bed.)

As of making her stop on command, she still has low impluse control and high emotions. Wait until puberty! lol… I think when they are throwing fit to throw fits to get their way (yes, some do) I am a little impatient about and she gets alone time. Not time out, but my daughter (3 yrs also) gets overwelmed and cant stop crying when she starts sometimes. Alone time in her room, and she can come out when she is done or needs a hug to talk. WHen she is upset for a reason I talk calmly and give her options, if she doesnt stop I am NOT going to expect her to right away. THey need to calm down before they can feel okay again.

Will car speak help? I explained it to my Fiance that its like my ADHD. Their emotions and thoughts are like a ferrari motor and model T breaks. It means they can go a 100 miles an hour, but dont have great stopping power.

Bathroom, well, I am no help. My Daughter asks questions at 3 and I still let her. SHe is the most stubborn to potty train little girl, so my Dr told me to let her see how its done and put her potty next to mine. WOrks, but only when I have to go… she is VERY stubborn. lol

WHen it comes to baths I have to bathe because I am VERY short and have two kids 3 yrs and 1 yr. I just plop us all in and wash up. FH works 6 days a week and is never home for bath time so its whats best for us. Infact FH will bath with them too, but only with shorts on. He likes to splash and use bath crayons with the kids and got annoyed of cleaning out side the tub.

 

SOrry so long, but here are my 2 cents.

Post # 15
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

SOrry… just read the nightmere comment… Is she in her own bed? WHen FH is on earlymorning schedual and might wake my daughter up I take her to her bed and sleep if she is upset. But we also have a twin bed. I would just try to seeif it is REAL nightmeres cuz I just found out mine was faking it… lol… I still lay and sleep with her though.

Post # 16
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@emersynsmommy35: I am 2 credits away from my doctorate in psychology. So yes they will tell you that ๐Ÿ™‚

I will also say that having negative feelings towards her father and now having issues with the other male role in her life (FI), may lead to issues with men. Also known as “daddy issues” Allowing her to sleep in the bed with you and stay with you at all times, may eventually lead to developing certain patterns that young women of divorced parents can have. Usually this type of behaivor will lead to women who can not be alone and will continue to stay in unhealthy relationships and jump from one man to another never discovering themselves.

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