- 6 years ago
Print this post and have your Fiance read it. See how he feels then.
Print this post and have your Fiance read it. See how he feels then.
@CakeyP: +1 to the idea that counseling should be something you should try.
Your update broke my heart for your Fiance, honestly. I’m sorry, I don’t think you are a bad person or anything however, I can’t help thinking that no one who is truly in love should have to hear “I’m not ‘in love’ with you and I don’t know that I ever will be”.
I think that for the sake of this man who has sacrificed so much without a word of complaint (postponing marriage, hearing from you should try counseling.
@whatdoido: Well, you’re definitely wrong about what counseling is for. I didn’t say I thought you needed to go to a shrink/psychiatrist and get yourselves some meds. That’s not at all what counseling is about. I do think that if you went to counseling alone that it would do you a world of good – people figure out why they do/think/act/feel a certain way and how to change it, if that’s what they’d like to do.
I understand you love your Fiance and that you think he’s a catch and that sometimes you have your moments where you have negative feelings towards the same characteristics that you love about him. However, I was felt like you did – like marriage was stupid and crazy and if you think about it, how are you supposed to know in the first 1/4-1/3 of your life who you want to spend the rest of your life with every day? I used to think that it would be much better if we all signed leases with each other instead of got married, sort of like a car or an apartment – every few days (2? 3? 5?) you decide whether you want to renew the lease or whether you want to cancel the lease and go for someone else. And I never met a man who made me want to take his name. I never felt that way about anyone before – why should I take his name, who is he that I would change my name to his and not the other way around?
But that was BEFORE – before I met my Fiance, before I stopped “loving” and started falling “in love” – before I realized that it is possible to feel this way about someone and to just KNOW that it’s right, even if it’s not easy or perfect, but the awesomeness is so awesome that it may as well be perfect.
I don’t think you’re in love with your Fiance (or his brother for that matter). And I do think it’s possible for YOU to be in love with someone. I really think you’re selling yourself short by staying in this relationship. I think you’re afraid to let this go because it’s “good” for the chance of having something “great” and risk ending up alone or with something terrible. But if you’re not in love, then I’m sorry, but that’s awful – you’re settling not because your Fiance isn’t a great man, but because you’re not giving yourself the chance to find the person who makes you feel like you should feel when you’re right the person you should be with. If you read what you write, all your posts about why you should stay with him are about why he’s good for you, how he loves you, how his family loves you, how your friends/family love him, etc. And then a bit about how he can give you a good life. There is nothing there about how he makes you feel.
The reason you’re having feelings for his brother is not because his brother is a better version of your Fiance. Maybe it’s because he’s a smart, attractive male that you’ve been spending a lot of time with lately and been connecting with. But mainly it’s because something is lacking from your relationship with your Fiance and that’s because the relationship isn’t right.
I don’t see there being a happy ending to this relationship and I may be and hope I am entirely wrong – maybe one day you will wake up and realize you are in love with your Fiance, this was just a silly forbidden-fruit-meet-cold-feet-from-wedding thing. I hope that’s the case for you two and then the two of you could live happily ever after. I just can’t see it as long as you continue to think/feel the way you do and try to deny that there is anything wrong with your relationship. You have to realize first that there is something wrong and then figure out how to fix it. I promise you, right now, it isn’t right.
@whatdoido: just break up with your fiancé. No woman who truly loves her fiancé would say the things that you have said about him. You say you wouldn’t put up with him like he puts up with you, so why on earth would you stay? Why would you do that to him? He deserves way better than you. I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but you have said some pretty awful things-honest yes, but also terrible. You are going to bring this man down and prevent him from enjoying the life he should have. he doesn’t want to leave right now, because he loves you, but I hope he comes to his senses and realizes what he deserves.
Your Fiance needs to move on to a woman he loves him and actually wants to be with him. Did you ever think the reason why he puts up with your …. “Behaviors” is because he’s settling just as much as you feel like you’re settling?
I know I’m late to the discussion, but I’ve been reading all of this and really wanted to put in my two cents.
OP, if you’re reading this, I wanted to say I think you’re BOTH in the wrong. You already know your part, as six pages of comments have told you over and over again so I’m not going to add anything more about that.
I can see why you have zero respect for him. You tell him all of your dirty secrets and he’s just hunky dorey as long as he has his “trophy wife”, what? Did people skimp over this part?
This isn’t coming from a place of fear to me, more like greed on his part. You have no respect for him because he won’t challenge you or stand up for himself about anything. From your posts, it sounds like he compromises himself on a regular basis about everything. Going out on a limb here and guessing you’re attracted to the brother because he’s something you can’t have, for once in your life you’re being challenged.
You want an equal, and I get that. I think you two could work it out ONLY IF you speak to an outside source(paid or not) and be honest about what you really want in life.
Be honest. Could you see yourself with him if he had a “polite spine”? Stood up for things that are important to him, asserted himself in a gentlemanly way?
To be frank, I wouldn’t date someone like this. I don’t want a man to move heaven and earth for me, compromising his own desires or his dignity just to make me happy. That isn’t a fair relationship for both parties. Love is a give and take and it would downright annoy me if a man put me on a pedestal like that because I’m not a prize, I’m a partner with the same value he has.
Sorry, this is completely the opposite of the other posts, but I couldn’t take it anymore. He’s not some perfect guy. You’re not some horrid monster. I hope you both can find happiness, no matter what becomes of this mess.
whatdoido , I’m truly sorry about the situation you find yourself in. Having a crush on another man when we are already involved in a serious relationship is no fun but what I’ve found from experience (I’m 55 years old and have been in several relationships) is that when we develop feelings for another man than the one we are with is an indication that we are not soooooo in love with the man we are sharing our life with. Yes, you may think your Fiance is great and there is no way you would get involved with his brother, but believe me, you having such strong feelings for his brother should really make you think about your true feelings for your Fiance. At this very moment, its his brother that you have feelings for, but eventually it will be someone else. I’m truly sorry if what I say sounds harsh and it may not be what you want to hear, but you asked for help so the best advice I can give you and from my own experience at being in a very similar situation as you are in is don’t plan a wedding and instead live on your own for awhile and really figure out if you are truly in love with your FI and if you really feel this is the man you want to marry and be with for the rest of your life or if you are with him now because you don’t want to be alone, because you’ve been with him for so long that you feel it would be a waste to let him go now, etc. etc. One way or the other, it would be better for you to do some deep soul searching now while you are still single than later when you have committed yourself to this man.
I truly feel sorry for you and I know its no fun at all whats happening to you, but there’s always a reason why things happen.
Although this is real juicy…..its LUST! Dont make decisions off this.
This whole thread just makes me sick. I feel so bad for your Fiance. If only he knew what he was getting himself into. I think you need help.
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