Post # 77
For crying out loud OP, don’t throw away a good thing for a possibility, a maybe , a “Feeling”. Sounds like your Fiance is very committed to you, and that in and of itself is worth fighting for. Think about how you felt before your met FI’s brother. How intense were those feelings?
We are all human and ae bound to be “attracted” to people other than our spouses, but we choose daily to stay committed to that person we chose, despite how we “Feel”. Feelings may fade, love backed with commitment can last a lifetime.
Post # 78
Love for your fiance is built on more than just a checklist of “qualifications”. It is also deeply rooted in the relationship you created together. The emotional security, the comfort of never having to explain yourself, the lack of self-consciousness, the desire to give as fully as you receive. It is a one of the kind love, unique to the two of you.
Yes, his brother is smarter/funnier/better looking/likes similar things as you, and those attribute are easily identifable and attractive in a mate. But the type of love/connection you built with your fiance takes time to grow, might not be easily obvious to others, but I think is of far higher value than someone who meets your qualifications more “perfectly.”
Post # 79
If you have lost respect for your Fiance, then it is very difficult to recover the relationship. The basis of a good relationship is respect, and once it is gone it is almost impossible to recover. Like you have acknowledged, you could never have a relationship with the brother, no matter how compatible the two of you are. If you did, you would be a living version of some trashy daytime talkshow. His family would despise you and even mutual friends likely wouldn’t understand. There is no future with the brother.
It might be time to let your Fiance go. The things he can provide for you, no matter how great, are clearly not enough. Let him find someone who feels as thrilled about him as you feel about his brother.
My DH’s brother is nice looking (he looks a lot like DH) and very kind (it runs in the family). But he is so incredibly different from Darling Husband when I got to know him. He is literally everything I would never want in a man, and that made it very easy not to find him at all attractive. However, learning those things takes time, and it appears that OP’s relationship with her Fiance is crumbling faster than she can figure things out about his brother.
Post # 80
Remind yourself why you are engaged to the man you are engaged to! Your Fi’s brother definitely has flaws! We all do! You can love him just in a brother-sister way. Think of him as a brother because someday soon he will be!
Post # 81
@whatdoido: Your Fiance might be perfect, but he’s not perfect for you, especially if you dont respect him!
Post # 82
@whatdoido: Definitely a craptastic situation. Other than was pp have said about avoiding him I am not sure what else you should do besides GET OVER IT or move on from your Fiance. In regards to the flowers your Fiance probably feels you being distant or pulling away and wanted to show you he cares and is there. Not to make you mad or guilty or whatever else you are feeling. I would be over the moon if my Darling Husband spontaniously bought me flowers.
Post # 83
@whatdoido: I don’t think you’re horrible! I just feel like those feelings will pass. I’m sure he has faults too and not perfect as he seems.
Post # 84
@whatdoido: I guess I have very little respect for him, even though I think he’s a great guy.
Do yourselves both a favor, and end it now. If you have no respect for him, it will never work out. Men need their wife’s respect more than anything.
Post # 85
If my Darling Husband had the thoughts or feelings that you are having for another woman we’d be ending things. Don’t trap him and yourself in a relationship you don’t even seem to want.
Post # 86
If you have to ask yourself if you are only with Fiance because of the life he can provide, then that is already a warning sign.
About the brother avoiding you, have you thought that maybe you were not so subtle about your attraction to him and that he is now avoiding you not because he feels the same way, but because he doesn’t? I mean, if he is model gorgeous, he is probably used to women falling in lust with him and he has experience deflecting them. It could be that that is the reason he is single. Maybe he struggles to find women who do not see him for the purely physical perfection that he happened to be born with.
All in all, I do not think you are ready to get married and you do not seem to be all that into your Fiance. If you were, you would acknowledge that yes, the brother is smarter and more good looking, but you are just okay with your Fiance. There is a popular phrase that someone will always be smarter, more good looking, in better shape, more successful, etc. I think that this time it is the brother. Next time he makes an even more gorgeous friend or if you meet a cousin who is straight from the cover of Men’s Health and is a neuro surgeon, then what will you do? My recommendation is to postpone the wedding until you are sure that Fiance will be enough. What will happen if he loses all his money and you need to support him? What happens if he becomes terminally ill or disabled? Will you still be by his side? Those are the tough questions that all bees to be need to ask themselves. Life is unpredictable and if you do decide to leave Fiance for the brother, what will happen if he stops working out or he gets disfigured in an accident? Will your uterus still be weeping then?
Post # 88
@DesertLady: No, none of us have acted on our attraction. You can believe what you’d like, but I’m just reporting what I observe as the person in the situation.
What you said makes me think though. Maybe I’m just really cold-blooded. I think I’d leave Fiance if he lost his job permanently/is no longer useful to me in any way. I’d try to help him on his way, maybe send him money for a few years, but I definitely couldn’t be with him. Same for his brother, or any man I’m with. I’m just not capable of unconditional love.
And I think his brother is the same way as me. Opportunistic, mind before heart. Fiance is just too kind and sometimes it disgusts me (I wonder if he’s faking it, doesn’t even make sense). Yet sometimes it also fascinates me and I’m touched that there can be such people in this world.
I know Fiance would forgive me for anything I do, even if I cheated on him and told him about it. It’d break his heart but he’d really do anything for me.
His brother wouldn’t, though. That kind of thrills me, for things to have consequences. Maybe thrill is the wrong word here, but… I just wish Fiance would stand up for himself. He does make me happy, but he also makes me hate myself for being like some monster next to him. Does that make sense??
Post # 89
Ha, I came here to gush about the brother because I had nowhere else to do it, and end up blabbing all my insecurities instead. This is actually pretty therapeutic!
Post # 90
I read your first post and your latest update. I really think you need to evaluate your reasons for wanting to get married. By saying you’d leave your fiancé if he ever was no longer “useful” to you indicates you may be too self-centered to be married. Do you want a wedding or a marriage? Do you think you’re attracted to the brother because deep down you’re scared to commit? I’m not coming from a malicious place, I swear. Marriage is a give and take. You’re supposed to love and support your partner through the highest highs and the lowest lows. Marriage is supposed to be until death do us part not until you’re no longer useful to me. You owe it to your fiancé to be honest with yourself about your reasons for wanting marry.
Post # 91
You have been really honest and open about how you are feeling. From some of the things you have said:
I guess I have very little respect for him, even though I think he’s a great guy.
and I’m just not capable of unconditional love.
I think you really need to look at whether you should be getting married. Because that is one of the basic tenets of marriage – to love the other person for better or worse etc. If you are incapable of unconditional love, then perhaps the fact is that you are not someone who should ever marry.
I am not judging you, or being harsh when I say this.
It certainly sounds as though you find your fiance to be almost too nice.