- 5 years ago
Let me preface by saying I am nervous to post this, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression- I want to help.
Ladies (and Gentlemen?)
I’ve seen a few posts lately about how someone is losing attraction, it’s fading, they are annoyed with their SO… Ect.
I’m not here with a question, I’m here to tell you all something:
This is normal. There is NOTHING wrong with you, it isn’t the fault of you or your husband. You can’t control your emotions, you can’t control how your body responds.
While the most common solution seems to be therapy/counseling- and yes, I support this if it gets to be longer than a couple months. Seriously, if you feel completely miserable and it seems like nothing helps? Seek help. You may be depressed, I have depression- I know. It makes you not want to be around others, you get short tempered, tired and don’t really desire life at all.
Why does my situation help you? So we aren’t married yet, but we met at work and worked together for a year and half- we saw each other CONSTANTLY.
I have severe anxiety and there is one major instance in my relationship up to this point that I’ve felt off, that I’ve honestly feared the end of our relationship was near. Did I want us to be over? Did I WANT it to end? No, in my mind I was scared of life without him, I didn’t want to see it. I still loved him, but little things just… made me angry, and I wasn’t physically attracted to him, we didn’t have sex.
What did I do…
Well, for you that are already married, I don’t suggest you do this, but… I ran away. Like half way across the country, stayed with family for a little bit and we continued on a long distance relationship. It helped, because we TALKED more, we really listened and we were careful with each other because we were both afraid. I had acknowledged this feeling to him. And he stood back, and let me do what I needed to because neither of us wanted to lose the other.
When I got home after that month, the feeling was further away but still there and it scared me. When did it go away? I started a new job when I came home and we got away from each other, we had to actually MAKE time for each other. Sometimes I wasn’t in the mood but I wanted to please him, and I would do it and it made me happy, even if I wasn’t physically satisfied. And I know, some people are like ‘don’t do anything you don’t want to’. If you have a successful relationship you know damn well that’s not true.
I didn’t TELL him I wasn’t in the mood, I put my best effort in because I wanted to make him happy.
It wasn’t a switch, it’s not like one day I called him and said that the ‘magic was back’. Let’s face it; your life is not a romantic comedy, even if we are married/partnered to some raging goofballs. It slowly came back, I had a desire to see him, I started being ridiculously ‘clingly’, I wanted to cuddle all the time and sit together. It was slow, and I knew not to rush it. We met when I felt like I could, when I really wanted to. The sexual aspect came back even later, for me.
From his side…
We communicate very well. We always did before and after, but most importantly- During. There was about two weeks before I left for the trip that I was so panicked about our relationship, I had a depressive ‘low’ and my anxiety sky-rocketed, and I HADN’T told him how I was feeling.
But he noticed that I didn’t want to stay the night, I didn’t want him to touch me, I just wanted my space. Unfortunately, he waited to ask until it all broke down one night and he asked if I still loved him, if I still wanted to be with him. All I could say was ‘Yes. I just don’t understand why I feel like this.’
It killed me to see the pain on his face. So I told him, I did my best to explain everything that I was feeling even though I didn’t understand and I really didn’t know how to explain it. But afterwards, even though he said he didn’t understand, he would do whatever I needed to make it right. So I ran. Far and fast.
(I’m such a wimp. I’m crying writing this out.)
When I got back, I told him that it was still there, that feeling was hanging over me like a fog. And he waited.
We talked, we watched movies together. Frankly- we dated again. And here we are- over a year later and having a good time.
Am I still scared to death? Yes. I don’t think the fear ever goes away.
I know, you think “dating” again can’t work. But isn’t anything worth a try to make the life you’ve built with the one you love work?
Date, make time for each other where you can pop in a movie and act like FRIENDS. Not lovers.
That has been a big key to us as well, we are friends, we have fun in a non-lover relationship as well.
One of my favorite songs really hits home when it comes to this:
Lee Brice- Love like Crazy. Seriously, go listen to it. I can supply more if you need a good cry.
Sorry if this seems a little scattered but I’ve just seen too many of these topics and remembered that feeling and frankly- I want to inspire hope in you guys. I want you to know you are not terrible, you are not a bad person, let alone a bad wife/girlfriend. I want you to know that you can get better, and I WANT you to. I wish no one else had to feel this way, but it’s always comforting to know that someone else does.
You are normal.
You love the person you’re with, otherwise you wouldn’t care that these feelings are different, and strange.
You can fix this, but you aren’t fixing yourself. You are helping your relationship and your partner.