(Closed) August 25th Bride – Having major 2nd thoughts – Please help!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Oh my god. You poor woman. I can’t imagine someone who loved me saying such horrible things. Is there a possibility you guys could attend therapy? 

Post # 4
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh gosh.  That sounds sooo stressful.  But first of all that’s BS, there’s no reason he would get your son if you guys split up. sounds like he has more issues than you plus they will go with the mom unless there’s extreme extenuating circumstances.

But as far as your relationship, yeah, have you tried some type of couples counseling? it might help him to be able to talk things through.

But honestly, with the situation as-is, I would not be marrying him right now.

Post # 5
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I agree that I would not proceed with the wedding until there have been some major changes. He’s being verbally abusive and you are NOT happy. I’m not saying this isn’t a fixable situation but I would not marry him until you begin working on the relationship together, and you start feeling excited again instead of scared. 

If he refuses counseling, or refuses to work on his behavior in any way, THEN I would dump him. I think his treatment of you is probably only going to get worse if it’s undealt-with. 

Post # 6
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

“…do I put my happiness on the backburner?”– This concerns me. You could, and if you’re still unhappy in two years, do you get a divorce? Pre-marital counseling, asap! It sounds like there are much larger issues than Bees are qualified to handle for you. Best of luck to you.

Post # 7
Member
439 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Is it possible that along with depression he has other mental health issues? It’s strange that he’s such a good guy most of the time then has episodes of verbally abusing you. Maybe couselling, couples and for just him to see if there are other issues here.

If he says no to couselling or starts to doesn’t stick with it, I wouldn’t get married or stay married to him. It’s not right for your son to grow up around a father that says things like that to his mother.

Post # 8
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

Unfortunately, all the things you list as “positives” , are just superficial things. Being clean and doing community service won’t make you a happy, respectful or nice guy. I think you need to get serious with yourself and him about what is happening behind closed doors.

Get into some counseling, solo and as a couple- and go from there. I’m sorry your going through this, sending positive thoughts your way!

Post # 9
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This is abuse. We always want to see the best in people so sometimes it’s harder to see but this is mental abuse. It will wear you down eventually and he may be the same to your child as he gets older. Think this through carefully. See how open he is to counselling. If he’s resistant and places the blame on you entirely, then you need to talk to a 3rd party yourself before you walk down the aise.

Post # 10
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I am so sorry you are being treated this way. You do not deserve this. Normally I would say run like hell but there is a child involved. At the very least I would insist on counseling BEFORE of ever thinking of getting married. It is way cheaper and less messy than divorce. I know, I have been through two divorces.

Post # 11
Member
227 posts
Helper bee

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I agree with the others that I’d cancel or delay wedding plans until you’ve figured this out. Your concerns are legitimate and go far beyond just cold feet or needing to make some sacrifices.

You deserve better than to be talked to like that. It doesn’t mean your fiance is a bad man or a bad father, but you deserve to be excited about your wedding and he should be thankful and excited that you’re willing to spend time with him. You are not a burden on him. 

How would he react to you suggesting counselling? Have you brought it up before?

Post # 12
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Please don’t worry about what others will think or say. If cancelling turned out to be the right decision, those who care about you would understand, and those who don’t care about your wellbeing don’t matter anyway. This is your (and your child’s) future and happiness. Whatever you decide, you need to do it for yourself. A short while of embarrassment will pass before you know it, but a marriage of misery is a much bigger problem. My own opinion is that I would never tollerate that kind of treatment. You deserve to be worshipped by the person you commit to for the rest of your life. But I understand that only you know your entire situation. Best of luck, whatever you decide. 

Post # 13
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Caballito:  I had that same thought. OP, don’t you want a guy where, when you list his positives, the list says “he is funny, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel beautiful, we share a lot of interests, we always have fun together?” When I read that your list of positives had “he is clean, he works hard” my heart just sank. You deserve better. 

Post # 14
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

I just want to say again, DO NOT worry about the embarassment of a postponed/cancelled wedding. I postponed mine for complicated reasons, and everyone (even people who didn’t know any of the details about my relationship) were both supportive and understanding. I offered to pay people back for their travel expenses, but not a single one would accept money. They all said things like, “Well, better to take your time” or “It will be even better when you are 100% sure.”

I think counselling is a very good idea because even one trip to a good marriage counsellor would put your mind at rest and tell you for sure what you need to do about your August wedding. I wouldn’t worry at this point about figuring out whether you should spend the rest of your life with him. You are under a lot of time pressure right now. I’d go to a counsellor, see if you should postpone the wedding, and then if you need to cancel it altogether, you can decide that later when you are under less stress. 

Take it a step at a time. You don’t have to figure it all out right now. Don’t make any of your decisions based on fear or what if’s. Fear of what other people think or fear of the unknown.

You can do it!!!! There is a way through it all.

Post # 15
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Also, most hotels will refund your fee within 48 hours, and plane tickets can be used within a year. Your happiness and peace of mind is worth more than someone’s couple hundred bucks.

Post # 16
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

From what I’ve read it seems like the relationship can deffinately be fixed, Just get some counseling. I wouldn’t continue with the relationship unless he gets help and learns how to communicate without being offensive. Don’t give up on him just yet because you guys do have a son together and I think you should try everything to save your family.

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