(Closed) August wedding- don't know what to do ☹️

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
7680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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jennie6 :  I know you want her their for your wedding as your friend, but you have to let her do what she needs to do.  I wouldn’t discuss your wedding with her further.  Show up, be her friend, you don’t even have to say anything, just your presence will be good -no going out for a drink, etc.  Follow her lead.  She needs space not to think about you or your wedding.  Let her lead on as far as wedding stuff, if she isn’t able, it’s ok, you’ll just need to let it go.

Post # 3
Member
1635 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I don’t think her text reply was terse. I’ve been there. This situation is all-consuming for her right now. She is probably trying to come to terms with this imminent loss, is trying to balance getting to spend time with her father with other resposniblites, may be trying to coordinate care for him, and likely would not feel comfortable at the wedding even if she wasn’t visiting him. Just try to be there for her as much as you can before and after. This is a sad time for her.

Post # 4
Member
2551 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Everyone handles grief differently, some people prefer to go it alone. I wouldn’t take anything personally, just continue to be there for her and wait it out.

Post # 5
Member
4210 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

…this is familiar. ..

Post # 7
Member
1932 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My FI’s mother passed away a few weeks ago and one thing I learned is that his emotional wants changed, very rapidly for the first week or so. One minute he’d be needy and wanted me to do things like give a care package. The next all he wanted to do was plan the wedding. Right after that he’d get so far away I wasn’t sure he was completely aware how close our wedding really is.

Give her a break if she’s inconsistent with her emotions. There’s no need to read in to things. I don’t meant o sound harsh, but you may be on her mind one second and she compeltely forgets you and your wedding exist the next.

Terrible timing and it’s hard as a bride to react when your day is so close because you’re so swamped with your own things, but Ithink you’re doing a fine job handling this! You’re a good friends and youhave nothing to worry about concerning your friendship with her, 🙂

Post # 8
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

If her Boyfriend or Best Friend unfriended you, I’m tempted to think there is more to this situation. I think her text reply is totally normal for someone going through her situation. 

 I’ve been where you’re friend is – and sickness and grief is really all consuming and even without realizing it you become a selfish person (I don’t mean selfish in a bad way, you just do it to survive). It sounds like you’ve reached out a lot. I would back off and not mention the wedding at all. She is probably upset that you’re focusing on your wedding when she’s going through something so terrible. Try not to take anything too personally, and like she said, try to enjoy your wedding. 

Post # 9
Hostess
2882 posts
Sugar bee

Please give your friend the space she needs right now. If her father is on hospice he is not expected to live long. Frankly, I hear a lot of “I” and “me” in your post and think you’re being very selfish. If you really care about your friend, offer your sympathies and support and let it be about her right now, not about you and your wedding.

Post # 10
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe she is also having issues with her Boyfriend or Best Friend, and he is distancing himself or something?

Post # 11
Member
4813 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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jennie6 :   She seems to want to be there for her dad – so let her.   If you feel you need to offer something, make it a concrete offer, such as dropping off a dinner for her, but don’t push it.

Does she know that you are keeping her name in your wedding program as MOH?  I wonder if she thinks that will make her look like a no show at your wedding?

Post # 12
Member
2668 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I don’t really think her text reply was terse, not with everything that’s going on in her life right now. My FI’s father had a heart attack last year and passed away a week later when his mother made the (very hard) decision to turn off his life support. The week his father was in ICU, my Fiance was a complete mess – sometimes he just wanted me to hold him, other times he didn’t even want me at the hospital with him. Some of the things he said and did were very hurtful, but I just reminded myself that his dad is probably not going to come out of this okay and that his emotions are all over the place. I think the fact that I was also grieving (I had known my Future Father-In-Law for over 9 years) helped me put the whole thing in perspective a little.

Honestly, I would stop bringing up the wedding with her. She probably feels like she’s letting you down, but knows that her mental state is nowhere near where it needs to be to participate (whether she’s planning on visiting her father that weekend or not). If you want to leave her in the program, then do so. If people ask why she isn’t there, just say she had a family emergency – her father’s health is no one else’s business.

Her boyfriend unfriending you, though, does make it seem like there’s a deeper issue at hand. But it could be something completely unrelated – perhaps he’s never really liked you, perhaps they are having issues and he’s breaking away from her life. It’s really too hard to tell from this one action.

Post # 13
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My dad went through a life and death situation, and I basically isolated myself.  It felt really painful to do things that were enjoyable in my life before: seeing friends and having fun.  All that happiness seemed so temporary and fake when you’re just so sad inside.  In additon, you really didn’t want to drag people around you down with your negative energy and mood.  I don’t think your friend is mad at you.  I think you’re really overthinking this.  

Post # 14
Member
2122 posts
Buzzing bee

Hey bee, I know this isn’t your intention, but maybe your efforts to be a kind and supportive friend right now is just rubbing in the fact that you’re getting married and her dad is dying? Maybe she’s just trying to carry on as normal as she can for now, and I know you’re trying to make her feel better but she might not want that just yet. Give her some space, she might be distancing herself while she processes. Let her know that wedding or no wedding, you’re there for her, then let her come to you when she’s ready. 

Post # 15
Member
9535 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
jennie6 :  

I dont think you  can do much more, you have tried pretty much everything. I dont know about still considering   her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor and having  her on the programme though , as she has said straight  up she can’t do it . It’s probably too late  do anything  about the progrmme , but  I think you have to let go of the idea of her standing  up with  you.  Could your mum perhaps do the altar duties ?

Yes no doubt  you are being ‘selfish’ in thinking about it in terms of how it affects your imminent  wedding day, but dont castigate yourself for that ,its pretty  natural and I think your post shows genuine concern for her and her sitaution too.

But you have to accept the inevitable and let go the idea of her as Maid/Matron of Honor. Don’t worry  about the unfriending  and possible  tones of SMS’s – she and he are understandably  not really thinking of your feelings. Just send a SMS or email or FB to say you are thinking of her or something  non-weddingy like  that.   

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