Post # 1
I posted this in a different section and think this one maybe better, because I’m feeling very anxious and sad. our wedding party consists of just a best man and maid of honor. We wanted to keep things small. My moh told me she can’t be in the wedding anymore, because she just found out her dad is very ill. The doctors don’t know whether he has days, weeks, or even months, but he is going into hospice now. She’s an only child. She said I should replace her but I’m not going to do that- i still consider her the moh and want to keep her in the program.
Heres the problem. I feel like she’s angry with me. I may be paranoid but I feel like I’m being too pushy trying to help, and then because I’m afraid of being too pushy, i back off and maybe she feels like I’m avoiding her. I gave her a little care package (set it on her desk- we work together) and she never acknowledged it. She writes on my FB wall that if i need any help with last minute wedding stuff to let her know. I texted her and said to not worry about wedding stuff but let’s just go out for a drink and hang out, and she texted back that she is too busy. I feel like a horrible friend because I’m wondering if she could still come and is choosing not too. I have NOT said anything to her about that but I’m thinking it. The weekend before the wedding and the weekend after the wedding, she’s not going to visit her dad. But the wedding weekend she is. Granted it’s a long weekend we have off from work so that makes sense. But part of me wishes she could figure out some way to still come.
I told her that if anything changes I would love for her to be there in any capacity. I’m wondering in hindsight if she thought i meant that if her dad dies I still want her to come and that’s honest to God not what I meant. I wanted her to know I wasn’t upset, and was thinking if her dad is doing better than expected, I would love her to be there no matter how last minute.
I sent her a message saying I want to help and don’t know how, but I want to make sure everything is ok with us. And that I feel like I’ve upset you. She sent a very terse reply back that said “please enjoy your wedding and know that I would be there if I could. Going through this is difficult. I appreciate your support.”
I feel awful and guilty and angry at the same time. Guilty that I feel angry. She says she’s not upset but when I offer to help with stuff -around the house, everyday things, she says she doesn’t need help. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid she thinks I’m a bridezilla b$&$& that’s mad, and I just want to make sure our friendship is ok.
Post # 2
I know you want her their for your wedding as your friend, but you have to let her do what she needs to do. I wouldn’t discuss your wedding with her further. Show up, be her friend, you don’t even have to say anything, just your presence will be good -no going out for a drink, etc. Follow her lead. She needs space not to think about you or your wedding. Let her lead on as far as wedding stuff, if she isn’t able, it’s ok, you’ll just need to let it go.
Post # 3
I don’t think her text reply was terse. I’ve been there. This situation is all-consuming for her right now. She is probably trying to come to terms with this imminent loss, is trying to balance getting to spend time with her father with other resposniblites, may be trying to coordinate care for him, and likely would not feel comfortable at the wedding even if she wasn’t visiting him. Just try to be there for her as much as you can before and after. This is a sad time for her.
Post # 4
Everyone handles grief differently, some people prefer to go it alone. I wouldn’t take anything personally, just continue to be there for her and wait it out.
Post # 6
Thanks for the advice. I saw this afternoon that her boyfriend unfriended me on FB. I’m trying to not read into that but it’s hard. Honestly I just want our friendship to be ok, I don’t want to replace her, and don’t want her to feel pressured from me. I wish I’d said things differently and am afraid she interpreted them in the worst way possible. I don’t know what to do except apologize again and give her space…
Post # 7
My FI’s mother passed away a few weeks ago and one thing I learned is that his emotional wants changed, very rapidly for the first week or so. One minute he’d be needy and wanted me to do things like give a care package. The next all he wanted to do was plan the wedding. Right after that he’d get so far away I wasn’t sure he was completely aware how close our wedding really is.
Give her a break if she’s inconsistent with her emotions. There’s no need to read in to things. I don’t meant o sound harsh, but you may be on her mind one second and she compeltely forgets you and your wedding exist the next.
Terrible timing and it’s hard as a bride to react when your day is so close because you’re so swamped with your own things, but Ithink you’re doing a fine job handling this! You’re a good friends and youhave nothing to worry about concerning your friendship with her, 🙂
Post # 8
If her Boyfriend or Best Friend unfriended you, I’m tempted to think there is more to this situation. I think her text reply is totally normal for someone going through her situation.
I’ve been where you’re friend is – and sickness and grief is really all consuming and even without realizing it you become a selfish person (I don’t mean selfish in a bad way, you just do it to survive). It sounds like you’ve reached out a lot. I would back off and not mention the wedding at all. She is probably upset that you’re focusing on your wedding when she’s going through something so terrible. Try not to take anything too personally, and like she said, try to enjoy your wedding.
Post # 9
Please give your friend the space she needs right now. If her father is on hospice he is not expected to live long. Frankly, I hear a lot of “I” and “me” in your post and think you’re being very selfish. If you really care about your friend, offer your sympathies and support and let it be about her right now, not about you and your wedding.
Post # 10
Maybe she is also having issues with her Boyfriend or Best Friend, and he is distancing himself or something?
Post # 11
She seems to want to be there for her dad – so let her. If you feel you need to offer something, make it a concrete offer, such as dropping off a dinner for her, but don’t push it.
Does she know that you are keeping her name in your wedding program as MOH? I wonder if she thinks that will make her look like a no show at your wedding?
Post # 12
I don’t really think her text reply was terse, not with everything that’s going on in her life right now. My FI’s father had a heart attack last year and passed away a week later when his mother made the (very hard) decision to turn off his life support. The week his father was in ICU, my Fiance was a complete mess – sometimes he just wanted me to hold him, other times he didn’t even want me at the hospital with him. Some of the things he said and did were very hurtful, but I just reminded myself that his dad is probably not going to come out of this okay and that his emotions are all over the place. I think the fact that I was also grieving (I had known my Future Father-In-Law for over 9 years) helped me put the whole thing in perspective a little.
Honestly, I would stop bringing up the wedding with her. She probably feels like she’s letting you down, but knows that her mental state is nowhere near where it needs to be to participate (whether she’s planning on visiting her father that weekend or not). If you want to leave her in the program, then do so. If people ask why she isn’t there, just say she had a family emergency – her father’s health is no one else’s business.
Her boyfriend unfriending you, though, does make it seem like there’s a deeper issue at hand. But it could be something completely unrelated – perhaps he’s never really liked you, perhaps they are having issues and he’s breaking away from her life. It’s really too hard to tell from this one action.
Post # 13
My dad went through a life and death situation, and I basically isolated myself. It felt really painful to do things that were enjoyable in my life before: seeing friends and having fun. All that happiness seemed so temporary and fake when you’re just so sad inside. In additon, you really didn’t want to drag people around you down with your negative energy and mood. I don’t think your friend is mad at you. I think you’re really overthinking this.
Post # 14
Hey bee, I know this isn’t your intention, but maybe your efforts to be a kind and supportive friend right now is just rubbing in the fact that you’re getting married and her dad is dying? Maybe she’s just trying to carry on as normal as she can for now, and I know you’re trying to make her feel better but she might not want that just yet. Give her some space, she might be distancing herself while she processes. Let her know that wedding or no wedding, you’re there for her, then let her come to you when she’s ready.
Post # 15
I dont think you can do much more, you have tried pretty much everything. I dont know about still considering her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor and having her on the programme though , as she has said straight up she can’t do it . It’s probably too late do anything about the progrmme , but I think you have to let go of the idea of her standing up with you. Could your mum perhaps do the altar duties ?
Yes no doubt you are being ‘selfish’ in thinking about it in terms of how it affects your imminent wedding day, but dont castigate yourself for that ,its pretty natural and I think your post shows genuine concern for her and her sitaution too.
But you have to accept the inevitable and let go the idea of her as Maid/Matron of Honor. Don’t worry about the unfriending and possible tones of SMS’s – she and he are understandably not really thinking of your feelings. Just send a SMS or email or FB to say you are thinking of her or something non-weddingy like that.