(Closed) Author Discovers her Groom-to-be is Gay

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I know a family whose dad came out.  While the parents divorced, they actually have a wonderful relationship. 

That said….I don’t know how I would recover. 

Post # 4
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Tough stuff.

Post # 5
Member
4038 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree, better to find out before the wedding. My mom is gay, and my parents were married for 17 years before they finally divorced. She’d always known she was gay, but getting married and having kids was what was “expected” of her. 

Of course I’m glad she did get married, since I wouldn’t be alive otherwise, but she spent over 25 years lying to herself and denying what she wanted (which eventually boiled over and led to cheating). It ended in a really messy, ugly divorce, for them, for me and my brothers, and there are still a lot of hard feelings, close to 20 years later.

Post # 6
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think, among all the reasons for breaking up, this would be the easiest for me to take. I would just be mad that it didn’t come out sooner!

Post # 7
Member
2288 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think that this would be devastating for a few reasons. Number one, the man I love doesn’t want me that way and number two, the man I love felt forced into being something that he wasn’t. If he lived in a time and a place where it was okay to be gay, a lot of pain would have been avoided.

Post # 8
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

 I’ve thought about this before actually. Even though I am totally pro gay/lesbian rights, I know that if my husband were to ever come out gay that I would be devistated. That is the one thing I think could drive me over the edge with our relationship. For instance, if he were to cheat with another woman, sure I would be heartbroken but marriage can survive cheating. If he were to die suddenly, I would also be heart broken but I could live with the fact that we spent all the time we could together and I could know that I was the best possible wife I could of been for him. But if he were to come out and say he was gay I would feel like I’m losing my husband/best friend forever. There is no mending a relationship once your partner says they don’t like your sex, its over, and you realize that everything was a lie. Your hurt because they lied to themselves, you and alot of times it will go on for years.

 I just couldn’t imagine this actually happening to my marriage. =(

Post # 9
Member
2858 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

He shouldn’t have lied to her or had an affair, obviously. That was totally wrong. But I think that it’s sad that there is still such a stigma about being gay that some homosexuals are too afraid to be honest with themselves and others. There is so much heartbreak that could just be avoided if we lived in a society where it was easier to come out and be open about one’s sexuality.

Post # 11
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

A few people I know have been affected by a situation like this: in one case, a parent where it was very hard to reconcile that they felt they had been living a lie for 20+ years and that caused many hurts among the family, especially the kids. The other was a friend and her bf: better than he came out now rather than when they were married, where the relationship was headed.

Just hearing their stories is so saddening. I agree with PPs that said could be worse than cheating with a woman: it’s not a mistake they made, but who they are at their core means that they will never be happy with you as a partner. That would kill me more than anything.

Post # 12
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

So sad, but it happens all the time. I’m hopeful that in the future there will not be a stigma and people can just be who they are, marry who they want and there will never be a divorce or break-up due to homosexuality. I can’t imagine feeling like I need to marry somebody because my family or society says so. 🙁

Post # 13
Member
1553 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Something similar happened to a good friend of mine.  She was married about five years when she found out her husband was gay.  He didn’t tell her.  She found out when he was arrested in some kind of sting operation (something about sex with other men in a public place).

Once she knew, he admitted he’d always been gay, but still wanted to stay married because he did love her.  It was a VERY difficult divorce with many tears on both sides and ended with them having no contact (there were no children).

Of course, she was asked a lot “How could you not tell?” But he was her first boyfriend ever.  They started dating in high school.  She had no other relationship with which to compare theirs.

Fortunately, there is a happy ending.  He is in a long-term relationship with a guy that I know vaguely through mutual friends.  I’ve heard he’s a good guy.  She has remarried and is expecting her first baby.  Both seem content, but they really gone their separate ways.

Post # 14
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think the worst part about this isn’t finding out that your Fiance is gay as much as it is that you’re Fiance has been lying to you – worst yet if he’s known for a long time.

Lying to a partner whether you’re gay or straight and cheating is just selfish. It says that you think this person couldn’t go on without you and it says to you’re too scared to be honest with yourself. I’d be more hurt that someone allowed me to develop a close emotional connection with them and possibly wasted years of my life in a relationship that they knew wasn’t what they wanted.

No matter how badly someone will be hurt by the end of a relationship they’ll be more hurt if it’s prolonged.

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