Post # 1
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
I’m looking for some information from people who are not as ignorant as I am on the topic.
A friend of mine from university, lets call him D has pretty severe Aspergers syndrome. We were never all that close but we had classes together and met once every once in a while (he had a rough time with his flatmates so he used to visit once a month or so if he was down). So now I have graduated and he is in his final year so we only talk online.
I do not claim to have any knowlegde on the topic of the autism spectrum and I’m aware that everyone is different but I was wondering if anyone had experienced or heard of anything like this: whenever we speak online he always has ‘big news’ – firstly it was little things like being interested in a girl etc etc, but now I only talk to him online I’ve noticed it’s become a bit… odd. About 6 months ago he claimed he was gay – I thought nothing on it and continued as normal – a month later he was straight again, then a couple of months ago he without warning started talking about his new boyfriend, after explicitly telling me he definitly was not gay (not that it bothers me one way or the other!), so conversation moved to his boyfriend – I mentioned that my OH and I were most likely going to be engaged soon and he said the same thing, then the same night (maybe two hours later) he emailed me telling me they were engaged.
Now, none of our friends have met this person, seen a photo, heard any more than a first name, he claims they are too busy to meet us and on facebook he is still listed as single (which I know means nothing but still)
Tonight (after telling me a few months ago he had never slept with anyone) he claimed some girl he slept with in April was having a pregnancy scare – I questioned how she didn’t know what was happening (despite KNOWING there is no girl) and quickly replied that he got a text saying it had been sorted.
All of this happened online.
So do any of you Bees have any information about Autism and lying (online or to do with relationships ideally!) that you would be so kind as to share. He is a lovely guy and I feel bad since I now doubt everything he is saying
Post # 3
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
I should also mention that D updates his facebook and twitter ALL the time (like 10 times a day) but has said nothing about any guy or pregnancy scare other than to me and one other person via email.
Post # 4
Member
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
@kat2014: I’m not the most super educated on this but I do know that it is most likely related to his desire to fit in socially and have something to talk about but also his inability to pick up on what is considered socially acceptable.
Post # 5
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
I have had some experience with individuals with Aspergers, but none like you have had. My guess is that he is just trying hard to get your attention and acceptance. That’s just my theory, but it makes sense to me. Individuals with Aspergers want to belong within a social group, but have a hard time following “social rules” that we typically just pick up on. It makes sense that he claimed to be engaged right after you told him you might be engaged soon. It might have been his way to gain your acceptance.
Post # 6
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
@chasesgirl: That makes sense, actually. Thankyou! I just found it interesting since he never says anything like that in person or even ‘publicly’ on facebook and when I ask anything specific he says he had to go.
Post # 7
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
@mrstj2b: That really does make alot of sense, thankyou!
Post # 8
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee
My brother is on the scale with Aspergers and he has a tendency to REALLY exagerate stories, if not make them up entirely.
Usually they are “harmless”, meaning its insignificant. Like he would remember one of us siblings saying or doing something when we were little, that we definately didnt do. Or stories about his friends that we cant confirm isnt true, but is just doesnt seem plausable.
I think, like the PPs said, its his desire to have something to talk about.
The other thing my brother does is if he finds he tells a funny story that people like, he will keep retelling it in that same evening for HOURS until someone basically tells him to shut up.
He has no social skills for the most part and doesnt know what is socially acceptable half the time.(like showing up at 9 PM for a 2 PM BBQ) Its all related.
Post # 9
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
I agree with @chasesgirl… I have ALOT of aspergers in my family… I have it myself… MILDLY… anyway, it’s definitely a social fitting in issue….
Post # 10
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
@lefeymw: Thanks for that – that makes a lot of sense and sounds alot like D! Do you have any way of drawing out the truth? I like talking to him – he’s a sweet guy but I hate myself for doubting everything he says!
Post # 11
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee
@kat2014: Not really. He needs to learn that it is not socially acceptable to lie to people. He may not understand why, but its a rule he has to follow.
Just like my father has had to teach my brother that its not OK to not call and not show up to an event you said you would be there to. He doesnt understand why. (He always has an excuse as to why he was busy) But he knows now its just something you do. Like brusing your teeth.
I have no idea if this is your position to teach him this however. That is something for you to decide. But I would venture to say its not because you arent that close to him.
Post # 12
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
@lefeymw: I totally agree that it’s not my position to do anything like that, I was wondering more if there was anything I could say/not say in conversation that would avoid making him feel like he has to lie, such as should I avoid talking about relationships? I believe, as you said, I am in no position to try and influence how he behaves – but if there are topics I can avoid to stop him feeling that he needs to lie I would like to avoid them – do you think that would help?
Post # 13
Member
677 posts
Busy bee
My sister has aspergers, and they tend to parrot and mimic people, they dont know how to fit in socially and so they copy everything that they see other people doing, whoever they are spending time with is going to be their influence at that point in time. If you say you are getting engaged, then they will too. If you say you want to dye your hair pink, they will too. They frequently dont understand why lying is wrong, you can tell them a million times that lying is innapropriate but making up wild stories is extremely common and a very difficult trait to get rid of for them. I used to get very angry at my sister because she was a habitual liar and a theif, she just never realized that it affects other people negatively because they mentally lack the ability to put themselves in other peoples shoes. This is just what comes with knowing someone with aspergers, they will never really behave normally, and you just have to accept it and brush off the stories and the personality flip-flops.
Post # 14
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee
@kat2014: probably not because he will likely exagerate, if not lie, just to connect with you and so he seems “cooler” so the topic won’t matter. You could stick to school topics that you know he knows something about.
Post # 15
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
@kat2014: why would he update his status about a pregnancy scare even if it were true? 😛
As someone with a mental disability who has just come out of university I can say that it is nice that you are concerned. No bugger in my class gave a damn about my problem and acted like I was faking it to get “perks” like SAAS funding and extra time in exams.
Maybe offer to meet up with him so you can have a good chat. I am sure he would appreciate it. He might open up to you.
Not sure what university you are talking about but I was at QMU and they had no idea how to handle mental illness. They made me feel like a waste of space and I was given no support. If I had a physical disability they would have bent over backwards. I hope that your university is better, but you are aware of his problem and I hope you can somehow help him. Its really lonely when no one understands and I am glad that people with experience of aspergers are here to offer you advice.
Post # 16
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
@beebee89: wow, we are pretty close by! i went to stirling, they seemed mostly good with him – but residential services are a joke, he got stuck with people that stressed him out and they would not move him! we meet up every so often to chat but we live far apart so we mostly talk online, thanks for your insight – its really helpful 🙂
