(Closed) Autism spectrum.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4504 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t have a partner on the spectrum, but I myself am. I am considered very mild and exceptionally high functioning, but nevertheless can lean towards being a tad antisocial and routine oriented to the point of verging on OCD when stressed. I have a social work degree and work with many vulnerable people, and in many ways living with my idiosyncrasies has helped me to help others, so it isn’t all bad!

Forced change of routine, work or interpersonal relationship stress sends me to the nark factory.

I like that you and he are creating a comforting behaviour pattern with the clothing and ginger ale. For me, routine and structure at home are important, and allow me to relax and wind down! I also need a bit of alone time (even from my partner) to recharge, as many introverted people do. Please don’t take offence or feel slighted if this is something your partner needs. It will actually help him to be more present and loving- sounds strange, but trust me on this.

To help him, just love him. Don’t ever let his diagnosis be an excuse for him not treating you with love and respect at all times (you have never said anything other than lovely things about him from recollection, but this is important, as sometimes it is easy to lash out at those nearest and dearest when under duress). Just be a present and supportive partner, and make sure you have support peeps you can debrief to when it gets hard!

 

 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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sumshine.dawn:  Is it the stress of the holidays or the over-stimulation related to them or something else? I’m also a high-functioning Aspie. Lists are helpful for me. Otherwise my brain is just whirling with things to do and organise. 

Wanting the lights off sounds like a coping mechanism rather than a problem in itself. So try to figure out the route cause and remedy that. Gaming will help him chill but it doesn’t deal with the problem. I listen to music and it’s extremely necessary but it doesn’t get my life in order.

Christmas is naturally difficult – flashing lights, crowds, music, colours and even more crowds. It’s such a lot to take in. Some Aspies try to take everything in and process it (that’s our problem) but that’s impossible in order to cope. If he does this has he tried using a little distraction technique? I listen to music in town for instance. It shuts out some outside stimulation and I plan where I’m going and just get from a to b to c. He could have something in his pocket that he could fiddle with like a stress ball or any object. He could concentrate on the feel, angles and weight and it will stop his brain taking in further information. It really depends on his stressors.

You sound like a really fantastic partner.

Post # 6
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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sumshine.dawn:  I see, that makes sense. ‘Tis the season!

The keyring sound just the ticket! But he has to know why he’s doing it. Does he have coping mechanisms yet? A diagnosis is great but that doesn’t help with living with it. I’m lucky my DH is a psychologist!

No offence intended but I’d be dreading the family meet up too. I struggle hugely with seeing his family and there aren’t many of them. I’d need a room to go to. Could your room be a place he can go when he finds things overwhelming? Usually getting some alone time before it gets too much is better than having a meltdown after trying to deal with everything.

Could you tell your family that it would be better to just leave him be? If I constantly had people asking me if I was alright then I’d feel like I was doing something wrong. Aspies are known to miss social cues so it would set off alarm bells and make me self-conscious. It’s nothing huge, we just need some minor tweaks here and there! We’re normal people but just view the world a bit differently. I don’t make my AS known to my family and friends as most of the time I can ‘cover’ for it.

Ugh, what an idiot brother is. It’s none of his business of course. Maybe he just thinks Fiance is attention seeking or something. You can’t really disprove AS, unless he can get Fiance to empathise and put the emotions to those annoying pictures of people (that’s beyond me!) But it’s true that AS is difficult to get right by the professionals. DH meets plenty of people who have been through the mental health system who are clearly AS but never diagnosed, and then on the other hand those with the diagnosis but actually it doesn’t fit.

 

Post # 7
Member
4813 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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sumshine.dawn:  My DH is an Aspie.  If you google spouse or husband with Asperger’s you will get some interesting web sites and coping techniques.   You both seem to be coping well – knowing the triggers and working with them is good.   

It’s hard, and lonely.  My now DH and I were together for about eight years before getting married and after our wedding I had a long, low spell.  I thought I knew what I was getting into also, but somehow the loneliness felt deeper once we had married.  I think that’s when it hit me that as much as I wanted to “help” – the symptoms doesn’t change.    We’re a strong couple but I will never, ever have someone who has an emotional connection with me – and that is so very lonely. Keep a good circle of friends.  Wishing you the best.   

Post # 9
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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sumshine.dawn:  Remember to look after yourself too! We can be complete pains at times. 

His brother should realise that almost all the great scientists, mathematicians and engineers were on the Aspie spectrum! It can be a great advantage when used in the right way.

Post # 10
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee

My sister has aspergers. I think the holiday season is hard on them because of all the socializing and the stress of gift giving. She is not coming with my parents to spend Thanksgiving with the family this year, because she can’t deal with it. She also suffered an injury just last week at her job when she dropped a table on her foot, so she is recovering physically.

For her she “de-socializes” as she likes to say, by spending hours on the computer reading blogs and watching her favorite movies. Her cat also acts as a form of therapy, as it doesn’t require a lot of attention and soothes her moods. She is very sensitive to human interaction and will literally run to her room to get online or take a nap when she has had too much. We’re much more understanding of her nowadays than we were when she was a kid, but she was only diagnosed at age 25 so we didn’t understand her “people issues”.

Just give your guy the space he needs and don’t set your expectations too high. I’m sure he is trying his best.

Post # 12
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee

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sumshine.dawn:  Aw, thanks. I didn’t used to be so nice, I used to give her a really hard time because I couldn’t understand what her issue was (I thought she was always being lazy or rude). Though not nearly as bad as this brother you describe… he sounds like a moron. I would just tell him to go read a book on the subject because he obviously knows nothing about it, as people with aspergers are usually highly intelligent. What they are lacking in is largely social skills/ability to pick up on social cues and adapt in a social environment.

Post # 14
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
sumshine.dawn:  Ha, not that he’s fulfilling a cliche or anything ๐Ÿ˜‰

His brother sounds like he needs to be made to realise he’s a dick. I’m thinking lots of pardons and dead set glaring!

I’m glad you take care of you ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 15
Member
1222 posts
Bumble bee

I am also an Aspie. Christmas and family get togethers and big social events where we have to be “on” is super stressful. So there’s that. The light sensitivity can come and go – as can other sensitivities (smells, sounds, textures, etc) over time and depending on how stressed he is. His brother is in denial — sounds like. I was diagnosed at age 38. I’m almost 42 now. My family was also in denial when I told them I thought I was on the spectrum. Even after I was diagnosed by one of the top ASD specialists in my country. 

Does he see a therapist? Does he have an interest he can disappear into for awhile to use as a coping technique? It really helps to have something to disappear into sometimes. I go online and google the same topics over and over to read and re-read  about my interests. It’s relaxing. 

At your family get together maybe you could coach people before hand and not in his presence to please NOT ask if he’s okay and pester him. That causes stress. Be friendly but give him space. And allow him a quiet retreat space of some sort where he can breathe and chill out if needed. 

P.S. Aspies are not cold fish – we feel deeply and love deeply. We just don’t always express it the same way NT’s do.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Profile Photo lilredcat.

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