Post # 1
I have a good relationship with Fiance Sister-in-law who lives in a different state. His brother will be his best man, my brother a groomsmen, and his nieces/my niece also be involved in the wedding as ring princesses and flower princesses respectively. Two of my bridesmaids picked out a dress that they loved and get measured immediately/dress ordered immediately. When I asked my future sis in law to be my bridesmaid, she said, “Sure,” but as soon as I showed her the dress, she complained that she would not fit in it and that she would need to lose weight. She knew the timeline to get measured, but I said no more about it. Later sent her pictures of the little girl’s dresses. She liked them, but added that she had a dream that I picked out a different bridesmaid’s dress because she didn’t like the one that the other girl’s picked. Mind you, my other bridesmaids are quite slim and the last thing I want is for her to feel uncomfortable, but at the same time, it is my wedding. Therein lies the struggle of being a people pleaser, I suppose. I don’t want to rock the boat with her, but it’s coming down to the wire and I don’t see how she is going to have time to get the dress at this point. She is holding out—either hoping that I’ll change my mind or that she will be able to lose weight, I’m not sure. I deferred to Fiance on how to handle things with his sister in law to which he responded, “I love you, but you’re on your own.” There’s my knight in shining armor riding off into the sunset…leaving me behind. LOL. My mom’s idea was to delicately tell her that the dress won’t be ordered in time and to suggest another task (i.e. cutting the cake, etc.) I am in knots about this. I asked her to be my bridesmaid, she didn’t get measured in time, and now I’m forced to renege my offer. The last thing I want to do is drive a wedge between our relationship….I don’t know what to do.
Please help! Thank you!
Post # 2
Why don’t you let her wear a different dress that she feels more comfortable in, in the same color as the other Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses? I would really reconsider demoting her from bridesmaid over this issue…..that is just cold.
Post # 3
I don’t think you’re going back on your offer when she has basically refused to order the dress. I mean, the other BM’s have already ordered theirs, are you suppose to just change it on them at the last second?
I’m curious, did you ask your Future Sister-In-Law to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man around the same time you asked the others, or did you sort of tack her on after the dresses were already decided on? And did you ask all the BM’s their thoughts on the prospective dress? I guess ultimately it doesn’t matter even though it’s nice to do, because it is your wedding and it’s pretty well settled that you get to pick the dress as long as it’s within the budget your BM’s can handle. Will it look absolutely absurd and embarrassing on your Future Sister-In-Law, or is she just being really insecure about her body?
I had to wear a dress for a wedding that I thought was terrible for my body type. But oh well, I wore it.
Post # 4
Is your dress actually difficult to pull off for anyone who isn’t tall and/or thin? Like super short, backless, form-fitting, or strapless…you know what I mean. If so, let her wear a fairly similar, more flattering style in a the same color. If not, and she’s just putting off ordering it in the hopes of losing weight, that’s what a seamstress is for. I don’t think you should actively demote her, but make sure she knows the latest date by which she can order the dress and still have it arrive in time for alterations. If she doesn’t order it, she’s not a Bridesmaid or Best Man by default.
Post # 5
I picked the color and fabic for the dresses from David Bridal and my girls picked the style. As long as it was the color and fabic I was good. I would suggest you do the same.
Post # 6
Don’t ask her to cut the cake, please. Thats a JOB, if she doesn’t want to get the dress, she’ll just have to be a guest. Let her choose –wear the dress or be a guest.
Oooh, that should a poster in a dress shop, lol.
Good luck, this is a tough one, but I’m of a mindset of not letting people pushing their views on your event.
Post # 7
And in all honesty if I were to have a wedding now it would be with bridesmaids in tones of a color in an approved dress of their choice…meaning I’d have to ok it, but they could choose it. But I believe brides should have their vision
Post # 8
My SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid and then picked the worst dress for my body type even though I was in the best shape of my life at the time. And she picked it despite my input (before final selection and ordering). I sucked it up and ordered it. But, frankly, I would have been thrilled if she had let me out of my obligation. Maybe she would be too.
I would give her options and tell her you just want her to be comfortable and really enjoy the day. Then offer to order the dress immediately, order a different shape dress in the same material (if that is an option), or let her enjoy the day as a guest and do a reading.
This is the reason I only have a maid of honor and let her pick her dress (subject to my veto power). Deep down, none of my friends want to wear matchy matchy dresses that will only suit some of them.
Post # 9
There needed to be more clear communication, and more follow up in the mean time. She said she didn’t like it and wouldn’t feel comfortable, and hoped you would reconsider. You didn’t, but didn’t seem to tell her that reconsidering was 100% off the table. Neither of you seemed to check in with the other which is on both of you.
I agree with PP that the best solution would have been to get something similar from the same line that flattered her better. If that is still an option, I would look into it.
If it’s not, you need to have a heart to heart. Take her to lunch/dinner on your dime, and hash it all out. The only way to salvage this is communication.
Post # 10
Did you ask her opinion on the dress, or just told her to order it? Why can’t she just wear a similar one in the same color? I don’t understand basically kicking someone out of your wedding party over ap iece of clothing.
By The Way – no one wants to be asked to cut the cake. That’s not an honor, it’s a job for the catering company you are presumably paying.
Post # 11
Do not give her another ‘job’ jfc.
You should have gotten all BMs buy in on a dress before forcing them to wear it. You say you don’t want her to be uncomfortable, then why can’t she wear a different dress in the same colour/fabric?
At the end of the day, if she doesn’t get the dress, you can ask her to just be a guest. However if you don’t want to drive a wedge as you say, you’d be better off letting her wear a different dress.
Post # 12
She kind of made the choice to be removed from the bridal party on her own. You told her the timeline and she didn’t purchase the dress in time. Maybe this is her way of trying to get out of it – so she might be relieved if/when you tell her.
I’m curious why she feels she’s too heavy to wear the dress. Is it really revealing? Super short?
Post # 13
I don’t think it was fair for anyone to start ordering bridesmaid dresses before all bridesmaids and bride were happy with the dress. If she’s that uncomfortable in the dress then you should definetley let her order another shaped dress in the same colour.
Maybe speak to her and ask her in a nice way if she’d prefer to do that, and you’ll know by her reaction if actually she would be more comfortable being a guest.
Post # 14
- Wedding: May 2016 - Magnolia House
My sister did the same thing, she didn’t like the dress etc. so I let her get a dress in the same color but different style and it looked just fine. Hopefully she can find something in the same material and color and she may have to rush order it if your wedding is coming up soon but I would leave it up to her and if she wants to back out let her.
Post # 15
I also don’t think it was fair that ther other two get to go pick out a dress (and they are thin) and the Future Sister-In-Law is told what she will wear. WHY was she not in on the selection? I’m a size 18 and I can promise you any dress that looks great on a size 4 or 6 or 8 looks like shit on me.
Seems like you let the others choose what they wanted to wear so you should let her too. It doesn’t matter if it is uniform. You did not treat her with the same respect you treated the other 2 bridesmaids.