(Closed) Avoiding my spouse before the wedding?

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
9561 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Do you mind giving more details about how you guys met / how much time you’ve spent together in person / why you got “officially married” just a few months after meeting eachother? I think it’d help us to understand the circumstances around your relationship.

Given what you’ve told us, I would wait to marry this man… but you’re already married to him, so I guess I would wait to have the fancy wedding and see if you still feel this way once you and your husband spend some time actually living together. If you still feel like this, it might mean your marriage isn’t meant to be.

Post # 4
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

What does he say when you argue that makes you feel unheard?  Perhaps some counseling is necessary both as a couple and as an individual to determine if you are a good fit.  Lots of couples have seperate interest, but are committed to each other so I am not understanding why he is trying to force his way into every aspect of your life.  I would start the counseling asap, because if and when he moves in, it’s only going to get worse. 

Post # 5
3648 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Where do you live? Is this an arranged marriage of sorts? It seems very odd that you would meet and then “the next logical step is making it official and I wasn’t in a position to say no.”  Why? That is not how it goes at all, for people in the developed world at least.

It sounds like you are not and have never been in love with your husband and that you rushed into marriage. At this point I would cancel the big to-do and see how the next few months go. Nothing wrong with eventually admitting you made a mistake and getting a divorce. 

Post # 6
210 posts
Helper bee

After that, the next logical step was making it official and I was not in a position to say no.

I don’t understand this. For most people, when you meet someone you like, the next logical step is to slowly start spending more time together and then maybe become boyfriend/girlfriend. The next logical step is not to get married after knowing each other only a few months. Also, how can you be in a position where you can’t say no? Do you not actually get any say in who you marry? Is this like an arranged marriage where your family picked him and you can’t say no unless he’s abusive or something?

Post # 7
2223 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
andayaaloo :  Was this a culturally arranged marriage? Could it possibly be that the match just isn’t meant to be?

With such a short time to get to know each other it seems you skipped the dating period and you’re just now getting to the point in the relationship where you would normally acknowledge the discrepancy and part ways. Though, due to you already being married and the close proximity of your wedding, I would suggest marriage counseling. It sounds like it’s cetainly not solely either of your faults that the marriage isn’t “working” per se, but it’s also possible that the long distance is making it more difficult to connect. People always say marriage takes work for both people, even good marriages. Do what is best for you though, not what you think others, even family, expect of you. It is your life and happiness after all. 

Post # 8
2343 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
andayaaloo :  I too don’t really understand how the “only logical step” would be to marry someone? Maybe we need more details?

You sound more like you want to call everything off and get a divorce/annulment (if you can, I don’t know how that works) than you want to move forward with your ceremony. 

I agree, I would cancel your celebration and take some time to explore your options and how you can go about ending this marriage. Or, work on it but don’t spend the time and money on something that you’re not sure about. 

It sounds like you’re getting to know this person and you don’t like what you’re getting, which is understandable since you guys hardly knew each other before getting married.

Post # 10
1149 posts
Bumble bee

You should date at least a year before thinking about getting married. It takes at least a year of seeing someone’s consistent behaviour and your consistent interactions in real life to say confidently that you know someone and that you’re compatible. That’s why many relationships don’t make it past the first year. 

Things are meant to go smoothly in the first few months. That’s the honeymoon period when everyone is still on best behaviours. And it sounds like you didn’t spend much time together in real life, and already having arguments. Not a good start.

I would suggest not proceeding with marriage when you have so much doubt. I will bet there are many things you didn’t know or expect that will come out when you actually start to live together as husband and wife. Better to be single than divorced (or worse stuck in an unhappy marriage).

Post # 11
1429 posts
Bumble bee

You’ve married a stranger. You don’t actually know eachother because you’ve never spent enough time together. And you’ve realized as you grow to know him, that you don’t actually like him that much. That’s ok. It’s a little difficult because you went and got married a year ago. But you can still move on with your life.

Call off the party. Do it now before people spend money on flights and hotels and stuff.

Break up with your husband.

Get a divorce.

Next time, remember, you can say “no”. You don’t need a reason to say “no”. In fact, you should have a damn good reason to say “yes” particularly if it’s only been a couple months!

Post # 12
180 posts
Blushing bee

Based on your comment that this was semi-arranged, I suspect a lot of us may not be in a position to totally understand your situation because that’s not as common on this board.  However, even putting that aside, I still think the right answer is to cancel the ceremony even if it causes drama.  It will be even worse to (1) have the ceremony and break things off right after, or (2) have the ceremony and stick it out miserable for years.  Sorry you’re in this situation, but it doesn’t sound like staying with him will make you happy. 

Post # 13
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

It honestly doesn’t sound like you are really married at all. You haven’t spent enough time together to actually learn how to live and function as a married couple. While I don’t think it’s entirely necessary to file for divorce like some other posters are suggested, I do think you need to postpone the wedding ceremony ASAP. Look into counseling and maybe discuss future plans with your husband. How long do you intend to keep up a long distance relationship? Is one of you relocating a possibility? Before you make any big commitments, you need to actually spend enough time together to see if you can even function as a married couple.

Post # 14
1183 posts
Bumble bee

What does semi-arranged mean? Does it actually mean that this was culturally-condoned? If not, then you absolutely had a reason to say no: you didn’t KNOW each other well enough yet, which is now causing you problems. 

You said this: “I feel like my change of status (from a single woman to a married woman) has just been overwhelming; perhaps I miss the idea of being single, independent, and having a lot more space and time to myself (to live life on my terms, so to say).”

You suggest that maybe you don’t have enough “space” or “time” to yourself, but you’re in a long-distance relationship with him now, right? So… you MUST have ALL of your space to yourself and still a decent amount of alone time. 

Okay, let’s just get down to the nitty gritty–you shouldn’t have married him. Plain and simple. You were basically strangers, so you married a stranger. Don’t go ahead with the big wedding at all. Maybe move in together and see how it goes, but consider a quick and easy divorce if it doesn’t work out smoothly. Since you don’t really know this person well, you have no idea how incompatible you may be–and, frankly, it sounds like you are. 

Post # 15
2246 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

The church that married us makes every couple do a pre marriage course. The marriage counsellor told our group that it takes four years to really know someone. So basically you married a stranger. 

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