- 3 years ago
I apologise in advance for a long post, but I am in desperate need of some impartial advice. My circumstances (and feelings) are suffocating me and I fear I will run away and perhaps worsen things for myself. Please do not judge me for what I will write below, but do be honest in your advice.
My DH and I officially got married in a quiet ceremony last year, a few months after we met. I said yes to marrying him because he is a genuinely good man, well-educated, and well-liked by those around me. This year (in one month), we are finally having our big wedding (the whole shebang). In the year that has passed, I have grown less excited about the idea of being married to him and having a wedding. We are also currently in a long-distance marriage and our professional lives are very stressful.
My DH makes a lot of effort and I know (as does everyone else) that he clearly loves me a lot – it shows. However, I keep coming closer to a realisation that perhaps this is not the marriage or relationship for me. I do love him, but I am not crazy about the idea of being married to him. I feel like my change of status (from a single woman to a married woman) has just been overwhelming; perhaps I miss the idea of being single, independent, and having a lot more space and time to myself (to live life on my terms, so to say). The honeymoon period wore off quickly (we didn’t have an actual honeymoon and we cannot afford to have a honeymoon after the big wedding immediately). I am told that perhaps when we are in the same city (he is making an effort to join me where I live), then our circumstances/relationship will improve.
However, I am unsure of our dynamics as a couple as well. I did not know him for a very long time before we got married last year. Since then, we have had countless arguments and fights in which he tends to want to have the last word and I don’t feel heard. I am not used to such conflict on the home front so it’s breeding a lot of resenment in me and I am increasingly disillusioned with the idea of a wedding or marriage. He is generally an understanding guy and is doing is best to keep me happy. I know he is trying a lot. But the last year has not been smooth and the weeks leading up to the wedding have tested us even more.
What I don’t know is if this marriage will make me happy. Perhaps I’m depressed? Perhaps I am expecting too much. I don’t think my feelings are the result of wedding stress; if anything, the wedding planning is making it obvious how different we are as people. It is definitely testing the relationship. And the wedding planning is also revealing that my idea (rather, fantasy) of an exciting wedding and marriage and life-long relationship will never be realised. I feel terribly alone and my interest in the wedding is dimishing.
I ackowledge that I may have rushed into marrying him and should have given it more time. Now, it feels too late to cancel the wedding. My family will be very disappointed and hurt – and judgements and questions from those around me is another thing I don’t want to put my parents through. They all like my husband and he good with them. There are a lot of people flying from abroad for it.
Sometimes I think the problem may just be with me. I terribly wished I loved him more and wanted him more. I wish, every day, that I was happier in this relationship, because I know I have a lot better than many other girls do (I also know this because I have been in bad relationships before so I know it can be worse). I also feel ungrateful and thankless for feeling how I feel. I know my DH picks up on my feelings and he often talks about them and tells me to be positive and that things will improve. Then I feel even worse for him. But eventually we have another argument over something trivial and in that moment I want him to not argue with me but just be an adult and let things go, but he doesn’t. And my negativity is fuelled and my ‘cold feet’ (if that’s what this is) makes me want to run away even faster. We are both in our early thirtees. Given our dynamics (conflict, unequal feelings, lack of financial security), I am increasingly hesitant to have any children as well.
People have been telling me to have faith, be positive, be grateful, be patient and that things will get better, that we will get good jobs and we will settle into married life (all good advice). My DH is not at fault but I don’t think I am either – perhaps we just wanted different things out of a marriage? My sex drive has plummetted and I am increasingly looking for ways to communicate less with him. And the more space I take, the more he pushes towards me. The more autonomy I want to do certain things, the more he wants to be involved in them. Sometimes it’s nice to have someone interested in the things you do; at other times you just want to be your own person and have your own unique interests, hobbies, achievements that you can claim as your own.
I just don’t know what it is I have gotten out of getting married. Sure, I get the importance of having a loving and caring partner and companion for life. But what should you do if you’re just not able to love him the way you should be? And what should you do if you’re just not excited about your own wedding?!