Post # 1
I recently had my engagment party, hosted by my FI’s parents.
I have this one friend that I have know for about 6 years, and he got incredably drunk at the engagment party. To the point of blacking out and not remembering the awful things he did (he mouth off to other guests, my parents, my FI’s parents and said incredably rude things to everyone). My parents and Fi want to take him off the guest list becuase of this behavior, but I am very conflicted about it. I recoginze what he did was super rude, but I have never seen him act like this before. I dont know if I should bring it up to him becuase I dont know how much he will remember about the night.
Any advice would be appericated.
Post # 2
You should most definitely bring it up to him. He should know he behaved out of line and offended his hosts. He should know so he doesn’t do it again. Be sensitive that he may be embarrassed by his actions, but be honest and forthcoming with him.
I think the issue of inviting vs not inviting him, you have some time to decide. Maybe he will apologize for his actions and smooth things over. Maybe he will be too embarrassed to come. At least if you decide not to invite him he will know why.
Post # 3
How do you know he does “not remember[ing] the awful things he did”?
Anyway, to me that’s a “one strike and you’re out” offence, especially since he’s not a relative so you don’t have to invite him, and your parents and Fiance don’t want him there now.
Also, just putting it out there, do think he fancies you?
Post # 4
I would most definitely bring it up with him. Regardless of whether he remembers or not, he needs to know that his behaviour was way out of line and that he offended a lot of people. If any of my friends behaved like this at a party I was hosting or was the guest of honour at, they could expect a “dude, what the hell” conversation sometime in the near future.
As for not inviting him to the wedding, if your Fiance and your parents want him taken off the list you might have to conceed to their wishes (particularly if your parents are helping to pay for the wedding). To be honest, I wouldn’t want someone who might get blackout drunk at my wedding, regardless of how long you’ve known them. One of my FI’s cousins is an alcoholic (an aggressive one at that) and we’ve decided not to invite him to our wedding – his parents and brother are invited, and they all know why he’s been left off the guestlist and understand.
Post # 5
If it is a close friend then you bring it up and to be honest, I would be explain why he would not be getting an invite to the wedding.
Post # 6
I had a close friend get drunk and pass out on our wedding. Since my other close friend had left early, and no one else on the wedding actually knew this friend or were she lived, DH and I had to leave our wedding to take her home. Unfortunately, she has recently moved and never told me, and given her status she was unable to remember her address. We had to leave her at our apartment to spend the night with a spare set of keys. We had some guests staying there too, so when she woke up and tried to leave they found her (we had already told them about her) and she felt super embarrased.
So my advive would be, either cut him off or make sure he is constantly being watched over so he won’t get drunk (maybe have someone counting his drinks).
Post # 7
if he’s a close friend and this behaviour was totally out of character I would definitely talk to him to find out what was going on. After that, it’s up to you whether based on what he says whether you feel happy having him attend your wedding or not
Post # 8
im sorry bring it up is only going to rub salt in the wounds of embarresment, he will get defensive of his pride and it will probably sever your friendship… the key point here is your line ‘you have never seen him act like this before’, its a one off – someone had a little to much at a party (honesly there doesnt need to be a ‘reason’, being at a party having fun with alcohol and losing track of how much you had is plain and simply it) and lost control of their filter, its fairly common and happens to pretty much every non-teatotaller at some point in life
as long as he caused no damage that your being charged for their is no reason to bring it up… he knows he had to much and embarresed himself and now he will want to block it out
Post # 9
Is he sorry? That would be the deciding factor for me. If he is embarrassed and apologetic, he messed up and it likely won’t happen again. If he brushes it off, doesn’t care, or acts cocky, then I wouldn’t trust him to not cause another scene.
Post # 10
I think you need to respect your FI’s wishes and, if your parents/his parents are helping pay, the parent’s wishes as well.
What he did was extremely inappropriate. I wouldn’t end the friendship necessarily and give benefit of the doubt. However, his actions have a consequence and you have a responsibility to ensuring your guests feel comfortable. Your partner obviously does not feel comfortable (with good reason) and that is a major consideration that needs to be taken into account as well.
I would talk to him politely and lay out the events that took place after he got plastered. Hear what he has to say. Then I would, personally, politely explain that I still value the friendship but, due to the offenses other guests felt, you unfortunately need to request he doesn’t attend.
Post # 11
As someone who dealt with a drunk embarrassing relative at my wedding, I would say absolutely do not invite him. Skip the worry and headache.
Post # 12
It’s one thing to drink a bit too much. It’s another to be an ass and upset people. You need to address this with him and tell him it was not acceptable. Or just don’t invite him. I would do the former first then decide on the latter depending on his reaction. Otherwise, look forward to potentially another night if this.
Post # 13
I think a conversation is important. Especially since you say it was not like him. And like another poster said, see how his reaction is towards his actions. If he’s embarrased, and willing to apologize to anyone he offended, then everyone makes mistakes and has a night where they drank a little too much, and you havesome time to decide if you feel comfortable inviting him.
If he gets defensive and just dissmisses you or gets upset, even when you approach him as a concerned friend and not an angry mom, then i think it’s a no brainer there and it’s not worth the risk.
Whatever decision you ar leaning towards, you need to be happy with while also making sure your fiance and family is also comfortable with it.