(Closed) Awful discovery – SO has been sending emails to another girl

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

*intentionally

Post # 33
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t like the excuse “he is so sorry he hurt me” no..he is sorry he feels so shitty after getting caught.

 

Post # 34
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I am divorced b/c my ex cheated and I was the one who divorced him.

From what I went through, I would seriously look at his life.  Has he cheated before on a serious girlfriend?  Ever?  This is imho borderline cheating b/c she is a real girl, one he did date and one he did smooch.

Has he ever lied to you before?  Seriously, search everything.  With my ex H, there were teeny little signs.  He had cheated on his previous fiancee before and I should have taken that as a huge red flag. 

Just tread ahead lightly, maybe even consider counseling too. 

One thing, he should (with you watching him) send her an email telling her he is 1)engaged to be married and 2)that he was wrong and is wishing to break off all contact with her.  I think knowing this is key to any possibility of moving on.  Go check out Dr. Harley’s principles on how to affair proof a marriage at http://www.marriagebuilders.com .  That’s a great site loaded with great tips.

Post # 35
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I actually think the real red flag isn’t the fact of these emails but that you say your relationship is going great. 

When a relationship is in a difficult period, a person is in a lot of stress, it’s fairly normal for them to succumb to temptation of an inappropriate conversation or email or two and IMO not a huge deal as long as certain lines aren’t crossed and can be forgiven. (I know I’d forgive an inappropriate email if we’ve been fighting like dogs and cats for months.)

But someone who flirts inappropriately when not under stress and wants attention from others when not disatisfied with your relationship it’s a big problem.  Either he will always cheat no matter the circumstance or he has been under stress/disatisfied and you just have no idea – and either way that doesn’t mean good things for the relationship. 

Post # 36
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It’s good to hear that even though you had to go through all this drama and stress, he’s now seeing things in the same fashion as you are.  Maybe this was just the wake-up call he needed to get off his butt and realize if he doesn’t take your relationship seriously or propose soon, that he’ll loose you.

Plus bellenga has some really good advice that I would follow if I had the same issue with my future hubs.

Good Luck with all things wed in the future!  =)

Post # 37
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m not going to comment on whether what he did was “right” or “wrong” but rather on context.  I didn’t see the emails, but do have extensive overseas experience and am marrying a guy I met in France.  In France and Brazil, where I have spent the most time, it is extremely normal to end an email with “bisous” or “beijos” (kisses in French/Portuguese respectively) as just a friendly signature.  Girls would write this in emails to other girls or to guys – guys are much less likely to write it to girls or other guys.  It might even be offensive NOT to write this at the end of a letter/email/online chat, or to say it at the end of a phone conversation.

So, if your SO’s friend is from another culture, I would just suggest to take this into consideration, that perhaps she didn’t mean it flirtatiously.

Anyway, it sounds like you guys have talked this out extensively – hope it gets better and I’m sorry that you’re going through this stress! No fun 🙁

Post # 38
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

Wow, I am so sorry you’re going through this! I’m with the previous posters who said that right  now, he’s definitely sorry he got caught. I know that it’s difficult to go through this and you just want things to go back the way they were, but I would be very careful in this situation. It’s so easy to just believe that he’s so sorry he hurt you, but would he have continued this if you hadn’t caught him?

I love Bellenga’s advice to have him write an email to this girl letting her know that he’s engaged and that he’s severing all contact, with you watching him do that. I think that’s one of the biggest things that has to happen to begin rebuilding your trust.

Again, really sorry this is happening, and I hope everything works out.

Post # 39
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

LMAO WHAT IN THE WORLD ^^

Post # 40
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

ls18:  

If he has no desire for this woman, why was he sending flirty emails?

Your boyfriend is not being honest. I consider this kind of behavior to be emotional infidelity. It is also very worrisome that he only seems sorry that he got caught. Being a handsome man and enjoying attention from other women is no excuse! 

You have to decide if you can get past this or not. I’m not sure why you are planning to marry someone who clearly cannot be trusted. 

 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by  amiona.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by  amiona.
Post # 41
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee

Apart from the “magic” issue, this thread is 5 years old!

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