(Closed) Awful family/holiday issues– advice please

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 33
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@anonybee87:  I can understand where she is coming from if she experienced someone who did not get there PTSD treated. However, she should be able to get over that for the sake of the family. Could you maybe make a holiday meal at your place and invite them over?

Post # 36
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@anonybee87:  have they ever actually spent any time outside of their home with him?

 

Post # 38
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

You’ve continued to go to family holidays without him thus you’ve set the precedent for future holidays. Unless you are willing to say ‘We are a package deal. Take it or leave it’ then this will continue and your SO’s resentment will grow.

It may not be what you want to hear but it is what it is.

Post # 40
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I figured it was weed too.

In my opinion, your mom is being a jerk; whatever her objections are, your FI’s engaged in a legal recreational activity. I assume he’s not planning on bringing his favorite assault rifle to Thanksgiving dinner, and what he does for fun on his own time, not in her presence, really isn’t her business. It sounds to me like she’s being manipulative and controlling.

I know it’s not what you want to hear, but if your mom is putting you in the situation of choosing to spend the holidays with them (your parents) or your SO, then you have to choose. If it were me, I’d tell her that I respect that her moral objection to your SO’s sport means so much to her that she’s willing to sacrifice her relationship with her children and her future grandchildren, but you place a higher value on family, and that your SO is your family too, and that you’ll be spending your holidays with him and let her stew in it. If you actually do plan on spending your life with this man, it’s a stand you’re going to have to make eventually. As long as you keep kowtowing to her and giving in when she excludes your SO, the message you’re sending is that you’re willing to accept her treating the person you love like this.

As far as your dad’s cat allergy, maybe you guys could have dinner in a restaurant on a semi regular basis or something. 

Post # 41
Member
1004 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It seems to me like your mother has more issues with your SO than just the target shooting. Seriously, that is… well, crazy… to hate someone and barely be civil with them because they like to practice shooting targets, don’t hunt, and are not employed in a job that requires them to potentially shoot people. Was your SO in the armed forces?

 

My Fiance shoots targets and while my family does not like the idea of us having guns in the house, they have never suggested that it would mean they can’t accept my FI! Is your mother worried that any potential future children could find the weapons and hurt themselve? Did her father try to hurt himself with a weapon due to his PTSD? Was he unstable and used his weapons to threaten or scare his wife/children? There has to be more to this story…

…and even if there is, I can’t see how knowing your SO likes to shoot a gun (and could potentially use it to protect you at home), would mean she can’t accept him in her house. I know deeply pacifist people who would not bar your SO from their home, but would accept him lovingly all the while disagreeing with his choice of hobby.

I agree with those above who say that as long as you keep going over to your parent’s house without your SO, they are going to keep making you pick them over your SO. If you want it to stop, you just have to tell them that you won’t be coming without SO anymore. Yeah, it sucks that you have to choose between them, BUT it is not YOU making that choice – they are forcing you to do it.

Post # 42
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@anonybee87:  I would sit my mom down and say something like, “Mom, Juan target shoots.  But that does not define him as a person.  There are many things that I love about him, and I wish you would give him a chance.  It hurts me that you are so unaccepting.  If you are unwilling to accept him in my life, then we will not have the holidays with you.  I am really upset about that, but since I love Juan and want to be with him, I have no choice.”

 

Put it all on her.  She is being ridiculous.  My fiance carries a gun with him almost everywhere he goes.  I think it’s ridiculous.  My mom thinks it’s INSANE…but she isn’t impolite.  If the topic were raised, she would voice her opinion — absolutely — but she wouldn’t refuse to have him in her house.   

Post # 43
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@MsBlackberry:  This is a much better way of saying what I was thinking. I find it hard to believe that she simply doesn’t like him because he shoots targets.

Post # 44
Member
3651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@anonybee87:  I didn’t wade through all of the posts because I’m not sure that circumstances matter. Honestly , I don’t buy that your mother’s sole objection to your SO is that he engages in a harmless hobby. She’s got other issues with him, you just aren’t revealing them.

You can’t change those around you. You can only change how you react to them.

I don’t know what “spend the holidays” with your family actually means–days at a time? If so, cut down the time. Visit with them one time. If you only spend one meal time with them and they still act up–either put up with it or stay away.

You can’t force your mother to invite your SO to her home–it’s her right to define who enteres her house–but that doesn’t mean that you have to have a full blown holiday experience there iwthout your SO.

It’s important that you not bring this grief and emo stuff on yourself, learn to make choices that reduce your angst. And remember that as you stay with this man, these fmaily problems will continues. Hope he is worth it.

 

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