(Closed) Awful wedding experience, can't get over it, Vow renewal?

posted 5 years ago in Vow Renewals
Post # 32
Member
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Awwwww man! That truly sucks. I’m in SAT too and if you had fed me Pappasito’s chicken fajitas, donuts (!!!!!) and coffee I would’ve stayed and helped you clean up afterwards. No joke. 

God knows what happened to your guests. The truth is we can speculate about the date you chose (a Sunday?), the after party, the generational gap, bad music, someone giving guests the “it’s over vibe” (ie a bee just said her mom started to clean up mid party)…so I say either let it go or ask your photographer and/or videographer what happened. They might’ve seen something that clued in the guests that it was over before it truly was. Awwwww. 

I say nix the public vow renewal too and do something w just your Darling Husband (how cool is that? He’s your husband now!). 

Post # 33
Member
1324 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

πŸ™ i’m sorry. i think you should take a long vacation with your husband and think about your bright future together πŸ™‚ 

Post # 34
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Well, I’m gonna start with a couple of positives… you lucky duck! Hahaha! San Antonio in September is such a gamble and the weather has been so beautiful. I’m so glad that the weather worked out for you.

Also, Pappasito’s? They’re crazy for leaving for pizza and beer if there was Pappasito’s! No offense to all of the pizza and beer of the world, I love you just the same, but Pappasito’s? Sooooo delicious!

And to round out all of the positives, YOU’RE MARRIED!! Congratulations! It’s such an unbeatable feeling to know that you’re best friend and love of your life will be there forever. Just remember that the day you two marry, as much love as you feel for him, it’s the least amount of love that you’ll feel because that love will continue to grow every day.

As far as the shennanigans on the day, I can kinda fell your pain. I knew from the get that my family and friends would have caused headache and frustration, so I didn’t even bother with the festivities. (Before I continue, I’m not saying you should have eloped, but this has to do with the vow renewal question.) I originally started planning a wedding, calling around and researching prices. At first I was comfortable with the amounts I was given and thought, “Hey, it’s not going to be as expensive as I thought.” Then the idea of everything getting ruined creeped up in my mind and I couldn’t fathom the thought of wasting so much money to serve people dinner so they can leave right after. I might as well just take them to dinner and have them congratulate me at Chili’s for a far cheaper meal. (Not endorsing Chili’s here)

We decided to elope to the place that meant the most to us. We had such a beautiful experience and so much fun celebrating our love without any interruption (that’s not a sex joke… although….) and couldn’t have been happier with our decision. We figured that it’s all about us and our union anyway so every year we take a trip in celebration of our marriage. At the time of our original marriage (which, for you would be 1pm ish), we stop and hold hands and do a mini vow exchange that reflects on the year past and how we will cherish each other for the year to come. We don’t have an officiant or a crowd, just us.

We bring a camera and a tripod and get a special, beautiful picture and then continue to enjoy our trip.

Now, as far as your vow renewal, I know other PPs have mentioned that it won’t help with the ruined day and I agree with that on a certain level. Since I’m such a frugal person most of the time, I would be upset with wasted money and inconsiderate people and saying, “I do” to your husband again won’t make that go away. However, since the day was so frustrating for you, if there was a chance that your pictures were ruined by fake smiles and irritated looks, I would definitely say to go for it and get another photo shoot so that your memories there aren’t tarnished.

Whatever you decide to do, just try to be happy in your marriage because that’s ultimately what it’s all about. And go get some Pappasito’s for dinner!

 

ETA: I totally forgot to mention the donuts and coffee! Seriously… I’m a little bummed that I wasn’t there. Lol!

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  TheHappyWife.
Post # 35
Member
587 posts
Busy bee

ElleVee:  Don’t worry you are not the only one who didn’t enjoy thier wedding day.  At least you seemed to have held it together for most of the day.  I spent pretty much most of my wedding day crying due to my sister (MOH) being awful to me the entire day.  She at one stage even said “it’s not all about you ………).  There  were a lot of things that she said which just made me burst into tears.  Looking back at some photos you can see my horrible puffy watery eyes.     I also wasn’t happy with my photographer – she rushed us – I don’t even have a full length photo of the front of my dress, and she missed lots of other important shots.  People turned off cameras that were set up around our ceremony!!! So we haven’t got much footage of the day.  I was so upset that I hardly ate anything at our reception – most people said it was lovely food but I wouldn’t know as I spent the time just sitting and staring at it (while having to sit next to my sister who ignored me, or just said snappy comments to me).   I put so much effort and time into making my little gifts for everyone to take home (Most of them were left at the end of the night!).       We had free alcohol available for people, yet the next day we found a few cartons of empty bottles that some guests were sneaking outside to drink.  Also had one couple leave early with a bottle of wine to their room to go and get drunk with.  They also invited others to join them, luckily the others declined.  One of my bridesmaids left before a lot of the guests!!!   People also left early from ours as well.    I was so sad that the next day when people wanted to say hello (we were all at the same venue), I didn’t come out of my room until they all had left as I didn’t want to face anyone.  I remember crying and saying our wedding day was ruined (mainly from my sister).  We didn;t speak for over three weeks after, and still haven’t bought the issue up (My wedding was about 8 months ago).   I still get a bit sad when I think about it.  There were some nice parts to the day too, and in the end I married the love of my life!!! That’s what you have to think about and focus on.  No one can take that away from you.  Some people are not as lucky as us and don’t even find that special someone to spend their life with.  Your wedding day doesn’t have to be the “best day of your life”.  In the end it is just another day.  I’m sure you have had many other days better than your wedding day that you can look back on a on smile.  You need to get away and just spend time with your husband.  Our honeymoon was fantastic as it was just us together away from all the stress of the past year organising everything!   It will get better with time and the things you are obsessing over now will fade in your mind.  As i type this I know there were lots of other things that went wrong too with our wedding, but now i have trouble thinking of them all, as i have learned to let go and focus on the future.  You can’t change what happened, but you can be positive about the future and enjoy life as it is now!! Now go and give your husband a kiss!! πŸ™‚

Post # 36
Member
2348 posts
Buzzing bee

ElleVee:  I think you have to find a new way to look at it. Right now you still feel raw and disappointed- but when you’re celebrating your 20th wedding anniversary with your husband you’ll probably both laugh over it. It is a memory, and right now it’s painful, but I’d bet a thousand dollars that in time it will be something that you both laugh over. My Fiance and I love laughing about the time four years ago when we got bedbugs AND our apartment caught fire. We lost almost everything, at the time it wasn’t funny. Now, we look back and laugh at all the crazy things we’ve been through. 

Post # 37
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

What time did people start to leave? When I first read this I was puzzled as well (I mean… it’s PAPASITTOS! (I’m a Hill Country bride so I know that’s amazing)), but I think it probably had to do with the 1pm to 6pm timeframe. People are conditioned to a 6pm wedding where they let their hair loose and stay late, but when it’s earlier they don’t really know what timeframe to follow. My SIL also had an early wedding (ceremony was at 1pm) and my Fiance and I kept wondering “why did her wedding not feel as fun as other weddings we’ve been to?” and we realized it had to do with the timeframe. When the sun is out, you don’t want to get liquored up and are just thinking about what you’re going to do after.

Post # 38
Member
4767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so confused about your timeline. 1-6 for ceremony, dinner/lunch?, and party?

Don’t want to be mean but it’s a really bad timeline.  It’s in that awkward time that’s after lunch and before dinner.  I don’t know what kind of food was offered but if it was only snacks then I could see that your guests would be hungry and would want to go find food.

No one feels like partying at 3:00 in the afternoon.  I’m sorry.  I can’t say I’m suprized people did not want to dance.  

Then you offer doughnuts and coffee around 5:00 PM I’m guessing?  If you had offered this before your ceremony, I think it’d be a big hit.  Lots of people don’t drink coffee in the evening.  

Furthermore, you planned two overlapping parties?  Why didn’t the hotel party start later than during your reception?

I see so many posts by bees who want to save money by compromising their party by having it in the afternoon or on a weekday or Sunday night.  They always say “if my friends and family loved me they will go and have fun no matter what.”  Well that is not reality.

Post # 39
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

Atalanta:  I’m sure you were trying to offer constructive criticism but your response came across quite rudely. I doubt the OP, who already feels unhappy about her wedding, really wants to hear about how “bad” her timeline was. 

I have to disagree with your first point, especially: clearly her friends and family did feel like partying at 3 in the afternoon if they all left to get piss drunk back at the hotel. The fact that the OP offered a full meal and was still flaked out on is just horrible. Even if the guests didn’t want to dance, they could have at least stayed for more than the free food. Also, maybe I just have a more excitable group of friends than y’all but I’ve personally been to plenty of midday weddings where people partied their faces off. I actually prefer early start times to 6PM ceremonies when I’m already half-asleep from the rest of the day. I think the problem is that her guest list was just full of twats with no manners. It happens and it’s sad but it’s not the OP’s fault.

Also, from what I’ve gathered, the party at the hotel wasn’t supposed to start until after the OP’s reception. Her guests just decided they’d rather drink beer in a room than celebrate her marriage with her, which, again, is terrible. The only thing the OP really did wrong, as far as I can tell, is be TOO kind to her guests by offering them free booze at an after party that her relatives had easy access to. They didn’t even take her favors! Seriously rude.

OP, I’m really sorry that your day went so sideways. I’m not sure a vow renewal will ease how you feel but I think your focus should really be on celebrating your life with your now-husband. πŸ™‚ If anything, I’d maybe plan a super special 1st anniversary date with him.

Post # 40
Member
528 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Oh dear, OP.  I feel so sorry for you and am so sorry people were so thoughtless.  You have made me feel terrified that something similar will happen at ours.  I think the pain will fade with time.  Make sure to do something extra special on the anniversary.  

Post # 41
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m really sorry for you πŸ™ Your guests were very inconsiderate! It makes me wonder how close they were to you. I refused (to my parents…) to invite anyone I didn’t know, any sort of family I wasn’t close to during my childhood.

To be honest I sort of trapped my guests :p lol. I had my reception in a boat.

Did you have a honeymoon? After my wedding I went to two different countries to have another two small wedding receptions (multicultural family…) and I only really felt married about a week and a half after the actual wedding when we went ALONE to a resort.

So, take a holiday, away from anyone you know!!! Just the 2 of you. It doesn’t have to be far away. And most of all, wedding is for the marriage!! Enjoy your marriage :)))

 

Post # 42
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

It seems to be a huge lack of communication issue… What did the invitations say? It seems like people understood it to be ”Wedding, followed by sit-down meal, followed by coffee, finishing at 6”? If that’s what people understood, I guess they weren’t expecting to dance and just figured you and your husband wanted a quiet evening together after the coffee and that they’d party it out at the hotel? So I guess after lunch they figured they wouldn’t stick around because you wanted them out by 6 anyway?

And once a few people left, the rest thought ”oh gosh everyone’s leaving, I’d better leave too.. I don’t want to overstay my welcome”.. ?

Have you asked people why they felt they needed to leave? That’s the first thing I would have done.. ?

Post # 43
Member
2870 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

OP, I’m sorry that you felt that your wedding was ruined because of all this. I can’t imagine how hurt and bewildered you must feel. Your parents are very sweet for trying their best.

I won’t be much help in terms of figuring out why your family and guests left due to wedding timeline. My wedding ceremony started at 1, had a break after to take photos, reception started at 5,  the last guest left at 2 am. So it’s a bit different from yours.

I know it’s so hard not to focus on the awful things that happened because that’s just human nature. You will need to make a conscious effort to focus on the positives. You are finally married to your sweet husband, this is just the start of a new adventure together!! 

Now enjoy married life, it will have its own ups and downs but now you have your someone special to go through it with.

Post # 44
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

This grudge against your family and friends isn’t fair.  Presumably these weren’t just butts in seats, these are people you care about.  If so, be kind.  If your loved ones aren’t the type of people to dance at 3pm, don’t hold that against them.  If they are flakey, then forgive them for genuinely misreading your invitation.  And you leaving the reception to change for 30 minutes was the proper cue for guests to leave.  

And please, be kind to yourself.  It’s ok you didn’t feel the way you “should” feel on your wedding day.  The realization you’re actually married hits a lot of brides far after the wedding.  Feeling numb or tired is not terrible or awful.

Brides can meticulously plan their weddings- but the one detail you can’t control is people!  You can’t control your guests and you can’t control the groom, and really, you can’t even control your emotions.  If planning a vow renewal will make you happy, go for it.  But I think you’ll be happiest if you forgive yourself and your guests for being human.                  

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