(Closed) Awkward Bach Party Situation – advice please!

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

His two broke friends aren’t paying for a wedding! He shouldn’t feel bad at all for saying he can’t afford it. And for them not picking up any of the costs, that’s a shame but that’s something they should have worked out at the beginning–not sprung it on him now. I guess being vague/unclear is at fault here, but he just needs to speak up.

Post # 4
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Well these are his close friends right?  I’d just tell them like it is.  I think it’d be easier (on your ego especially) when you’re paying for a wedding to be like, “dude I’m broke, I can’t go all out”.  No matter the reason though, they should understand.  I bet his friends who are broke are probably stressing about it but they don’t want to disappoint your Fiance.  I think he should just be honest and say he still wants to take the trip but can’t afford to do anything too over the top.

Post # 5
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Yeah, I would just be honest, and say that money’s a little tight right now, and he doesn’t think he can afford to pay for a whole weekend there. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of his friends then stepped up and offered to chip in and cover whatever he can’t.

As for having them pay for him completely, I didn’t know that was par for the course. I’m planning on paying my own way for my bachelorette (maybe not for my drinks, but for my airfare, hotel, etc. if we go away for it).

Post # 6
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Maybe now knowing that he has to pay his full fare and can’t afford the whole weekend suggest toning it down to one night?

I don’t see why the wedding party needs to pay completely for the groom or bride’s expenses for the bachelor/ette party especially when it’s a “destination” per his request.

…For us honestly we tried to offer to pay for FI’s share. Everyone’s traveling and spending money too. Just because we are getting married shouldn’t mean that they need to empty their wallets. Just where we stand. They were going to do a weekend in Savannah(his brother’s suggested) where everyone else was going to split the hotel room and all the other weekend expenses. And we got it where we could at least pay for FI’s airfare.

Post # 8
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I had been under the impression that groomsmen/bridesmaids paid the groom/bride’s way at the bachelor/bachelorette parties, as well! I think with this situation it is a little more tricky, seeing as the groomsmen are broke and you and the groom weren’t really budgeting for an entire weekend. I think your Fiance should be honest with them and tell them that he wasn’t expecting to pay his entire way for the weekend (maybe he could reference another friend/family member’s bachlor party where the groomsmen paid) and also that he wasn’t expecting a whole weekend away. I think if he brings it up to the groomsmen in that manner and also mentions that he has a wedding to pay for as well, so he’s broke too, maybe everyone will be willing to tone it down to one day/night and maybe the guys expenses that were budgeted for the exta day/night could be used to chip in for your FI’s meals/drinks or part of the hotel? (hopefully they will draw that conclusion on their own) Hope that helps!

Post # 9
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I would not expect the groomsmen to pay for the bachelor party – your Fiance should pay his way. If he feels like he can’t afford what they are planning, most likely others will be feeling the stress too – esp. if they are expected to chip in for him. Your Fiance should just be honest and say that he can’t afford it and doesn’t want anyone else to feel stressed abt it. Just do one night in NYC.

Post # 10
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I can understand the wedding party paying for drinks etc for the weekend but I never would have expected people to pay my hotel room and everything else. I just have never been a part of a wedding where that was actually expected so maybe the groomsmen didn’t expect to have to pay for your Fiance either? But like everyone else said, I suggest he should just be honest with them and make some suggestions that could save everyone money, himself included, like going for one night instead of the whole weekend.

I think it could get a little awkward if he brought up that he thought they were paying for him though so I would just try to find a cheaper way of doing things and have him pay his own way. Obviously you guys have a lot more costs associated with the wedding, but most of the times the wedding party has a lot of costs as well (in addition to being tight on money already) and I don’t think I’d be super thrilled if a bride came up to me and told me she expected me to pay for her trip somewhere if it wasn’t previously discussed.

Hopefully you guys can sort this out and he can still have a great time 🙂

Post # 11
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Yeah, I think if he requested Atlantic City, then it’s his place to pay for his own way on big ticket items. They can pay for drinks, etc, but unless they whisked him away, I would never expect them to pay for the travel fare, hotel, etc.

Post # 12
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

While I think your Fiance should pay his way, he should let them know to keep it to one night or something, not get too carried away. I always say it’s best to assume yoou’re paying for yourself and if they decide to cover you, cool.

Post # 13
7408 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

In our group of friends, the groomsmen cover the entire cost of the bachelor party.  This has happened with the last 3 weddings that have occurred.  I think it depends on your circle of friends and what is customray to them.

Post # 14
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I will definitely try to pay my own way during my bachelorette party, especially if it were going to be a destination thing (though it won’t). So I don’t think its weird they’re expecting him to pay his way. Buy him a drink or two? sure. Pay his hotel costs? That’d be a bit much. 

But, if he doesn’t have the money he should just tell them. You guys are cash-poor right now due to the wedding and he can’t afford to do more than 1 day. 

Post # 15
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think traditionally it’s up to the party who’s planning the even to pay.  It’s not fair to the groom to expect him to pay for things he has no say in.  Like if they are planning a weekend away, why should he be expected to pay for any of that if he wasn’t asked for his opinion or involved in the planning at all (not sure if this is the case).

My friend’s Bachelor party is a FIVE day get-away to Chicago (we live in New Hampshire), and his groomsmen and other friends don’t expect him (the groom) to pay for any of it.  They know he can’t.  The fact that it’s so elaborate is because that’s what the other boys want to do and they know that the groom will enjoy it.  If they, themselves, couldn’t afford it, it would definitely not be happening.

I’m the Maid/Matron of Honor for the wedding and I’m planning a pretty sweet bachelorette party for my friend.  We’re going to NYC for the weekend (one night at my house to save cost, then one night in NYC).  We’re doing the whole extravagant night out on the town too (limo and everything).  I know my friend well enough to know that if she had to pay for any of this, there’s no way she’d want to do it.  But her friends think it will be fun and have the money/are willing to pay their price plus a portion of her (split six ways, it’s not too bad).  I couldn’t imagine being like “By the way [friend], you need to chip of $$$ to pay for this party you didn’t even know what we were doing!”

Your FH should just tell his friends the truth – that he really wants to go to Alantic City and is happy to chip in since he knows his friends aren’t rich, but that he simply can’t afford to go for the weekend and probably others don’t want to pay to go for the weekend either.  Just ask if they can do the one day like he originally suggested since that’s more in-line with everyone’s budget.

Good luck!

Post # 16
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think that with these destination bachelor parties being so popular nowadays, the ‘norm’ has kind of shifted to the groom paying for himself. What with hotel costs, meals, flights (or trains or car rentals), s-clubs, tons of drinking, it’s probably close to $1,000/person if you’re lucky. So to split that among the guys is just too much, it’s not like paying for 1 meal and some drinks.

Fiance paid for his flight and hotel on his destination bachelor party, but the guys would usually buy him drinks and they paid for his portion of the ‘main’ big meal.

But I think your Fiance would be totally fine if he just says he needs to cut it down to 1 night if he’s paying for himself. Things can get a little out of hand with the guys planning the trip more for themselves than the groom, so they should take a step back and realize why it’s happening in the 1st place.

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