(Closed) Awkward handling by parents of wedding expenses

posted 11 years ago in Money
Post # 4
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Maybe send a very long thank you card thanking them so much for their input. You saying how happy you are to have them as your new parents would probably make them feel a lot better about it. Your parents should probably send a note too. 🙂

Post # 5
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yeah, i don’t think you can have your cake and eat it, too (aka you cannot “host” the wedding in public, then secretly say “yeah, we paid half”). However, if DH’s parents are okay with it, it’s their business. However, I’d have DH find out FOR SURE if they are okay with this. If they truly wanted to contribute a financial portion, depsite the fact your parents WANTED to host the entire wedding, maybe they could help you with a down payment or something. I think your parents acted a little sneakily and not very fairly. But DH’s parents sound like they WANT to contribute…perhaps to you two, that’d be the way to go. If you’re uncomfortable, you should definitely say something (i know I would) but if DH’s parents don’t mind in the end, you can’t force them not to. I’d just want to be really, really sure they were okay with it, that they didn’t feel swindled and are trying to be peaceful by just cutting a check.

Post # 6
2472 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would not apologize to them if they seem not to really mind.  You could just end up making this into a bigger issue when it might not in fact be an issue at all for them.  I like the idea of you and your parents sending a nice thank you to his parents for their contribution.  I would mention something to your parents about how you feel uncomfortable that it seems like they are getting all the credit.  Maybe from now on they can make it clear to anyone that mentions the wedding that his parents were also very helpful.

Post # 7
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I second that a long heartfelt thank you note and conversation of appreciation/love will go a long way to making them feel good.  In the long run the fact that their daughter in law loves them is way more important than such things as credit and it sounds like they see it that way too.  There’s more than one way to get ‘credit’.  But I too would not explicitely apologize, just let your actions show your appreciation for you.

And I would comment to your parents about how you feel bad about the way things turned out/looked.

Post # 8
529 posts
Busy bee

Third to the long heartfelt note, and suggesting to your parents that they send one, too. In laws might appreciate a semi-public acknowledgement – at their house for a holiday or something, of how appreciative you and DH were of all their help and support (no need to mention specifics!)

Post # 9
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think the heartfelt talk (and you could even mention how badly you feel) is good. I’m sure your wedding and not the acknowledgment is what’s important to them, so you could let them know how thankful you are for their contribution, and how wonderful it made your wedding. A nice wedding album or pictures never hurt, either!

Post # 10
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with the heartfelt note from you to your new ILs. I would also suggest that you have a conversation with your parents about the way the whole thing was handled b/c it does seem kind of underhanded. Not saying that your parents are the type to dupe people on a regular basis. Maybe your husband’s parents can help with the down payment on your first home or something like that.

Although…if they are REALLY OK with paying half and not just doing so to keep the peace…that’s awesome.

Post # 11
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Have you spoken to your parents about this? I know you said they avoid the conversation, but maybe you can kind of put your foot down and talk to them.  Even if your ILs are agreeing to cover the entire thing, this still warrants some kind of frank conversation.

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