Post # 1
DH and I were lucky enough to have our parents pay for our wedding and we are very appreciative. However, the actual splitting of the bill between parents has worked out rather awkwardly.
Over a year ago, his parents brought up paying for the wedding. They wanted to split everything down the middle – reception, ceremony, rehearsal dinner, everything. They explained that they would give my parents complete control over all of the decisions, but wanted to contribute the same financial amount as my parents. This conversation came up multiple times and each time my parents said that they wanted to pay for everything except for the rehearsal dinner, but that they would finalize who pays for what “later”. It was all very vague and my parents seemed as though they just did not want to talk about it.
The wedding rolled around and DH’s parents still did not know what they were paying for. They kind of assumed they were just paying for the rehearsal dinner, but were overall confused as to what was actually happening. Multiple comments were made by others, both in conversation and toasts, implying that my parents hosted the reception.
Well, now it’s time to pay, and my parents are having DH’s parents pay half! I feel really uncomfortable about how shady this seems. My parents repeatedly avoided the conversation, made ALL the decisions, took the credit for hosting, and then handed DH’s parents a bill. DH’s parents are amazing people and appear not to mind. They have not said anything negative about this arrangement and, really, they did want to pay half all along. However, they received ZERO credit from any of the guests and were allowed ZERO input on any decisions (how were they supposed to speak up about something they disliked if they did not know whether or not they were paying for it?)
So now I feel awful and do not know what to do. I guess there is nothing I can do, other than explain to my parents how awkward and uncomfortable this is. Should I apologize to DH’s parents? Any advice?
Post # 3
Note – even though it says our wedding was Jan 1, that’s just because this is a “fake” account to remain anonymous. The actual wedding was a few weeks ago.
Post # 4
Maybe send a very long thank you card thanking them so much for their input. You saying how happy you are to have them as your new parents would probably make them feel a lot better about it. Your parents should probably send a note too. 🙂
Post # 5
Yeah, i don’t think you can have your cake and eat it, too (aka you cannot “host” the wedding in public, then secretly say “yeah, we paid half”). However, if DH’s parents are okay with it, it’s their business. However, I’d have DH find out FOR SURE if they are okay with this. If they truly wanted to contribute a financial portion, depsite the fact your parents WANTED to host the entire wedding, maybe they could help you with a down payment or something. I think your parents acted a little sneakily and not very fairly. But DH’s parents sound like they WANT to contribute…perhaps to you two, that’d be the way to go. If you’re uncomfortable, you should definitely say something (i know I would) but if DH’s parents don’t mind in the end, you can’t force them not to. I’d just want to be really, really sure they were okay with it, that they didn’t feel swindled and are trying to be peaceful by just cutting a check.
Post # 6
I would not apologize to them if they seem not to really mind. You could just end up making this into a bigger issue when it might not in fact be an issue at all for them. I like the idea of you and your parents sending a nice thank you to his parents for their contribution. I would mention something to your parents about how you feel uncomfortable that it seems like they are getting all the credit. Maybe from now on they can make it clear to anyone that mentions the wedding that his parents were also very helpful.
Post # 7
I second that a long heartfelt thank you note and conversation of appreciation/love will go a long way to making them feel good. In the long run the fact that their daughter in law loves them is way more important than such things as credit and it sounds like they see it that way too. There’s more than one way to get ‘credit’. But I too would not explicitely apologize, just let your actions show your appreciation for you.
And I would comment to your parents about how you feel bad about the way things turned out/looked.
Post # 8
Third to the long heartfelt note, and suggesting to your parents that they send one, too. In laws might appreciate a semi-public acknowledgement – at their house for a holiday or something, of how appreciative you and DH were of all their help and support (no need to mention specifics!)
Post # 9
I think the heartfelt talk (and you could even mention how badly you feel) is good. I’m sure your wedding and not the acknowledgment is what’s important to them, so you could let them know how thankful you are for their contribution, and how wonderful it made your wedding. A nice wedding album or pictures never hurt, either!
Post # 10
I agree with the heartfelt note from you to your new ILs. I would also suggest that you have a conversation with your parents about the way the whole thing was handled b/c it does seem kind of underhanded. Not saying that your parents are the type to dupe people on a regular basis. Maybe your husband’s parents can help with the down payment on your first home or something like that.
Although…if they are REALLY OK with paying half and not just doing so to keep the peace…that’s awesome.
Post # 11
Have you spoken to your parents about this? I know you said they avoid the conversation, but maybe you can kind of put your foot down and talk to them. Even if your ILs are agreeing to cover the entire thing, this still warrants some kind of frank conversation.