(Closed) Awkward: how to request money rather than gifts

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 32
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Little poems saying “we want money” in a roundabout way are the most common thing in the world here. Since most people live together before they’re married and already either have all they need or would rather buy furniture or another big and necessary item, most couples resort to little poems to ask for money without seeming rude. Hardly anyone uses wedding registries.

Personally, I don’t think asking for money is rude at all. It saves me from having to guess what they might want and risk getting it completely wrong so I’m happy, they get to buy what they want so they’re happy, it’s perfect. Weddings usually involve presents and while I think it’s rude to expect presents it’s also prudent to anticipate people will want to give you something. Asking for money is, IMO, no different than having a wedding registry – a way to avoid countless sets of steak knives! 🙂 

OP, am I right to assume you’re Czech? I’m Slovenian so maybe we’re culturally closer. I don’t know whether most couples in Czech Republic use registries or not but just in case they don’t (like here), not having one may not send the message you wish to send and you could end up with dozens of steak knives of wine glasses. I really think honesty is the best policy. Why beat about the bush? Well-meaning people will most likely understand your request. 

Post # 33
Member
3646 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@ZebraPrintMe:  Running around like a headless chicken? No, as a guest in polite society I am invited only to weddings of people I really know and care about, and it’s not a burden to place a phone call for a chat about a possible gift.

Besides, really–do you think that the humans attending a wedding are so stupid that they cannot figure out cash is always appreciated? The OP in this and every thread like it on the WB wants complete control over what people give her and wants to dictate that in a way that takes the least time for her, in writing, on the invitation.

Too many things wrong with that. But I have not doubt that it goes on all the time.

Post # 34
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

We are definitely planning on beer & wine only, for more than one reason.

  • We are beer & wine people by nature; don’t drink liquor often, so we feel it represents us better anyway.
  • It’ll save a ton of money, of course. Plus, we’re hoping to see what can be done about having Flying Dog provide the beer at some sort of a discount, as Future Father-In-Law partnered with them to design/produce a beer with them a few years ago. They’re FI’s all-time favorite brewery!
  • We don’t want too many blacked-out guests. I have heard horror stories about guests drunkenly causing issues that ultimately ruin the bride & groom’s experience. I.e. drunkenly pulling the fire alarm, thus creating a huge water damage bill from the sprinklers; in-laws physically fighting; last minute confessions of disapproval regarding the marriage… I can’t imagine the disappointment. Plus, I’d be pissed if we spent so much money on an event that people ended up drinking so much they couldn’t remember. 

Post # 35
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@MsGinkgo:  +1. Don’t mention gifts. If you are broke, then you should appreciate anything that people choose to give you. I personally hate cash bars because guests shouldn’t be required to pick up the slack for what their hosts cannot afford. Provide what you can but don’t ask your guests to supplement.

If I was asked for money and had to but my own drinks, I wouldn’t be attending. That’s just my 2 cents though.

Post # 36
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@prahajess:  a friend of mine said “no boxed gifts” on her invitations. I think most people either gave them cash or gift certificates. 

Personally, I would never have a cash bar. go with beer and wine only instead of a cash bar if you can. 

Post # 37
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree not to put anything on the invitations. You might want to spread the word through family in a more informal way. Definitely don’t register either.

Annnnd here comes an unpopular opinion! Personally, I’d have the open bar. In my culture/situation it would be straight up INSULTING to my family and friends if I didn’t. However, if in your circle it’s an acceptable practice, go for it. My family and I have NEVER been to a cash bar wedding and my family would harbour it against me for the rest of my life. Seriously.

Post # 38
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

@prahajess:  You said most people would be coming from different countries, so maybe they will end up bringing you cash anyway since it would be a hassle to carry any usual wedding gifts on a plane.

Post # 39
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

 

I’ve had 4 friends/relatives get married that tried in different ways to steer guests towards giving money. 

1) Two couples made no mention of gifts or a registry on their invitation but then proceeded to spend months posting almost daily about how much the wedding was costing.  Going so far as to breakdown how much everything was per guest and how much they needed for the honeymoon.  Adding things like ‘Hint hint lol :)’ The 🙂 doesn’t make it not tacky!  

2) Relatives who recenty bought a fix-er-uper house before their wedding registered at Home depot but if people called, their mother would mention a cash gift would help greatly if they didn’t want to go the registry route.  This worked only because it was just family invited so the MOB already knew the people and could speak honestly without awkwardness. Based on what I saw, the great majority of people brought cards instead of gifts. 

3) My favorite were two college classmates.   They used honeyfund or something similar.  I enjoyed getting to pick out the activities or dinners I could treat them to on their modest honeymoon.  It felt like I was giving money but it also more special than that. 

Post # 40
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@prahajess:  I have seen “no boxed gifts, please” on invitations before.  

Post # 41
Member
2514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Around my neck of the woods, you don’t mention gifts at all.  If you register, the wedding party/family can spread the word if people ask (and they usually do.)  And those same people can say quietly spread the word that you are saving for x and cash would be greatly appreciated. 

I’ve never been to a cash bar wedding.  It would never cross my mind to anticipate one and bring $ (I don’t usually bring much in my purse to a wedding – if I bring one at all!)  I’d like a head’s up that it is a cash bar so I can be properly prepared.  But that may be a very personal thing, since I hate carrying cash as well as carrying a purse.

Post # 42
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

We just didnt register. Of course you are still bound to get a few gifts (picture frames, pans, etc.) I believe we had 7 actual gifts to open and the rest were all cards. Its also nice not having to haul extra stuff back from the venue.  

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