Post # 1
The other night, I had gone over to stay with my ILs because I had a doctor appointment the next day, Darling Husband couldn’t get the time off work, so it was just me – a sort of training for me having to stay with them before the birth of our baby in February (we live on an island, so have to travel to the mainland for doctor appointments and I will have to be there for appr 6 weeks prior to birth).
Father-In-Law had been away for a couple of nights a week ago and Mother-In-Law was telling me how scared she gets staying by herself, and that she always goes and stays with her mother or sisters if Father-In-Law is away. Father-In-Law asked her jokingly what she will do if he dies first. Her reply was “Well I’d go an live with Cariad and our son!” She said this in complete and utter seriousness. I tried to turn it into a joke saying “Ah you’re a big girl now – you’ll be fine! I love those nights when Darling Husband goes away, I can watch what I like without him complaining that he hates girly films etc, Hahaha…” She got really upset and asked me why I would not want her to live with us. Awkward moment, I tried to wrangle out of it by saying “If you came to live with us you’d be far away from all your friends and family on an island where you’d only know us – you’d hate it anway, and when we go to the UK for a month every year – what would you do?” Her reply was “Well I’d expect you not to go, you can’t leave me by myself!”. Father-In-Law was looking on embarrased with the whole situation. I eventually brushed the whole thing aside and made it quite clear that this conversation is being taken as a light-hearted joke from her side. I’ve not spoken to Darling Husband about this yet, but I think we will need to clear this up eventually
I am now certain I never ever want to move to a bigger house – no spare bedroom, no Mother-In-Law. Her side of the family tend to live well into their 90s (her grandparents died at 95 and 98, whilst her parents are still going strong), whilst FIL’s side make it to late 60s to mid-70s. Bare in mind their good 8 year age gap, that could mean that in 5 years we’d have Mother-In-Law moving in with us and staying for 35-odd years. She is a lot of work, and is not an easy person to have around, and I’d imagine it would get a hell of a lot worse in old age.
Anybody got any great ideas on how to deal with this if it crops up again? And before anyone asks I am 95% certain she is serious – she doesn’t really “get” jokes and never makes any herself.
Post # 3
@Cariad: I feel your pain. My husband’s parents also have an expectation that they will move in with us at some point. I’ve told my husband that his parents are never living in my house (I don’t hate them, but I’m not close with them and I need my own personal space), but he still hasn’t conveyed that to them. I guess I don’t have much advice except that you should strongly encourage your husband to have a serious talk with his parents about what will happen as they get older.
Post # 4
I’ve had this exact concern as well. Father-In-Law is not well and SO is an only child and is REALLY close with his mom. I really don’t think I could handle it and worry about it all the time even though it’s years away. I know people used to do these kinds of things all the time but I’m just not cool with it. At all. I’m happy to give her money and support and time but not in our home!! No way to resolve it though. What if it was your mom, you know?
Post # 5
@nushka: My parents have always stated that they would point-blank refuse to move in with any of us kids, especially if they required assited living, because they do not want us, their kids, to wash and clean them – they srongly feel that’s the role of a parent or a professional. I will bring it up with Darling Husband and lay down my feelings, which I am certain will mirror mine after a conversation we had recently where he said that he would not even consider living in the same village as any of our parents, let alone the same building, after seeing how over-involved his brother’s in-laws are in his day to day life (BIL’s ILs live in an apartment below them – any telling off they give the kids is cancelled out as the kids run downstairs to the grandparents or the grandparents come upstairs to see what the fuss is about, as well as his wife Brother-In-Law and SIL can’t have an argument without the ILs getting involved and taking SIL’s side).
This may sound horrible, but I kinda hope that Mother-In-Law will be first to go for this very reason, or at least a sister of hers looses a husband around the same time and they can move in together – I’m going to get struck with lightning for voicing that I’m sure…
Post # 6
Hmm I’m on the other side of this, when my mom gets too old to take care of herself, she’s coming to live with us. My family is Chinese, so it might be a cultural thing. I think the only way to talk about it, would be through your Fiance. Parents can get very touchy/hurt about their children rejecting them, especially if it’s a daughter/son in law.
Because of this potential rift, I told my Fiance (then boyfriend) that if he wanted to be in a relationship with me, that this was part of the deal. My mom is very easy to live with though, she does her own thing and like her alone time. Plus she’s not too nosy or opinionated as long as it’s not her money. I would discuss this now, you don’t want to wait until your Mother-In-Law has her bags packed and is on her way over. Best of luck!
Post # 7
Yikes! This is super hard. I’m not sure what I would do, but NO way could I let either set of parents go to a nursing home if I’m able to still care for them. Most likely I would either build a mother in law apartment off the house or buy them a house down the street.
But realistically, I don’t know that I would be able to live with any of our parents for long! They all run their households so differently than I do. I also wouldn’t be okay with bathing parents or really intense care. I tell my parents that I hope they’re saving their pennies for the fancy retirement home.
Post # 8
@Cariad: Uh… yikes! Have you talked to Darling Husband about it?
Post # 9
Have your husband tell his mother that now is not the time for that discussion and that you’ll discuss it after the baby is born. Do not make light of it in the future since she may not I understand the tone.
Post # 10
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Considering that you have the Mother-In-Law who opened your wedding gifts…hell to the no. Talk to Darling Husband *immediately* about this. And- *HE* needs to be the one to sit down with his parents and have the talk about their plans for the future.
Post # 11
Let your Darling Husband handle it. Given that he feels the same way as you, it shouldn’t be a problem (or at least not your problem).
Post # 12
@rebwana: Is this in a previous threAd? Dannnng.
Shut it down.
Post # 13
Maybe I’m the odd one out… but I feel like my parents have done soooo much for me and I wouldnt have a problem if one of them needed to come and stay with us. Same with FH’s parents. Though, once it got to the point where they needed professional care – they would definitely be moving to a nursing home/assisted living facility.
Post # 14
I know how you feel and I’m wondering how to deal with that too, if the time ever comes. Fiance moved back home 4 years ago bc his step father died so he wanted to help her out and make sure she was okay. Now she’s totally dependent on him and I swear she thinks hes her replacement husband sometimes. I also know the reason we havent moved in together is because he’s been afraid to leave her alone. She’s not old and totally capable of doing things on her own, but she plays the “old fashioned woman” that needs a man for everything.
So… I’m not fond of her because of all this and how it’s delayed OUR relationship, and I know he would jump on letting her move in with us if she ever needed to, and I’m just not having it!
Post # 15
I’ll be following this thread because I could be in the same situation soon. SO’s mother has no savings and spends every penny on her daughter. Once she retires she will have nothing and SO’s sister will refuse to take care of her (long story). For now my SO says he’d rather pay to put his mom in a home – but he is a softie and his mom knows how to work guilt trips on him. :/
Post # 16
Oh, this is a tough one!
Your hubs definitely needs to have a word with her to make her understand that it is not happening. Especially not now that you’re having kids and all.
Luckily my Mother-In-Law is pretty chilled.