Awkward parents

posted 3 months ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
6871 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Offer them the number of a good black car service and be done with it. They’re grown-ups and you’ve done more than enough.

Post # 3
Member
6393 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh golly. They sound like hard work. Your wedding location is totally ‘normal’. Most people would book a lovely hotel and have a super weekend. But you’re dealing with weirdness quite frankly. 

I cant see what you should do really. You’re not suggesting or doing anything out of the ordinary. Leave them to their own arrangements. If they make sarky comments just say “oh I agree, it’s a shame you can’t enjoy yourselves on our special day” 

Post # 4
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Your location is just fine. They’re being absolutely weird and ridiculous. But you have given them plenty of generous and reasonable options and I guess you can’t stop them being weird and ridiculous if they want to be. If they want to complain about the driving you can calmly remind then that it was entirely their own choice to drive back on the same day. They don’t get to put that on you. For the walking down the aisle though, can’t they just come a little early to where you are getting ready and follow you to the ceremony?

Post # 5
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

Maybe you can find them a nice camping for the campervan? Then they can come a day or so earlier and wont need to leave on the day.

Although I get the feeling that you suspect this is more about you not having a Christian wedding then anything else. Not much you can do about that but have a heart on heart with your parents (or maybe just your mum because she seems to be doing al the talking).

Maybe involving them more might make them warm more to the idea of a wedding? You don’t have to let them decide things for you but just listening to there input might make them feel more included. If your mum still has stuff from her wedding maybe ask if you can use it in yours (like adding a ribbon from her wedding dress to your bouquet). Small little gestures like that don’t need to invade on the wedding you want but can make them feel like you care about them even though you might not agree with their religion.  

Post # 6
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Oh dear, that would be quite disappointing, and very strange. Is there a way to make the campervan option work so at least they won’t be driving the whole round trip? 

Otherwise, I would try a heart to heart about how much this all means to you including their support and desire to be there for you on this big day without making things more awkward and difficult.

Post # 7
Member
9694 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

This seems like a lotta passive aggression re you not having a “Christian” wedding. In quotes because they certainly aren’t acting like Christians. 

 

Post # 8
Member
1807 posts
Buzzing bee

One last time, pour out your heart about how much you want them there, mention again how they can stay over at your place (which should be a perfect option) . And don’t talk about the lack of a church wedding. Then drop the subject, once you mom has heard this. The final decision is up to them. If she whines to you some more, deflect the subject by telling her it is up to them to decide what they are doing. 

If they do want to be there they will come. If they really don’t care, they will offer an excuse, saying it is just too inconvenient. Your mom might enjoy seeing you sweat. The decision is theirs after all.

Post # 9
Member
1630 posts
Bumble bee

I would drop it for now.  Your wedding is an entire year away (or 11ish months, I guess).  You don’t need to know right now where he’ll meet you on the day to walk you down the aisle.  Technically, you don’t even need to know until the day of IF he is even walking you down the aisle, unless you have someone else in mind if he doesn’t want to do it.  If he’s there, he’ll walk you down the aisle.  If he’s not, you’re a grown woman and it’s perfectly acceptable to walk the aisle yourself (or with your future spouse or anyone you darn like).  And the logistics of their transportation is their issue, not yours.  You can’t change them or fix them.  And you don’t need to know a year in advance how they plan to make it happen.

Sometime closer to the wedding, you can say one more time “Here are the details.  It would mean a lot for you to be there.  Dad, I would love if you would walk me down the aisle.  You can stay in my place if you want to that night or I have found this camping ground if you want to drive down in the camper van or this hotel if you don’t like either of those there.  Let me know if you decide to attend the wedding.”

Post # 10
Member
60 posts
Worker bee

rad2017 :  Oh my, I know exactly what you are talking about, but from another side! My sister really wanted to make her mother in law(MIL) happy for her birthday, and has scraped down 400 EUR to buy two tickets for a concert of her lifelong beloved singer. But her MIL said she wouldn’t go, because that would include traveling 500 km by train (very comfortable train, which was paid for) and spending two nights in a hotel (very nice hotel, which was also paid for). So thats A LOT of money for nothing. 

Older family members feel entitled to make a fuss over their own comfort. There are many people who still think that wedding is for family, and it’s a way for a bride and groom to honor THEM, not the other way around. 

I can’t tell you what to do. If my parents would act like that, I’d say “I’m sorry this is not convenient for you, but this is our wedding, it’s the happiest day of my life – don’t ruin it. I have proposed a solution, so please help me to make it work and don’t play hard to please.” They are adults, and this is supposed to be convenient for YOU and your fiance. Not for the guests, not even the parents. 

Post # 11
Member
60 posts
Worker bee

One more thing – two years ago, my best friend was getting married. Her parents paid for the wedding, and so her mother felt entitled to micromanage every single detail and provide her opinion on everything. 

She called her daughter 100 times a day discussing the decor, church, guestlist, everything, tried to enforce her own preference and disagreed pretty much with everything her daughter wanted, probably just to feel important and included. 

Without her daughters consent, she chose and prepaid for a venue and wedding rings. 

The last straw was when she said the wedding dress looks like something people are buried in. When she called the next day and said it was inconvenient for her to pick up the flowers (she pretty much wanted to manage everything but help with nothing), and wanted to force her to last minute uninvate some people she didn’t like, her daughter uninvited her to the wedding if she can’t keep her mouth shut. My friend is a quiet, submissive, introverted person – yet she told me she would not have her wedding ruined, and would rather take a loan and pay for it herself, than have her mother be such a horrible person. Her mother learned the lesson and saved the comments for her husband and friends. 

A year later she met me at the mall and told me I look fat and worn. Such a sweatheart….

Post # 12
Member
3914 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

rad2017 :  At this point, it just seems like your mom is being purposely difficult and coming up with a host of different reasons that this is inconvenient for them. What I would do is this: Present each option to them (stay over night, drive round trip, go to the train station, hire a car service) and then let them decide. Stop investing time and energy into making them be happy and excited for you. We had people who gladly flew in on the morning of our wedding and flew out the morning afterwards just to be with us on the big day. If your parents can’t set aside their own quirks for their daughter’s wedding, then I don’t know. These aren’t people I’d be devoting a lot of my attention to. 

So, like I said, present her all the options and then let it go. Express that your wedding plans are set and you’re sorry it’s not convenient for them, but that’s the end of it. 

Post # 13
Member
267 posts
Helper bee

Oh my god, that is ridiculous! Just to make you feel better, my wedding is 12 hours from my hometown! 12! You have done nothing out of line here.

Post # 14
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

First, really not nice to call your parents awkward.  They have their strong religious beliefs and they should be respected just as you want respect from them.

My guess is that they are not excited about this wedding because you put the cart before the horse (they think) by living together before marriage . They may think what’s the point of all this fuss.  They already live together- go to a judge and make it official.  

Your parents are getting older and it really is “a thing” that olders do lose driving confidence.

Would it be so hard to have an easier to get to place as the wedding venue?  If not you need to just accept that your choices have made them less enthusiastic and they will make up excuses not to be there.

They are your parents.  Find patience, acceptance and respect for them.  

Post # 15
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

palebluepetals :  First, really not nice to call your parents awkward.  They have their strong religious beliefs and they should be respected just as you want respect from them.

No, if they don’t want to make the effort to get a 2 hour train to see their daughter get married purely because she lived with her SO before marriage then their opinion does not need to be respected. 

Religious beliefs should be respected when they aren’t forced on other people. 

 

Would it be so hard to have an easier to get to place as the wedding venue? 

The wedding venue is where OP lives, that should not be an inconvenience for people, least of all her parents.  She is offering to pick them up from the station and host them at her home, how much easier could she make it?  Why would making all the other guests travel to her parents be an easier option? 

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