Awkward situation relating to FH's colleague

posted 2 weeks ago in Weddingbee
Post # 2
6448 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Does he give your husband gifts? does he start messages with your husband?  If they aren’t inappropriate messages to you in some form – be it that he’d prefer to contact you instead of his friend, or that the messages themselves are out of line – then I don’t think you have a leg to stand on and sound a little nutty.  The most I would do is suggest that he include all three of you in the thread instead of just you and him.  That said, if you don’t want to engage in the conversation, you don’t have to respond.  

Post # 4
8777 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

elfbee :  Just don’t answer the chats. If he asks about it (which he probably won’t), say “oh I don’t use that very often.” Doesn’t seem like it needs to be a big deal.

Post # 6
1541 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Bee if you’re feeling uncomfortable, there’s nothing wrong with expressing that.  The next time he contacts you just start the convo like this:

You: Dude, I don’t know if I’m reading more into this or not but it just feels like you’re putting extra attention toward me and its making me uncomfortable.  I don’t want to hurt your feelings and if I’m wrong I apologize but could you please back off a bit?  

Then take a wait and see approach.  

Here’s the thing bee… and FH don’t really know this guy or his intentions.  His behavior is concerning.  He might just want to make you his bestie or he might actually be interested in you. I will say in my experience taking the direct approach usually puts the kabosh on the unwanted behavior, even if you’re embarrased.  I wouldn’t put anything past him and I wouldn’t accept anymore gifts from him.

Good luck

Post # 7
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

elfbee :  You don’t like it but you feel it would be rude to say anything? But yet your husband wants to have a word with him and you don’t want him to because it may cause problems with them two (because they work closely together). Are you kidding me. It makes you feel uncomfortable. So much so that you told your husband and your here telling us. Don’t you think this guy is being rude? You better put a stop to this now before he really crosses the line.

Post # 8
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

elfbee :  Do you feel like he may be into you and that’s what is making you uncomfortable? Or do you think that he just really likes you and your company platonically but you just don’t like him as much, therefore don’t feel like talking to him or spending as much time with him as he wants to with you, and that’s making you feel uncomfortable? 

Either way I understand your hesitation and indecisiveness, if you think he may be into you but he’s never actually crossed that line, it’s difficult to decide what to do. You or your husband could talk to him and he could just deny interest and then you look bad and things are weird. If you just don’t really like him that’s never an easy conversation to have and hurt someone’s feelings, especially if they’re nice just not your cup of tea.

i can’t really give you advice without knowing how you feel about him and the situation though.

Post # 9
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

So, he gave you a present on your birthday and Christmas? Usually, people give presents for those occasions. 

If you feel uncomfortable, then you should bring it up to him at the moment you feel uncomfortable. If the behavior continues, then your FH can talk to him in private. 

Post # 10
127 posts
Blushing bee

I really don’t understand some of the responses on here. A lot of Bees are saying that you sound wrong, nutty or whatever for feeling uncomfortable?! Um, no. Sorry but you can’t be wrong for feeling uncomfortable! That’s not a cool way to treat any person who doesn’t feel good about a behavior. You’re allowed to not like something someone is doing to you! 

Honestly, I *do* think it’s weird that he’s gifting you presents if he’s just your husbands work friend especially since he’s hanging around solely you a lot. The mention of him following you around at company gatherings when FH is doing other things definitely did make me feel weird for you. 

Besides, most women are very aware of social things (because we have had to be) and you probably are getting a vibe you don’t like. I would consider either weaning your communication with him down by saying you don’t use the app much, making a few excuses not to hang out here and there or just being honest. 

It is perfectly fine to be honest with other people when they are making you uncomfortable.

Post # 11
1934 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

elfbee :  my husband’s friend has somewhat become my friend too because he comes over to our house but I do not expect a birthday or Christmas gift from him and would be weirded out if I got one, my husband receives a gift and the only way I’m benefitting is if it’s edible. My friend has also become friends with my husband and she did get him a Christmas present but it was from the kiddos and it was Christmas socks that the eldest has picked out. She buys us joint presents (usually food and alcohol to share) because we buy her kids presents, that’s the only reason. The gift tags are also made out to both of us, with the exception of his Christmas socks this year. So I do think it’s weird that your husband’s colleague is buying you gifts – even if he is also buying your husband gifts.

For the WhatsApp conversation, is your husband in the group or is he just messaging you? If he’s just messaging you, you should message him to say it’s inappropriate behind yours husband’s back and all communication should remain in the group chat.

Have you considered offering to set him up with someone or help with setting up a dating profile? If you find him a partner, they likely won’t be happy with the amount of attention he’s showing you.

Post # 13
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

elfbee :  I would completely stop replying to him on Whats app, just ignore his messages, and if he asks if you’ve got his messages I’d tell him you’d rather stick to messages in the group chat as you don’t feel comfortable messaging another guy privately as an engaged woman. If he does have a crush on you, that should make it clear. 

Post # 14
129 posts
Blushing bee

always show ALL his messages to hubby and let him deal with his colleagues. If even then the frequency and type of messages don’t change (asking you if you saw his other msgs, really? Is he your boyfriend?) respond in writing that you are not comfortable with this and stay away. Remove yourself from the other whatsapp group right now. 

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