Awkward situation relating to FH's colleague

posted 2 weeks ago in Weddingbee
Post # 16
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

elfbee :  I agree with you. The messages and following you around May be little off. Whether it is coming from a place of creepiness or not, if you feel uncomfortable, then you feel uncomfortable. 

I brought up the presents portion because, personally, I don’t see anything wrong with that, but again if it made you uncomfortable, you can’t help that and it’s valid. 

If you don’t want to bring it up the moment you feel uncomfortable then have Darling Husband handle it. I’m just saying this because you mentioned that this man is DH’s good friend. 

Post # 17
Member
1483 posts
Bumble bee

Just don’t engage with him.

 

Post # 18
Member
6031 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Why does he get to make you uncomfortable, but you have to eat your words because they might make him uncomfortable?

I would tell him “I don’t prefer to receive private messages from you. We can communicate on the group chat.”

I’m also the kind of person who would say “What are you staring at? You’re acting creepy.” even in a joking or playful way can get your point made.

Post # 20
Member
6093 posts
Bee Keeper

I’d start backing away. There is no need for you two to have private chats, and really, the wife of a colleague doesn’t even need to be in a group chat. I’d probably let your fi continue working with him but cut personal ties. 

Post # 21
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

At this point I think you and Fh Should slowly phase out of being friends with this guy outside of work. It isn’t worth it. This guy is a creep and he is purposely using your kindness and politeness against you. Guys who do crap like this count on the victim giving them the benefit of the doubt and not wanting to look rude. He knows what he is doing. If any of my fiancé’s friends or coworkers tried to have a side chat with me and give me gifts and ask why I wasn’t replying to them? he would shut that down ASAP regardless of how closely they worked. 

Block this guy off your what’s app. And block him anywhere else he can actively message you to ask why you haven’t responded. You can also automatically add your fiancé to each private chat or text he tries to send you. That sends a pretty clear message. If he asks about it to your fiancé he can tell this guy that it isn’t appropriate for him to be contacting you privately. Period. 

The next work event you attend have your fiancé stick with you. If that guy follows you around you or your fiancé can turn to him and say, hey (coworker name) we will catch you later, going to go talk to x now. Use visiting ending lines like that on him. It’s a pretty clear cue. If he follows you around, go up to a group you do know and turn your back to this coworker. If he tries to talk to you turn around and say, I’m sorry x but I’m visiting with these people now, see you later. Or variations on turning to him and saying, can I help you? Make it clear your not interested in him following you. 

Remember, like someone said above, you shouldn’t be worrying about embarrassing him or making him uncomfortable at the expense of your own comfort. Your desire to not make waves with this guy is the unfortunate side effect of a society that trains women to be polite at their own expense and safety. It doesn’t have to be that way and you can stand up against that steriotype. 

elfbee :  

Post # 22
Member
842 posts
Busy bee

First of all, I seriously cannot believe someone said you were nutty for feeling uncomfortable. That is so fucked up. 

Second, you are under no obligation to have any contact with this guy if you do not want to. Don’t answer his messages. Block if you need or want to. Shut him down and do not feel guilty about it. 

Post # 23
Member
295 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

elfbee :  I don’t think you should get your husband to talk to him.  If he is a creep and is interested in you, that might tell him that he’s getting in between your relationship and he might ramp up the behaviour (I know he’s not – saying he might think this from his perspective)

I would just call him out every time he does something that makes you uncomfortable.  Messages you privately?  Write back “I don’t feel comfortable having a private message conversation” If he’s staring “why are you staring?”  If he’s following you around “why are you following me around?  The guys are over there *points*”

Post # 24
Member
44 posts
Newbee

Stop replying on Whatsapp.

If he pesters you, let your SO talk to him. 

Post # 25
Member
3672 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I would be uncomfortable with this too, but I would also not be totally comfortable with Fiance bringing it up because it’s all so subtle. I would ignore ALL private messages, even the follow-ups. If you want to reply in the group message, you can but I’d be tempted to disengage entirely and back off from the friendship. 

Does he buy your partner birthday and Christmas gifts as well? If he does, I would leave that alone. If he doesn’t, next time he give you a gift, I would say “Look what NAME got us babe! Lets open it together!” (I would tell your guy you’re going to do this first though!). Hopefully that will signal to him that you assume these are couple gifts and will hopefully purchase accordingly next time. If he objects and says it’s just for you, then you can comment and say that you’re not really comfortable accepting gifts from a man other than your partner.  

Post # 26
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

elfbee :  If you are feeling uncomfortable, which you clearly are then say something.

It would be fine if you guys developed a friendship, I am very close with many of my husbands friends and consider his best friends one of my own again so we not only constantly chat but hang out solo etc but this is not the case here

And it doesn’t sound like you really want to develop a friendship so I get why this rubs you the wrong thing, its one thing if you shared a joke or a story or read the same book and then he sent something pertaining to that.. but to constantly message you about nothing when you are not friends is indeed a bit much

Also bday gifts??? Most of my husbands best friends who I love dont get me anything except wine or champagne when I used to do bigger bdays and invite everyone.. 

 

Post # 27
Member
626 posts
Busy bee

elfbee :  

I feel your pain – I have been on the receiving end of this kind of inappropriate behaviour.

In my experience, the absolute best way to handle it was to starve it of attention. Don’t respond to the WhatsApp messages or do so only occasionally in a very curt manner. He will soon stop messaging you.

Don’t talk to him alone. Ask your fiance to stand with you if he talks to you. Perhaps ask your fiance to be extra affectionate in front of him. Be cool to this guy. I would even turn down his gifts as soon as they are given. “Thank you so much, but there was really no need.” A bit of this and he should hopefully get the hint. It is going to entail cooling your friendship with him, though.

Otherwise, you could take a more direct approach. When he messages you/gives you a gift, say “Sorry, but this is making me uncomfortable. Please don’t.” If he doesn’t listen to you, then ask your fiance to talk to him.

Post # 28
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

There’s definitely a difference between friendly messaging and creepy behavior.  I would politely ask him to stop or tell him you would prefer to communicate on the group text and ignore the private messages if they’re not necessary.  But at this point, I don’t think there would be any necessary private communication.  If that doesn’t stop after you’ve asked, you might want to get your FH involved.  You’ve been upfront with your FH with how it makes you feel and if you’ve tried to manage the situation and the guy doesn’t get the picture, he may need to say something.  My FH texts with my friends and family and I text with his but early on, we always included the other in the text.  I can’t imagine his buddies texting me about personal stuff though.  Usually it’s making plans or them sending me jokes or memes or something like that.  

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