(Closed) B List??

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
788 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

We are grappling with the same dilemma. My extended family is massive. I am the youngest first cousin on my father’s side, of about 46 first cousins. Our plan is to have two sets of RSVP dates, one for family that lives further away, with a sooner date, and another for closer family/friends, with a later date. That way, when we receive declines, we can send out the second wave. I mean, its lovely to want everyone there, but its not always feasible. I’m praying that our families are laid back and take it well if they receive a second wave invitation.

Post # 4
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

There was a (somewhat heated) thread on this recently – if your family is pretty laid back, I don’t see the harm.  If they are offended, they’ll just say “no” anyway. 

Are these people you can hand-deliver the invite to, maybe with a smile and a “We were able to add more guests at the last minute, I’d love to see you there!” pitch?

Post # 5
13010 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly, I think it looks rude to send invitations to people who will clearly know they weren’t invited in the first round. 

Post # 7
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

At the same time the guests should just be honored to share your big day. 🙂

I will probably be doing the same thing just because we do not want 200+ people.  Our original guest list is 150 and our B list is 50 so depending on how many people decline we will definitely send out to the B list. 

Post # 8
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@abbie017:  Personally, I agree.  We had a B list, but we only ended up having 8 people RSVP that they weren’t coming, and of course, those were the last responses we received, so we didn’t even have time if we wanted to to send out more invites to anybody we considered a “B-Lister.” Plus, it’s just umcomfortable – they’d obviously know they weren’t your first choice, and in my opinion, that’s rude and I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me….. I’d probably think, OH so someone better than me said no and now they’re asking me because they want a gift or they need to fill a seat.  No thanks.  I’d avoid it all together if I were you. 

Post # 9
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

What if you call them and say you didn’t receive the RSVP from them yet and when they say they didn’t get it say you will send them another one? lol

Post # 10
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think it depends on how you do it. If you do it without any comment, someone will almost certainly take offense; it’s like, oh, how about fill out our numbers for us, will you? But if you get the message across (call or message them before you send the invites) that you’re happy to be able to include them –  Oh, we’re so thrilled that we’ll be able to invite you! We were so afraid we wouldn’t be able to, but now we can, yay! — I think they’ll get the point that it was a space issue, and you do really care if they’re there.

Post # 12
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Can you you play my favorite game of “Blame it on the Budget?”  Something to the effect of we really wanted you all to be there originally, but venue constraints/budget constraints just wouldn’t allow for it. Thankfully, some things have opened up and we know its later notice but we would love if you could attend.”

You know your family better than anyone though, and so if they’re normally laid back and understanding, then I think its a fine idea.

Better late than never, right?

Post # 13
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Well, etiquette (aka Miss Manners herself) says that it is not a crime to have a “B” list, only to let someone know he or she is on it.

Because my venue could seat a maximum of 170 people, and my Darling Husband and I have large families, I had a B-list (and structured the timing of my invitations/reply date, etc. accordingly.)  The majority of the people who were on my B-list truly did not know that they were on it. However, I did, indeed, end up committing the “crime” with some friends from church who were NOT originally invited but whom I was able to invite after some extended family members and closer friends declined. With these friends, I simply told them that I would love to invite them and include them, but we have such a big family and I need to see if some family members are not going to be able to join us.  That ended up being the case, and I did end up being able to invite several couples much later in the process than I invited anyone else. They were all thrilled and chose to come, and my wedding was 1.5 hours away from where we live. 

So, all that said, and setting aside the fact that I am one of the bees who is very devoted to following the rules of etiquette (now that I know more of them than I did back then!), I think that if you’re pretty certain these family members and friends would welcome being invited even though they already know they weren’t included in the first round, I would go ahead and invite them.  If they are unable to attend or think your actions seem “gift-grabby,” they are certainly free to decline.

Post # 15
2603 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Let’s see…Your wedding is June 9th? I think that’s a *little* dicey, but not so close to the event that you couldn’t send the invites out and not say anything (provided the RSVP date isn’t like, tomorrow). But you’d have to send TODAY. 

I’m with Brielle/Miss Manners–IF you are going to invite people off the B-list, then they should know that they’re ‘B-list.’ Which actually helps you in the end, because if you think that telling them they’re on the B-list will be offensive to them, then that pretty much tells you who should and should not be invited under these conditions. Some people are cool with it and others would be offended. I know that I’ve certainly got acquaintances that I’d never expect to be invited to their weddings–but if they wanted me to come last minute, I’d joyously accept!

Post # 16
788 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@DrRoberta:  This is pretty much my plan. My family is quite understanding, and really just want to party if they can, so I feel pretty confident that they will be fine with it! I figure, honesty is the best policy. Or, rather, carefully worded honesty is the best policy, lol.

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