Post # 1
Need some help with a difficult situation…
FI’s brother is married with two babies. They live in Georgia, our wedding is in California, where we live. From the very beginning, since we first told them we were engaged & about the wedding, the plan has been that FI’s brother would come but not his wife & the babies. This was for financial reasons, and also because the youngest baby will only be 6 months old at the time of the wedding — it’s a long trip for two babies!
So there was never any possibility that babies would be at the wedding (we have no other friends or family with children). We planned a very adult, intimate, very cocktail-hour evening wedding, in a garden that is somewhat difficult to reach and doesn’t have any accommodations for babies.
We also made arrangments for FI’s immediate family to all stay at my father’s house to save them some money. This is super generous of my Dad, considering he has enough going on with his daughter’s wedding. It’s 4 people and they will fit in the guest rooms, so it’s ok. They are also not planning to rent a car (financial reasons) but 4 people isn’t too much to drive around — my Dad is even taking the Monday after the wedding off work to drive them to the airport!
SOOOOO last Friday, right after the invites go out, FI gets a call from his brother that the WHOLE FAMILY is coming, and asked if they could stay at my Dad’s! I was TOTALLY freaked out!! This is not something we planned for! It would 1) be a huge burden to my Dad to have that many people — including 2 little babies — in his house for the wedding, 2) we would have to figure a new car situation since not everyone would fit in one car anymore, and 3) I DON’T WANT BABIES AT THE WEDDING!!
Let me repeat — I DON’T WANT BABIES AT THE WEDDING! If I had thought this would be a possibility, I would have either planned a different type of wedding or told them from the get-go. I don’t know what to do!!!!
Is this totally rude of them, or am I a bridezilla? Am I cruel? If the babies don’t some, then FSIL cannot come either (as was the original plan). I would honestly rather that she not come and the babies not come. Am I horrible?? I feel so guilty but also freaked out! How do you think we should handle this?
Post # 3
Honestly, I think you’re freaking out a bit and it’s not that big of a deal. Talk to your dad if it’s stressful for him to have them, he might be excited, it’s not for you to decide which way. If it is stressful then encourage your bro to get a hotel room.
Also be honest with your brother about not wanting babies there and if you can work on a babysitter for the evening.
Edit: Whoops, didn’t see that it was FI bro, I thought it was your bro so your dad would be having his grandkids there.
Post # 4
oh no! i totally understand why this change of plans would cause you to freak out. 🙂 i think your fiance has to talk to his brother and explain the situation. he should explain that they can both come to the wedding, but only if they agree to hire a sitter for the babies (since the wedding is adult only), stay in a hotel (because your dad doesn’t have accomidations for 3 extra unplanned people), and rent a car (since your dad doesn’t drive a cargo van). i doubt you future SIL will want to go through the hassel of coming, along with the children, when they realize how much trouble or expense it will be.
Post # 5
Clearly there’s no room for extra adult and two babies at your dad’s house and no room in the car for the extra adult and two car seats so they have no choice but to take on the financial responsibility of getting themselves a room and transportation. That might be enough to prohibit FSIL and babies from coming. Also add the fact that the venue has nothing to accomodate babies (i.e. ho high chairs, no stroller access to ceremony site or whatever). I think you can maybe get around straight up telling them you don’t want babies even though that’s the truth. By making it known that you can’t accommodate them for free with the extra people, it will probably be cost-prohibiitve for them.
Post # 6
You need to have FI tell his brother that: no, the family would not be able to stay at your dad’s house and they would need to find transportation. And then, just leave it at that.
As for the babies at the wedding…. I’m assuming there are no other kids attending, right?
If you don’t want to budge on this and let them bring them to the wedding – what I’d do is let them know it’s an adults only wedding/reception and you’d give them some names of reputable sitters to contact. You could also try to arrange childcare for them or if you have other people in the wedding that are having childcare – see if they wouldn’t mind having 2 more kids in tow….
I’m doing on-site childcare for my nephew and FI’s niece that are about 3 years old…
Post # 7
Well, at least they *asked* if they could stay at your dad’s instead of just announcing they were going to.
So, they asked. You’re going to have to answer “No.” for XYZ reasons (the transportation, the rooms, etc)
If FBIL pushes back on your FI, just explain it them exactly like you did in your original post. That since the original plan was for just FBIL to come, your Dad was generously able to accomodate him. But he can’t with more people and not with children.
Offer several area hotels and maybe a baby-sitting service. That might freak out FSIL enough to not come. If they ask why you gave them information on child care, explain that it is an adults-only reception.
Personally, I would be pissed. It’s just annoying to have deal with something that you already arranged for, especially with your dad being so generous in the process.
I don’t think you’re being a bridezilla yet, just make sure you communicate in a nice, but firm, manner.
Post # 8
I can see why you’d be freaking out since they’re changing their plans. I’d just tell them if they want to come out then that’s fine but obviously there’s not enought room for everyone at the house. Also if I were you I’d try to line up a sitter for the kids. That way they still have the option of coming if they don’t mind the extra expense of a hotel, plus you don’t have to have the kids there.
I think that’s totally reasonable – because it’s not like you make your “no kids” decision thinking they were all going to come. If they change their plans then they have to work around you guys.
Post # 9
Wow. You need to seriously calm down. Have your FI tell him that all your dad’s guest rooms are full so he’ll need to get a hotel room. Why doesn’t your FI or you offer your car to them? I mean it is his brother after all… And I’m sure there is someone/a babysitting service that can watch the children during the wedding.
Post # 10
I understand where you’re coming from… but this is not worth burning a bridge over. They’ll probably end up leaving the wedding early to put the kids to bed. I do think it’s a lot to ask for them to stay with your dad, and you/he should feel free to say no, but be nice about it. Remember that they are willing to deal with the hassle and expense of flying cross-country with two little kids so that they can be there to celebrate your marriage. I COMPLETELY understand why this sudden change in plans would freak you out – no one likes to plan around circumstances that suddenly change – but try to look at it in a positive light, even if they end up not coming (I bet plans might change if they can’t stay at your dad’s/would have to rent a car).
Post # 11
I get that this is a huge surprise and a big difference.
First of all, as a PP said, they did ask if they could all stay at your dads. I would nicely respond that as you said, 4 adults wasn’t bad, but 5 adults and 2 babies simply won’t work. Plus they cannot fit in your dads car anymore so they will need to rent a car. Your dad can’t play shuttle service.
However, I think in terms of the wedding, you just need to let it go. These children are going to be in your life forever. They are your nieces/nephews now. Babies don’t make that much noise and if they do, parents should excuse the children. Explain to them the layout of the ceremony/reception and let them make their own decisions.
You should be honored that they are willing to take that trip to be with you and your husband on your wedding day. Its a big stress for them to travel with 2 small kids and a lot of money.
Post # 12
You are not being unreasonable. I would be freaked out too. However, this is easily handled.
#1 Your FI should tell them that your Dad does not have enough room for that many people. That they can either get a hotel room or stick to the original plan.
#2 Your FI should tell them that this is an adult only event. That you guys will help find them a sitter but no kids. We are having an adults only wedding as well. Not only is it cost effective but it allows us to have the event we truly want. If you want an adults only event then you should have it. It is not a bad thing to say “no children”.
#3 Tell them that with their current plan they will need to rent a car. They should not have yours because with all of the events surrounding a wedding you might need it.
Take a deep breath and don’t worry. Most likely once they understand the situation, the number of people attending will decrease anyway. Remember, this day is about you and your fiance. Don’t let anyone else stress you out.
Post # 13
I think the only thing they did wrong here was to ask to stay at your Dad’s. Clearly that is too much of a burden for him to host an entire family for the whole weekend of his daughters wedding. And now you have to tell them no and it’s going to be awkward for everyone.
But I do think you are overreacting a little. They are immediate family, so if they can possibly come they should. And let the parents figure out how to handle the babies. Don’t let them bog you down with questions and tasks about how to transport them, feed them, etc. etc. Just call and say you are so happy they can all make it and to contact your venue if they have any logistical questions.
Post # 14
Your FI needs to tell his brother that based on the original plan, your father already made arrangements to host other relatives. Now it’s a full house and the wife and kids can’t be accommodated. They will need to make their own arrangements for hotel and transportation. Moreover, the wedding is Adults Only so they’ll need to make arrangements for child care.
Post # 15
I agree with PP that FBIL just needs to be told that there isn’t enough room to accomodate the whole family at your father’s house. But I think if you start that conversation with, “We are SO excited that you all can join us!” it might smooth things over.
As far as “no babies at the wedding”… well, I think it’s reasonable for you or FI to try to find some child care options for the children, at your venue if possible, or a very close hotel if one is available. Please try to understand that because they are from OOT, it would probably be nice if you can get a personal recommendation for childcare (even if none of your friends/famiy have little ones, ask a co worker, or ask your friends- someone has to have a recommedation). Also, is FSIL nursing the baby right now? If so, she still will be (most likely) and so it would be nice if the baby can be nearby. These are your nieces/nephews so even if you don’t have a close relationship with them (and it kind of sounds like you don’t, since the thought of them being near your wedding is freaking you out) then at least you are being gracious for your family. They will appreciate the help, I’m sure.
Most guests- I would say “figure it out yourself” but this is your family. For me, I’m 100% with you on the “no kids at my fancy wedding” train, but I love my little niece to pieces and so I couldn’t imagine not having her there. Other people’s kids though? No way. 🙂 I don’t find children running around screaming cute at all.
I’m sure once you’ve recovered from the inital shock/stress, you will be able to figure this all out. 🙂 Good luck!
Post # 16
I know I probably shouldn’t say this because it may turn into a heated debate, but I really can’t imagine turning away my niece/nephew from the wedding just because I want it to be “adults only”. Especially beacuse that means that FSIL may not be able to attend. Weddings are about the joining of families and they are family to you now.
I agree that in most other situations finding a baby sitter might be an ok choice. But I really don’t know how I would feel about leaving small children with a stranger. Unless someone has personal experience with how the sitter is with kids, I don’t know that I could trust it.
You said you have planned this evening to be an “adult” style reception and I understand and can appreciate that. I think if you explain the outline (dinner not till 7 pm, one room venue, late night, etc etc) maybe they will choose to not bring their kids. I think its best to let your FSIL and FBIL make that decision on their own though.