(Closed) baby and your marriage

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think having a baby is a big adjustment, and it takes a lot of time and communication to work through the new roles in your relationship.  Like you, my husband and I felt really close during pregnancy and the immediate two weeks after birth (I call that out “honeymoon” period); then, we went through about a four month adjustment period that was a little more difficult.  There was a lot of factors at play, including hormones, sleep deprivation, my husband working 80 hour weeks AND nights, me going back to work, adjusting to our new roles, etc…  It just took time and some long talks to work things out, and now that Addie is almost 5 months old, I feel like we’re back on the smooth track we were before.

One of the major things we worked out is that, even though both of us were doing more work than we were pre-baby, neither of us felt very appreciated.  My husband felt like I was constantly judging what he did with our daughter (like I thought he was doing a bad job), and I felt like he didn’t want to help at all (like he didn’t care enough to step in and take over some of my work).  I also tend to be a bit controlling, so I had to learn to let go of the little things; as long Addie is taken care of, the details don’t matter.  And honestly, he also had a hard time taking care of Addie when she was really little because he had never been around a newborn before; now that she’s a little older, he is much more involved in her care (sometimes we even fight over who gets to take care of her, lol!).

When you’re talking to your husband, try to come up with a game plan.  It’s really easier if everything is planned out (even the details) of who will do what, when.  Write it down if you have to, so you don’t forget: who does what chores at what times/days, who does what baby care at what times/days, etc…  And really try to genuinely appreciate each other.  I know this is something I struggled with, but we act differently when the feeling is genuine versus when it’s forced.

I think the major thing that will help here is time (and sleep!).  It’s an adjustment, and it takes a little while to work out all the kinks.  If you have some time, I also recommend John Gottman’s book And Baby Makes Three.  It has some great information about the changes a marriage goes through after baby’s arrival, and the suggestions on how to correct these problems were spot on for us.  Good luck!  I’m sure we’ve all benn there, so you’re definitely not alone in this!

Post # 5
Member
1508 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I worry about these issue also, it’s a big part of why I haven’t pulled the TTC trigger.

Post # 6
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Having a baby is an adjustment, but I honestly think my husband and I are closer and more in love now than we were pre-baby.  It’s a whole different relationship/love, and it took a little while to work out the details, but the feeling I have when I see him with Addie is uncomparable.  I’m tearing up right now just thinking about it!

Every marriage has rough patches, but it’s the process and experience of getting through those tough times that makes us closer.  Having a baby is certainly one of the bigger marital adjustments we’ve been through, but it’s also been the most rewarding so far.  🙂 

Post # 7
Member
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My partner and I have a 4 yr. old together and have been together for 6 years.

No we are not married, but we have been living together as if we were for 4 of those 6 years.

I think the resentment issues you talked about will always be a struggle, in any relationship dynamic, children or not. There is always going to be someone who does more of X than the other. My best advice is to try and work on it constructively, together, with a lot of discussion about expectations & compromise just as one would if there were no children involved.

 

Good luck.

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